The Two Women in My Head

There are two women in my head.  The first woman is amazing.  She is always dressed nicely, her skin is perfect and her hair is glossy.  This woman is always on time, she RSVPs and writes thank you cards.  She parents with a firm but gentle hand, never raises her voice to her children, and teaches them to be kind by example.  Her house is always spotless, her garden weed free and her bed is always made.  She has dinner on the table when her husband gets home with a smile on her face.  I am not this woman. 

The second woman is a mess.  She sometimes wears her pajamas for days, she can’t remember the last time she washed her hair, and she still has acne (which she was promised would be gone by her 30s.)  She is constantly running late, she always realizes she forgot something half-way to town, and she can’t remember anything she learned in college.  Her kids drive her crazy, she gets upset about the smallest things, and feels guilty constantly that she was to harsh with them.  Her house is a mess, she has a talent for killing plants and is terrible at folding laundry.  When her husband gets home she is exhausted and on the verge of tears.  I am definitely this woman.

When thinking logically, I know the first woman doesn’t exist.   Unfortunately I am not very  logical, in fact I am highly emotional.  And no matter how often I tell myself that I will never be the first woman, I still hold myself to that standard, and so I am often disappointed.  I am not saying that I am a big weepy mess all the time, but there are definitely days when I feel totally crazy.  Every day there are times when I feel like a bad mother and think my kids must agree.  Today was one of those days.

Although we started out happy and on time, we quickly spiraled to screaming in the car and late for school.  In the middle of Tessie in time-out on a chair in front of the school and Christian screaming at me and dragging his feet in his walker I wondered, Where did I go wrong?  At what point did I let a small detail ruin my morning?  This was the moment when I was sure all the other “First Woman” moms in the parking lot were looking at me and thinking Who this crazy lady was and why doesn’t anyone save those poor children. 

After finally getting both kids dropped off, once again pretending to be angels for their teachers, I headed home to clean.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt and had a hard time focusing on anything.  So of course when I left to pick the kids back up the house was still a mess.  On my way to get the kids I stopped at a friend’s house to drop off some jam I made her.  This was the highlight of my day so far.

My beautiful moment today took place in my friend’s kitchen.  She was still in her pajamas and I was coming apart at the seams.  She gave me the “Iv’e been there” hug I was needing and I immediately felt better.  I’m not talking about an epiphany and by no means did I suddenly think my life was rosy.  I’m talking about realizing that someone else feels exactly the same way as you do.  I remembered that I know a lot of these Second Women.  We are all on the same team.  And although it sometimes feels like us vs. them, we all love our children.  I know that I will probably never give up the First Woman in my head.  As foolish as it is, I still strive for perfection, whatever that means.  But I will also strive for these beautiful moments of camaraderie in a girlfriend’s kitchen, because heaven knows we need them.

My Dancing Queen

I think I have already stated, and I’m sure I will bring it up again, that Tessie really knows how to get under my skin.  She is an expert at driving me completely insane.  Before, during, and after lunch today she was in prime form.  I can’t even remember why I was so frustrated with her but I remember the frustration just fine.  After lunch she finally settled into a more tolerable behavior and asked if she could have a dance party.  I put on Adele for her and she began to dance around the living room.

Watching Tessie dance always makes me fall back in love with her no matter how angry I’ve been.  She really feels the music and acts it out.  After every performance she is beaming and takes a very big bow.  Today, after dancing to a few songs, she asked me to  play the last song again and said the show was about to start.  Nick and I sat in the living room to watch and sure enough, we got a show.

Tessie put on an interpretive dance show to Adele’s song “Turning Tables.”  She danced with her arms and hands delicately floating through the air, her face serious and filled with more emotion than I would expect from a three and a half year old.  She moved around her “dance floor,” a play mat on the living room floor, with deliberate steps.  At times she sat down and moved her hands as if speaking to someone and at other times she marched to the rhythm of the music, focused the entire time.  She ended the dance sitting, her hands floating on either side of her, in character the whole time.

I cried the entire time watching her.  The imagination that poured out of her was palatable.  She emanated joy and I couldn’t help but get caught up in her performance.  I had never been more proud or more in love with her.  As far as I was concerned she was on stage at some famous opera house, playing to a packed house.  Any aggravation I had felt earlier had melted away as if it had never existed. 

