The Final Post

Well here it is, my final post.  I can't believe that this beautiful year has come to an end.  What is my last beautiful moment you ask?  It's this; reaching the end of this amazing journey, and realizing that it is really only the beginning.  That sounds incredibly cheesy, buy it's true.  At the beginning of this year, July 1st 2012, I was in a very different place than I am now.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I felt like a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad me.  I wasn't giving any part of my life that I cherished, the time and attention it deserved.  And I was wallowing in that place of "badness."  I was unhappy. 

That is why I gave myself this project.  I needed to find a way out of my pit of despair, and back to the happy and optimistic person I really am.  I needed to regain that sense of beauty that I was missing in my life.  I feel, truly, that this project has helped me reach my goal.  I am in such a better place, and have a better understanding of what it takes to fulfill my life's roles in the way that I want.  I am by no means saying that everything is rosy and perfect, life is full of challenges.  I just think I am seeing them in a new light.

The way I am perceiving and processing Christian's disability is, perhaps, the most significant change of all.  There were moments over the course of these last twelve months, especially in the beginning, that I didn't think I could handle it.  Watching Christian struggle to achieve anything, has been the hardest thing I think I will ever do.  But somewhere in the last six months, maybe because I was forcing myself to find something good in all that struggle, I stopped feeling sad for him, and started feeling hopeful.  His strength of heart and character is the definition of beauty to me.

My relationship with my daughter was a mess when I started this project.  I felt like I was projecting all my frustrations onto her, and spending all my time being mad at her.  I think it is a little horrible that I had to make myself look for something beautiful about her, instead of just always being aware of it, but lets face it, being a mom is really hard.  Our kids test us to no end.  I fought my way out of the hole I dug with her, and although she still drives me up the wall on a regular basis, I don't take it personally, I am trying to stay calm, and it is working.  Her behavior has improved so much, and I can't wait to spend my days with her.  I can't believe I created such a beautiful creature.

I think at some point, I also started to let go of the idea that being a good mom, meant being super mom.  I felt inept because I couldn't spend quality time with my kids, keep a clean house, cook healthy meals, limit television time, spend time with my husband, focus on my art, or even shave my legs regularly.  I didn't understand how all of those things could co-exist, and yet I hung my happiness on achieving all of them.  But I have found that letting go of that need, has actually helped me get closer to all of those things.  I am not perfect, but I am also not going crazy.  At least not as much.  I am setting realistic goals, and letting everything else fall where it may. 

The other relationships I felt were suffering, my relationship with my husband, and with myself, I realize are ongoing challenges, but they are both in a very good place.  Without the support of my husband, encouraging me to leave my job last year, and instead seek happiness, is the reason I am in a better place today.  I consider myself lucky everyday, to have such a solid partner in life. 

I say it is just the beginning, because I will never reach the end of my quest to find beauty in every day.  I want to thank all of you who came along with me, and supported me this past year.  I hope that in some small way, I have inspired you to look for the beauty in your life, whether it is while dealing with a three-year-old's tantrum, struggling with your relationships, or in accepting your own imperfections.  I am happy with the result of my year's worth of journal entries and self reflection, it was a year well spent.  This has been nothing less than an amazing, and truly beautiful experience. 

A Perfect Moment

This evening we are having friends over for dinner, and I have been cleaning in preparation.  When Christian woke up from his nap, he was in a pretty crummy mood, and I was worried that his grumpiness was going to last all night.  But then Tessie walked in.  She usually can reach him when I can't, and it was no different today.  She suggested that they play on her bed, and Christian agreed enthusiastically.  I set him next to his sister on her bed, and they were chatting happily as I walked out of the room.

A few minutes later, Nick got home from work, and asked me where the kids were.  Motioning to him to follow me and be quiet.  We peered around the corner at our kids.  They were huddled together, playing a game, and whispering to each other.  In that moment, I felt like our world was perfect, and nothing could ever match it's beauty.

