The Final Post

Well here it is, my final post.  I can't believe that this beautiful year has come to an end.  What is my last beautiful moment you ask?  It's this; reaching the end of this amazing journey, and realizing that it is really only the beginning.  That sounds incredibly cheesy, buy it's true.  At the beginning of this year, July 1st 2012, I was in a very different place than I am now.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I felt like a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad me.  I wasn't giving any part of my life that I cherished, the time and attention it deserved.  And I was wallowing in that place of "badness."  I was unhappy. 

That is why I gave myself this project.  I needed to find a way out of my pit of despair, and back to the happy and optimistic person I really am.  I needed to regain that sense of beauty that I was missing in my life.  I feel, truly, that this project has helped me reach my goal.  I am in such a better place, and have a better understanding of what it takes to fulfill my life's roles in the way that I want.  I am by no means saying that everything is rosy and perfect, life is full of challenges.  I just think I am seeing them in a new light.

The way I am perceiving and processing Christian's disability is, perhaps, the most significant change of all.  There were moments over the course of these last twelve months, especially in the beginning, that I didn't think I could handle it.  Watching Christian struggle to achieve anything, has been the hardest thing I think I will ever do.  But somewhere in the last six months, maybe because I was forcing myself to find something good in all that struggle, I stopped feeling sad for him, and started feeling hopeful.  His strength of heart and character is the definition of beauty to me.

My relationship with my daughter was a mess when I started this project.  I felt like I was projecting all my frustrations onto her, and spending all my time being mad at her.  I think it is a little horrible that I had to make myself look for something beautiful about her, instead of just always being aware of it, but lets face it, being a mom is really hard.  Our kids test us to no end.  I fought my way out of the hole I dug with her, and although she still drives me up the wall on a regular basis, I don't take it personally, I am trying to stay calm, and it is working.  Her behavior has improved so much, and I can't wait to spend my days with her.  I can't believe I created such a beautiful creature.

I think at some point, I also started to let go of the idea that being a good mom, meant being super mom.  I felt inept because I couldn't spend quality time with my kids, keep a clean house, cook healthy meals, limit television time, spend time with my husband, focus on my art, or even shave my legs regularly.  I didn't understand how all of those things could co-exist, and yet I hung my happiness on achieving all of them.  But I have found that letting go of that need, has actually helped me get closer to all of those things.  I am not perfect, but I am also not going crazy.  At least not as much.  I am setting realistic goals, and letting everything else fall where it may. 

The other relationships I felt were suffering, my relationship with my husband, and with myself, I realize are ongoing challenges, but they are both in a very good place.  Without the support of my husband, encouraging me to leave my job last year, and instead seek happiness, is the reason I am in a better place today.  I consider myself lucky everyday, to have such a solid partner in life. 

I say it is just the beginning, because I will never reach the end of my quest to find beauty in every day.  I want to thank all of you who came along with me, and supported me this past year.  I hope that in some small way, I have inspired you to look for the beauty in your life, whether it is while dealing with a three-year-old's tantrum, struggling with your relationships, or in accepting your own imperfections.  I am happy with the result of my year's worth of journal entries and self reflection, it was a year well spent.  This has been nothing less than an amazing, and truly beautiful experience. 

A Perfect Moment

This evening we are having friends over for dinner, and I have been cleaning in preparation.  When Christian woke up from his nap, he was in a pretty crummy mood, and I was worried that his grumpiness was going to last all night.  But then Tessie walked in.  She usually can reach him when I can't, and it was no different today.  She suggested that they play on her bed, and Christian agreed enthusiastically.  I set him next to his sister on her bed, and they were chatting happily as I walked out of the room.

A few minutes later, Nick got home from work, and asked me where the kids were.  Motioning to him to follow me and be quiet.  We peered around the corner at our kids.  They were huddled together, playing a game, and whispering to each other.  In that moment, I felt like our world was perfect, and nothing could ever match it's beauty.

Walking and Riding to the Park

Our Friday morning routine usually consists of aquatic therapy at the town pool. Christian looks forward to it all week. Today, the pool was closed so we decided to meet his therapist at the park instead. We took Christian's walker so he could practice distance walking on the sidewalks. As I was loading the kids up I decided to put Tessie's bike in the car as well.

When we got to the park, I unloaded both the kids, and their respective equipment.  They set off down the pathway, side by side.  I felt a suddenly overwhelming wave of emotion.  For the first time ever, I followed my children into the park, having nothing to do with either of their mobilities.  They were chatting together as they strolled along, and it was absolutely beautiful.

Cool Kids

When I picked the kids up from school today, Tessie immediately put on her sunglasses, and so Christian wanted a pair too.  Amazingly enough, Tes had a second pair of sunglasses in the car, and so I help Christian get them on.  The two of them were quite a pair, sitting side by side in their car seats, with matching pink glasses.  I pulled out of the parking lot, smiling to myself at how ridiculously cute they were.  As we left, I turned back to grin at both of them.  "We're so cool!" Christian said, pleased with himself.  "You sure are, buddy!" I agreed.  "You're cool too Mommy!" he said, and since I was also wearing sunglasses, I assumed that was his reason behind the compliment.  But hey, I don't think my son will be calling me cool for much longer, so I am gonna take any little beautiful compliment from him that comes my way.

A Day Off

Since going back to work at our Fly Shop two days a week, I have found my time at work to be a bit of a day off.  Even though I'm working, it is so much slower paced than it can be at home with the kids.  It is also a relief to talk to adults a couple days a week.  I usually keep busy enough, that my role of mom all but fades away.  But today I got a message from the school that took me right back.  Christian's teacher sent me a picture of him during nap time.  He had wiggled his way off his mat, and was half way on the floor, sound asleep.  I instantly wanted to go pick him up, and snuggle with my baby.  So much for time off, but I'm a mom, and that always trumps anything else, even some preciously beautiful time away.

Lunch Date

After a very smelly, and not very pleasant trip to the dump this morning, the kids and I drove into town to meet up with Nick for lunch.  We don't go out to eat very often, and so the kids are always excited when we do.  On the way to pick up Nick they were discussing what they wanted to order for lunch.  Tessie decided she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and scrambled eggs, and so Christian promptly decided he wanted the same thing.  Of course.  he then listed the drinks everyone would be having.  He wanted milk, Tessie could have juice, "And you can have beer, Mom." he added.  Thanks buddy.

When we got to the restaurant and got the kids settled at our table, Nick and I both sat back and stared at them.  They were both grinning from ear to ear, talking away, not always to each other, and being basically the best kids in the universe.  In that moment I felt totally and completely happy.  I was overwhelmed with love for my family, these three people that I was fortunate enough to spend my life with.  I held onto that feeling with everything I had.  Moments that perfect deserve to be cherished, and recognized for the rare beauties they are.

Life With a Pixie

While Christian was napping today, Tessie and I decided to go gather eggs from the chickens, and pick a wildflower bouquet.  She pulled on her adorable polka dot boots, and we headed out.  I never get tired of watching Tessie interact with nature.  She is impossibly imaginative, and no matter what she is doing, you can see her mind working.  As I gathered eggs, she held the egg basket carefully, and gracefully.  Her flaxen hair floated around her face, and I felt like I could have been looking at a fair maiden in some historic novel.  As we walked around our yard, looking for wildflowers, she whispered under her breath, and I could only imagine what magical world she was walking through.  She selected each flower intentionally, and placed them in the basket gingerly, walking through the grass like she had wings.  I can't believe how lucky I am to share my life with such a pure, beautiful little pixie.