My daughter is an enigma.  She is so unbelievably imaginative and spontaneous.  I get so frustrated with her at times and we rarely have a day without some sort of melt down, but I wouldn’t change her in the smallest of ways.  Today, for about four minutes, her true self shone through.  I am lucky to be blessed with this kind of beauty in my life.

Our Greatest Adventure

Going fishing with dad

Before Nick and I had kids we were adventurers.  We hiked, camped and fished a lot.  We loved it.  And we envisioned that we would continue to do so when we had children.  Well, as many parents discover, what you think you will do when you have children differs from the reality of what these endeavors require on the part of the parents.  Basically, it’s a lot more work than you realize.

The desire to bring our kids along on these adventures hasn’t subsided however, and today we did it.  We have been talking about taking the kids camping for a while but between work schedules and the rather daunting nature of camping with children, it hasn’t happened yet.  Today we decided to ease ourselves in and so we had a camp-in.  We planned a fun filled day with the kids, the culmination of which would be camping in the backyard.
The kids thought this was a great idea.  We started the day slowly and made our way up one of the forrest roads near our house to fish and have a picnic lunch.  Tessie, especially, was ecstatic in the backseat.  She pumped her legs in her car seat and recited our plans over and over with a huge smile on her face. 

Splashing the day away

When we found an empty campsite we pulled in and unloaded the car.  Tessie happily munched on chips and sushi but Christian was so excited to fish we couldn’t get him to eat anything.  “Go fishing, go fishing!” he repeated while practically jumping out of the camp-chair we had him propped up in.  Nick took Tes fishing first while Christian and I played in the water and watched chipmunks trying to steal our lunch.  Tessie quickly tired of fishing and Nick and I switched kids.  It’s fun to spend time alone with Tes, it doesn’t happen that often.  I rolled her pants up and helped her wade out in the river.  We laughed and laughed over nothing.  By the time the boys made it back Christian had caught his first fish, with Daddy’s help of course, and Tessie was splashed out.  We loaded the kids back up and headed home.

Once home I put Christian down for a nap and Tessie and I set out to pitch the tent.  She was so full of wonder and excitement the whole time I was threading tent poles through the tent that any doubt I had that camping in the back yard would be enough disappeared.  She was a great helper and we had the tent up in no time.  Tes spent the next hour just lying in the tent, giggling and talking to herself, having more fun that you would think was possible in an empty tent.  Nick worked on clearing an area for our new fire pit and by the time he was done we had a whole new section of yard.  The three of us wandered back inside and rested while Christian finished his nap.

Nick made us an excellent dinner of grilled shrimp, filet mignon, cous cous and salad with hot dogs for the kids.  We ate outside together next to the river and talked about our day.  Christian started to get fussy so we moved our operation to the fire pit.  As soon as Christian saw the fire he was mesmerized and calmed right down.  Nick got his guitar and we sang songs.  Christian requested the wiggles and Tessie made up songs about camp fires.  I toasted marshmallows and the kids got sufficiently sticky.  It was wonderful.

While I wiped the marshmallow goo of Tes and Christian Nick set up the beds in the tent.  We carried the kids out to the tent in their jammies, stuffed animals tucked under their arms.  We all snuggled up and read books by the lantern.  Our dog Lucy even stuck her head in to see what was going on.  When books were done Tessie crawled into her camp bed and I tucked Christian into his.  With short goodnights and kisses the kids both fell right asleep. 

As I am writing this I am sitting next to the tent in my back yard, the sound of the river in the background.  My heart is so full I think it might overflow.  This amazing day wasn’t without it’s melt-downs and threats of time outs, but it was a full day of my family.  It might not have been the same kind of adventure Nick and I use to take, but it was the greatest adventure to date.  And now as I am getting ready to crawl into the tent with my babies and my husband I feel luck to have such a beautiful family.

Returning to Myself

Self Portrait, age 17

I had every intention of cleaning my house today. As I was trying muster up some motivation in the kitchen my eye fell on a set of canvases that I had recently purchased. All of a sudden I had absolutely no desire to clean.