Walking and Riding to the Park

Our Friday morning routine usually consists of aquatic therapy at the town pool. Christian looks forward to it all week. Today, the pool was closed so we decided to meet his therapist at the park instead. We took Christian's walker so he could practice distance walking on the sidewalks. As I was loading the kids up I decided to put Tessie's bike in the car as well.

When we got to the park, I unloaded both the kids, and their respective equipment.  They set off down the pathway, side by side.  I felt a suddenly overwhelming wave of emotion.  For the first time ever, I followed my children into the park, having nothing to do with either of their mobilities.  They were chatting together as they strolled along, and it was absolutely beautiful.

Cool Kids

When I picked the kids up from school today, Tessie immediately put on her sunglasses, and so Christian wanted a pair too.  Amazingly enough, Tes had a second pair of sunglasses in the car, and so I help Christian get them on.  The two of them were quite a pair, sitting side by side in their car seats, with matching pink glasses.  I pulled out of the parking lot, smiling to myself at how ridiculously cute they were.  As we left, I turned back to grin at both of them.  "We're so cool!" Christian said, pleased with himself.  "You sure are, buddy!" I agreed.  "You're cool too Mommy!" he said, and since I was also wearing sunglasses, I assumed that was his reason behind the compliment.  But hey, I don't think my son will be calling me cool for much longer, so I am gonna take any little beautiful compliment from him that comes my way.

A Day Off

Since going back to work at our Fly Shop two days a week, I have found my time at work to be a bit of a day off.  Even though I'm working, it is so much slower paced than it can be at home with the kids.  It is also a relief to talk to adults a couple days a week.  I usually keep busy enough, that my role of mom all but fades away.  But today I got a message from the school that took me right back.  Christian's teacher sent me a picture of him during nap time.  He had wiggled his way off his mat, and was half way on the floor, sound asleep.  I instantly wanted to go pick him up, and snuggle with my baby.  So much for time off, but I'm a mom, and that always trumps anything else, even some preciously beautiful time away.

Lunch Date

After a very smelly, and not very pleasant trip to the dump this morning, the kids and I drove into town to meet up with Nick for lunch.  We don't go out to eat very often, and so the kids are always excited when we do.  On the way to pick up Nick they were discussing what they wanted to order for lunch.  Tessie decided she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and scrambled eggs, and so Christian promptly decided he wanted the same thing.  Of course.  he then listed the drinks everyone would be having.  He wanted milk, Tessie could have juice, "And you can have beer, Mom." he added.  Thanks buddy.

When we got to the restaurant and got the kids settled at our table, Nick and I both sat back and stared at them.  They were both grinning from ear to ear, talking away, not always to each other, and being basically the best kids in the universe.  In that moment I felt totally and completely happy.  I was overwhelmed with love for my family, these three people that I was fortunate enough to spend my life with.  I held onto that feeling with everything I had.  Moments that perfect deserve to be cherished, and recognized for the rare beauties they are.

Life With a Pixie

While Christian was napping today, Tessie and I decided to go gather eggs from the chickens, and pick a wildflower bouquet.  She pulled on her adorable polka dot boots, and we headed out.  I never get tired of watching Tessie interact with nature.  She is impossibly imaginative, and no matter what she is doing, you can see her mind working.  As I gathered eggs, she held the egg basket carefully, and gracefully.  Her flaxen hair floated around her face, and I felt like I could have been looking at a fair maiden in some historic novel.  As we walked around our yard, looking for wildflowers, she whispered under her breath, and I could only imagine what magical world she was walking through.  She selected each flower intentionally, and placed them in the basket gingerly, walking through the grass like she had wings.  I can't believe how lucky I am to share my life with such a pure, beautiful little pixie.

Swimming on Sunday

Today was one of those perfect days, that although very full, was also just blissfully perfect.  Our plans for the day included gardening, a birthday party at the park, swimming with our neighbors, and a movie in the theater.  Although it seemed daunting, everything slowed down in the middle of the day when it was time to swim.  Christian went down for a nap, and Tes, Nick, and I all jumped in our neighbor's pool.  That's right, our neighbors have a pool.

I was a beautiful day, and the water was perfect.  Tessie splashed around with her friends, alternating swimming around on a pool noodle and shooting us with a water canon.  It felt wonderful to stretch out and swim.  We all repeatedly made the comment that we felt ridiculously spoiled, but not even a little guilty about it.

It was finally time to get out, and get ready to head to the movies.  As soon as Tes got out she started shivering, but she still had a huge smile on her face.  The only way the moment could have been more perfect is if Christian had been awake to swim with us.  Well there's always tomorrow.  What a beautiful way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Swing With Me

Birthday party season is in full swing, and this evening we attended a party for one of Christian's buddies from school.  We are also friends with his parents, and so it was a fun party for the whole family.  I have a hard time with birthday parties sometimes.  All the kids are running around having a great time, and Christian is with me.  He is usually having fun, but I can't help but get bummed out that he isn't chasing the other boys around.

Our friends have a swing set, and I thought that would be a great way for him to interact with the other kids, but unfortunately, they didn't have a bucket swing, so I knew it wouldn't work for Christian.  But my realization was a little too late, and Christian had already decided he wanted to swing.  Full melt down mode commenced, and I frantically searched for a way out.  Then I saw the hammock.

I convinced Christian to calm down, and tried to get him excited about the other swing I found.  Within moments, he was squealing happily, bundled up in the hammock.  As I was expecting, Tessie appeared at my arm, wanting a turn.  But instead of getting out, Christian asked Tes to get in with him.  That was a little too risky of a situation for her, and she declined.  But Christian begged, and with a little convincing from me, she was in the hammock too.  It didn't take long for both kids to be having the time of their lives.  After a while, Nick came to relieve me, and since he provided a much crazier ride than I did, I was totally off hammock duty.  I couldn't walk away though, they were just too much.

Tessie, although coming out of her shell a little, was getting nervous when Nick swung a little too high or off kilter, and Christian just screamed for more.  My kids are a really good match for each other.  They both encourage the other to move beyond their comfort zone, and act as a support system when they do.  It is truly a beautiful thing to watch.  Especially when it is accompanied by insane giggling. 

My Garden Monster

My dreams of an abundant garden this year have, thus far, fallen a bit short.  Between being a mom, and, well pretty much just being a mom, I got off to a much later start than planned.  And so, here we are, nearing the end of June, and my tomatoes have been getting sadder and sadder, sitting in their pots.  Until today.  I finally finished my tomato bed today, and with Tessie by my side, we set out to put our suffering plants in the ground at last.

Tessie was in a flowing summer dress, which she saw no need to change out of, but did see fit to put on her boots, hat, and gloves.  She looked like something straight out of a Victorian garden magazine.  I just love her.  She stood patiently by, while I explained every step of what we were going to do.  When I said that I was going to crush up egg shells to put in each hole, she volunteered to do the crushing with gusto.  And she did.  She crushed shells, gingerly placed them in each hole I dug, and helped me place each tomato plant.  Then she spread straw over the bed like a blanket.

As I watered the now full bed, she watched me with the look of a proud mother cat, watching her kittens play.  I could hardly keep from laughing out loud.  As we walked in the house she said, "Now Mommy, make sure you water our tomatoes and take good care of them so they grow healthy and strong."  I sure have created a monster, but man, she is a beautiful monster, that's for sure.

No Going Back

The unthinkable happened today.  We were cut off from technology for almost an entire day.  Last night, a fiber optic cable that delivers Internet and cell service to our county was cut, and so our entire area went without modern technology for most of the day.  The Internet didn't work, all cell carriers were down, and some businesses couldn't even run a credit card.  I hurried in to work, worried that I would find a chaotic mess.  Luckily, it was business as usual.  My main concern, that our credit card machine wouldn't work, turned out to be an unnecessary worry, as it ran through the phone line.  Although we had very little business, apparently people were in a bit of a crisis, we functioned just fine.  There were a couple issues I ran into.  I couldn't check any of our guiding schedules or book an upcoming trip, since all of our data is now online.  I was a little worried, but it turned out that I didn't even get any calls, since apparently no one owns a house phone anymore.  By the time the service was turned back on, I was getting used to the slower pace that a world without technology provides.  But just like everyone else, as soon as Wifi returned, I was on facebook quicker than you could say "Status Update."  As beautiful as a world without social media is, I am afraid there is just no going back.