I have always thought of myself as an artist. As a young child I painted and drew fantastical imaginings and as a teenager art got me through when nothing else could pull me out of my angsty stupor. Sadly, as an adult I lost my artsy way for some time.

one of my "Tes and Bubbi" signs

Painting today

A couple of years ago I started painting again in the form of signs for children's rooms. My signs appealed to people and I started a small business named Tes and Bubbi after my two babes.  I started to express myself once again, not in dark self portraits as in my teen years, but with hopeful phrases and colorful flowers. I found my niche.

When I started working I put my art on the back shelf. I missed it terribly. I told myself when I returned home that I would make art part of who I was again, now I know it never left. I picked up my paint brush today and returned to myself.

The finished product

When I'm creating, painting, writing, singing, I am truly me. I love mixing colors, creating images, and making something from nothing. I felt like I had returned home to that central part of myself. I created a simple set of images but when they were finished I felt utter satisfaction. With my hands covered in paint I sat back to survey my work and the total joy that settled over me was beautiful.

Christian's Element

In many ways Christian is a very typical two year old boy.  He is talking more and more, he gets mad at his sister, he loves books and swinging, and man can he throw a tantrum!  But in other ways Christian is anything but typical.  Physically Christian falls somewhere in the four to seven month category.  However, there is one place where Christian doesn’t fall behind, in fact he thrives.  That place is in the water. 

Christian loves to swim.  Just before he turned one we started holding physical therapy sessions at the pool about once a week.  Before the pool he hadn’t been making much progress in therapy but that all changed once he got in the water.  All of a sudden I saw a confidence in him that hadn’t been there before.  From that moment on, Christian started to improve.  In the water he could move in ways that weren’t usually possible for him.  As he got older he would recognize the pool when we would drive past and call out “Pool, pool!  Wanna swim!” 

Back Floating

Recently he has started really swimming, while being supported under his chest, using his entire lower body to “dolphin kick.”  He has a constant smile on his face while in the pool and it is sometimes quite hard to get him to leave.  Christian is fearless in the water, he will dunk his whole head and come up smiling.

Today he had his second “swim lesson” with a very good friend of mine.  Almost as soon as we got in the kiddy pool he was asking to go in the big pool.  “Wanna go big pool mama!” he shouted over and over until I gave in and hopped into the bigger and much colder pool.  Christian kicked like crazy.  I walked backwards so he could “swim” towards me again and again.  I would count to three and we would dive under the water.  Christian came up with eyes squinting and a huge smile on his face.  “Again!” he demanded.

When he started to turn blue we would go hang out in the hot tub until he again insisted on going back to the big pool.  Not once today did I have to explain why he wasn’t sitting, or running around like the other kids.  He looked like every other toddler at the pool with their mom.  It seemed to me that he could sense this “sameness” as well.  He was happy, really happy, proud and confident. 

I try not to grieve the things Christian can’t do, but at times it is hard.  In the moments before he was born I confidently told everyone he would be fine, even though all their faces told me I was the only one who believed it.  From the the beginning I have been his cheerleader, staying positive when no one else could.  Today, watching him splashing and laughing, it was an easy job.  Water is truly Christian’s element.  He comes alive when he is swimming.  Today he was amazing and completely beautiful.

A Journy to the Past

Fishing in Argentina in 2004

When I made the decision to return to my job as a full time mom it was with the full support and encouragement of my husband.  I consider myself incredibly blessed to not only have the opportunity available to stay home but to have a partner who understands the advantages and doesn’t mind working harder to make that possible.  Lately he has been working very hard, seven days a week hard.  I offered him the chance for a day off while the kids were in school and said I wouldn’t mind working for him a day in the shop.      I didn’t have to twist his arm much and today I found myself working my first full day back in the shop in a very long time. 

In 2004 Nick and I embarked on one of the scariest and most exciting adventures of our life together.  We reopened the Taos Fly Shop, his father’s previous venture from the early 80’s.  We started in a tiny little space, about 300 square feet, with barely an inventory and a lot of hope.  I had only been fly fishing for about a year but I was our sole employee, since Nick was still guiding almost full time in the summer.  With every item we sold we ordered two more and our little store started to grow.  We quickly gained a loyal client base and before I knew it we were a real Fly Shop.