New Entry

My mom is a gardening genius, as far as I'm concerned.  She can make anything grow anywhere, and her garden always looks exquisite.  I did not inherit her green thumb, and I am trying my hardest not to kill everything in my yard.  As a late birthday present, my mom came up for a few days to help me work on the garden in our entryway.  We had a crazy day of running all over town to the garden center and the hardware store, and even fit a barbeque in with our neighbors.  We ended up getting such a late start, that we finished planting and watering last night in the dark.  But it was all worth it this morning, when I left my house to go to work.  Our entry, although far from complete, looked amazing.  Most of the weeds were pulled, and there was a resplendent red rose bush in the center of the new entry garden.  What a beautiful way to start my day.

A Hard Day's Work

Nick and I have undertaken the task this year of thinning all the overgrown trees and dead limbs on our property. With conditions being so dry, and fire danger high, we are incredibly conscious of the danger of what is basically so much kindling around out house. Nick has been working incredibly hard to cut down and thin trees, while I have assisted in dragging them to a giant pile in our yard. We were intending to chip all the wood once it was piled, but our good intentions have not come to fruition. And what used to be fire danger spread all over our property, has turned into a big dry pile of fire danger consolidated in the front yard.

Several efforts to hire someone to haul it away didn't pan out, and we decided to take matters into our own hands. We borrowed our neighbor's huge trailer, Nick hooked it up to his jeep, and we began the laborious task of loading all the brush onto the trailer. 

Nick started around 8:30 this morning, and I joined him as soon as I had the kids fed and happily hanging out with my mom. It was beyond hard work. We piled the branches as high as we could, about ten feet high, and then strapped them down. Then Nick climbed on top of the precarious pile and jumped up and down to try and compact the branches. Then we repeated the process so we could fit as much as possible on one load. It ended up taking two loads, and most of the day, to get rid of everything. But when it was gone we looked at our empty front yard and breathed a huge sigh of relief. We hopefully made our home a little safer, and that is a beautiful thing.

My New Friend

Tessie has ballet every Monday, for forty five minutes. I usually drop her off, and then run some quick errands, before picking her up and heading home. Today, Christian and I stayed at the ballet studio and waited for her.

Tes walked into the studio, and we looked for seats. The summer program has a much smaller enrollment than the regular year, and so there are also a lot less people waiting in the lobby. I put Christian in a chair next to a boy whose younger sister danced with Tes, and I sat in the chair next to him.  Christian quickly became enamored of the older boy, who was going into middle school. They were both playing games on their mothers' phones, and Christian couldn't believe they were both playing angry birds. "Look mom," he said proudly.  "We're the same!" The young man was so kind and polite, he smiled at Christian and said "You're right, we are " 

The two boys bonded over games and movies. I was tickled pink. Christian hasn't spent much time around older kids, and I had never seen him so instantly attached to someone. He looked like such a big boy sitting next to his new buddy, and talking to him with absolutely no involvement on my part. 

When Tessie came out of class and I picked Christian up to leave, he protested loudly. "I need my new friend!" he wailed as we walked away. My heart melted as the young man came over to try to cheer Christian up with a high five and a promise to see him again soon. I mean, what kind of eleven year old boy is this sweet? Christian didn't stop talking about his new friend all night. I think this might be the begging of a beautiful friendship. 

Lions, Oh My!

We are extremely lucky to live in the middle of the forest. Our little neighborhood is a small pocket, surrounded by wilderness.  In the year and a half that we have lived here we have seen wild turkeys, elk, rabbits, a fox, a golden eagle, numerous birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and even pesky skunks and racoons.  I consider myself lucky to call these critters my neighbors.  But something happened tonight that put all of them to shame.  Tonight I saw my first mountain lion.  And he just happened to be walking across my front yard.

I have always wanted to see a mountain lion in the wild, but in that kind of way that you might want to witness a tornado.  Yes, it would be amazing and beautiful, but it's also terrifying and life threatening.  I never actually expected to see one, and not so up-close-and-personal.  I was just starting to cook dinner.  The kids were taking turns playing games on my phone in the living room, and I was peacefully chopping garlic in the kitchen.  From my kitchen I have a wide open view of my entire front yard, and as I was glancing up at the kids, something caught my eye.  For a brief moment, I thought it was my dog, but I quickly jolted to reality, when I realized there was a very large, very real lion, meandering across my driveway.

For a moment I was paralyzed.  I mean, there was an actual lion in my yard.  Then I ran to the window, heart pounding out of my chest, for a closer look.  Just as he disappeared behind a tree, I came to my senses enough to grab my phone from the kids to take a picture.  He reappeared in an open area of my yard, and although he was taking his sweet time, I almost missed him because my hands were shaking so hard.  But by some miracle, I managed to snap a few photos of the magnificent creature.  Thank goodness, I retained enough mental clarity to realize this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Tes, and I lifted her up to get a look, just as he was disappearing at the edge of our property.  "Wow..." she breathed as he slunk out of sight.

A little while later, as I was trying to regain my composure, Tessie walked up to me in the kitchen.  "Mommy, we are so lucky to live here." she said.  "I have seen so many wild animals!" and she listed all the animals she had seen since we moved in.  Through my terror, I was able to appreciate that she was right.  What kid gets to see all these wild animals, in their own backyard, and have the presence of mind to appreciate it.  I looked at my daughter in sheer amazement, and tried to absorb her calm.  She still wont be allowed outside for awhile, you know, on account that she may be eaten, but it was a beautiful sentiment.

My Little Artist

Even though I had a father's day art project planned for Tessie for weeks, we didn't get to it until today.  Last minute, as always.  Tes was very excited to get started, and waited with bated breath as I set up all the paints and brushes.  When I finally let her get started, she entered a zone, and I could no longer get through to her.  She started by meticulously choosing colors, and painting them in very particular patterns.  Then she started blending colors, and had so much fun, that before long she had blended all the colors on the canvas.  She worked with an intense concentration, paint smeared all the way up her arms, with a clear vision in mind.  I had a wonderful moment of feeling like I was looking in a mirror.  When she was happy with the paint, she wanted to add some petals that she had saved and pressed.  She laid them out with such care, and did a fabulous job.  I covered the whole thing with Modge Podge, and we hid it so Nick wouldn't see it it.  My daughter hasn't fallen that far from the tree, and that is a beautiful thing. 

Counter Space

This is kind of a follow up post to one a few nights ago.  I had another friend volunteer, of her own free will, to help me clean my house today.  Did I mention that I have really good friends?  We worked our butts off, and managed to keep four kids fairly entertained all day.  So my moment is very simple.  All of that work has paid off right now, as I am sitting in my kitchen.  I just looked around, and I see more counter space than I think I have since I moved in.  That is not just nice, it's a miracle.  And for this tired Momma, it is amazingly beautiful!

Mommy Zen

This evening, when I picked the kids up from school, all was going well until I put the kids in the car.  Christian saw this as an opportunity for a freak out.  He started to scream, and arched his back to try and wiggle his way out of his car seat.  I must say, forcing your child into their car seat doesn't exactly make you feel like a warm, nurturing parent.  Once he was in the seat, he continued to wail away, and I made my way around the car to make sure Tessie was buckled in tight.  I ignored the craziness on Christian's side of the car, and got in my own seat to drive us home.