Eagle's Nest Lake 2007

I was an integral part of the shop and soon all the tough outdoorsy guys walking in our shop were taking fishing advice from me, and I actually knew what I was talking about.  I definitely faced opposition from customers who weren’t comfortable talking to a girl about fishing.  I once had a man walk in, see me, turn around and leave, then walk back in and ask “Is there a young man here I can talk to?”  “Nope,” I said, “Just me.”

We expanded our store and for close to five years I worked in the shop almost every day.  It was my life and I truly loved it.  Nick and I fished in several states and different countries and fly fishing became part of who I was.  Then one day the shop closed early and a sign was up on the door reading “We are having a baby.”  And everything changed.

I quickly became immersed in my new life as full time mom and I loved every second.  When Tessie was a couple months old I started working again.  We set up a whole second nursery at the shop and she became as much a part of it as we were.  We took family fishing trips and people came in to see her as much as they did to shop.  As she got older it became harder to have her in the store and so I again returned home.  When Christian was born my life as a fisherwoman all but disappeared. 

Brazos 2008 (Pregnant with Tessie)

In the last couple of weeks I have spent a little more time in the shop and today I worked most of the day.  It felt great to be back in my old world.  I will admit that I am a bit rusty but I really enjoyed my visit to the past.  I spent the day telling old fishing stories, recommending flies, and feeling like I was a part of the family business again.  I got to see old friends and clients, all of whom were happy to see me back again.  A few people came in who hadn’t been in the store in years and so I imagine that to them I had been there all along.  I hope to spend more time in the shop in the future.  I still plan on being mostly mom, but I think having a little something else is important and also quite beautiful.

Enduring Years and Distance

Today was a good day.  My children were basically angels, start to finish.  The weather was amazing, I reconnected with old friends and can honestly say I didn’t have a single bad experience.  I had a handful of topics to write about tonight and actually had a hard time deciding which to settle on.  Even as I’m writing this my kids are continuing to fill my heart with inspiration.  But I just got off the phone with my cousin Lili and my topic has presented itself to me.

I grew up on the Big Island of Hawaii.  I was always surrounded by family and having cousins in abundance was something I took as a given.  When I was in second grade my parents bought a piece of property from my Aunt and Uncle and they built the house I would spend the rest of my childhood in.  The house was great, the property was amazing, but the best part was that it came with built in playmates in the form of three cousins, and eventually two more neighbor children that became fast friends.  The seven of us grew up like a wild pack, spending almost every day together, building forts, riding bikes, riding horses and camping out. 

For me, the highlight was my older cousin Lili.  She was three years older than me and so, of course, infinitely wiser in matters of the world, the heart, everything.  Lili taught me how to ride and care for horses and we spent countless days covered in dust and horse hair.  We had a club called the Powder Puff Girls in the hay barn where we kept a journal of one kind thing we did each day.  As we got older the conversations turned from forts to boys and we helped guide each other through the mine field of teenage love.  Too soon, it seemed, Lili left for college and I was the only girl left on the block.

Over the years we have seen each other rarely but have kept in touch.  Over the phone and by email we have shared the stories of how we met our husbands, fell in love and had babies.  The bond of sisterhood has reached over great distances and kept us close.

Tonight my phone rang and, seeing the Colorado area code, I hoped it was Lili.  Happily surprised I broke my own rule and talked at the table during dinner.  I don’t know how long it had been since we last spoke but we fell into the easy cadence of kid stories and catching up.  We laughed over the similarities of our precocious daughters, neither of whom seemed to have inherited their mother’s tom boy ways thus far, and mourned the fact they have yet to meet.  We talked over the sounds of our sons babbling and shared the changes in our work lives and contentment in our home lives.  Our goodbyes stretched long with promises of visits we both had every intention of keeping but knowing it would probably be a while before our next visit, whether in person or over the phone. 

I am lucky to have a family bond that has endured years and distance.  I wish I could see my cousin more often but I know I will never lose her.  Our solid connection, I imagine as close as that of any sisters, is a reassuring force in my life.  My happy reminder of it this evening is my something beautiful today.