I know enough to know when it is beyond my efforts to calm down a screaming child, and this was definitely one of those times.  Tessie, however, has not learned that lesson.  The poor thing was trying her hardest to get through to her brother.  She was talking to him in the sweetest, calmest voice, telling him that it wasn't nice to scream, and he was hurting her ears.  Although I warned her that he wasn't going to listen, she continued to try, and I saw the exact moment when her feelings fell victim to her brother's relentless screaming.  Then the perfect storm hit.

Both kids were wailing at their highest decibel.  The scene unfolding in my rear view mirror was unbelievable.  In the past, I have been known to handle these situations poorly, and have even joined them in their meltdowns.  Many times.  But not today.  Maybe I have reached a new level of Mommy Zen.  Maybe I have grown into a more mature adult, better able to handle high levels of stress.  Or maybe I have just already been to this rodeo.  Instead of loosing my cool, the first thought that popped into my head, was that I had to document this momentous occasion.  I snapped a picture blindly, holding my phone backwards, and lucked out with the most amazing image of what having kids really looks like.  Don't get me wrong, I am in no way being negative.  Because in that moment, I truly embraced what parenting is all about.  This ridiculous, insane, and horribly high pitched moment, made me love my kids all the more.  When I looked back at their red, weeping faces, all I could see was how beautiful they are.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.

The Illustrator

I was working in the shop today, selling flies and fishing rods, and feeling like an adult again, when two adorable children walked in with their dad.  As usually happens in this kind of a situation, I was immediately reminded of my children, and started to miss them.  The little boy and girl, who were a little older than my son and daughter, were visiting from out of town with their parents, and getting geared up for their first fishing trip.  I got them set up with gear, and as I was writing up their parents' fishing licenses at the counter, the little boy picked up a copy of the book I illustrated.

About two years ago I started work on illustrating a book, and it was published last spring.  We ordered about twenty copies, thinking we could sell them at the shop and at my craft shows.  To date, I have only sold a few, and all of them to friends.  When I am in the shop someone will occasionally pick one up, look at it, compliment my illustrations, then put it back down.  It has been rather frustrating. 

Today, the little brother and sister were immediately drawn to the book, and when I told them that I painted the pictures, they got really excited, and asked their mom if they could have it.  I expected her to make an excuse not to buy it, but she seemed almost as excited as they were.  Then the whole family asked me to sign it.  Of course I agreed, and felt extremely flattered.  As they walked out the door with my book in hand, I felt a renewed enthusiasm for my published works, and couldn't wait to tell Nick about my beautiful accomplishment.

Time Out For Mommy

I had a particularly rough evening tonight.  The kids were both in terrible moods, and were making it difficult for me to get anything done.  The entire time I was cooking dinner, they whined, yelled, and fought, and I got closer and closer to loosing it.  Nick called me on his way home from guiding a fly fishing client, and as I answered the phone, Tessie bumped her head on the dining table.  I could see that she wasn't hurt, and so gave her a quick hug, then walked away so I could hear Nick, and find out when my reinforcements would be arriving.  Tessie followed me, howling like a banshee.

I turned around and said, in a kind but firm voice, that I was talking to Daddy and I couldn't hear him if she was yelling.  Nick was in a low service area, and I knew I would lose him at any moment.  Tessie continued to wail, and so I tried walking into the next room.  My weeping offspring was close on my heels.  As I wandered from room to room, and her screaming followed me, I strained to hear my husband, and grew more furious by the minute.  At the exact moment I hung up, Tessie was silent.  I reined in my rage, and served the kids dinner.  Then I made a quick escape.

I poured myself a glass of wine, and headed for the garden.  The heat of the day had cooled into a pleasant warmth, and the sounds of the forest surrounded me.  I took about five minutes to water my plants, watch the evening sky turn pink, and calm down.  By the time I went back inside, I felt I had regained enough sanity to not kill my children.  They were happily eating and watching a movie, and I soon forgot I had ever been mad.  Sometimes, all a mom needs is a beautiful time out.