Pass the Veggies

Tonight for dinner I wanted to try out a new recipe for the kids.  I made spaghetti with ham and peas, with a creamy sauce made from yogurt.  It was fantastic.  Tessie has recently developed a dislike of peas, a sad fact since she used to gobble them down.  I wanted to get more veggies in her dinner so I peeled, sliced, and steamed some assorted carrots my mom had passed along from a friends garden.

As she often does, Tes wandered into the kitchen while I was cooking to try and work her way into a bite.  I gave her a raw carrot and she wandered off chewing it.  Moments later she was back, asking for another.  I gave her one and then warned her, that was it until dinner.

I served us all a plate and we sat down to eat.  The kids liked the pasta and Tessie’s veggies were gone within seconds.  “More carrots please!” She said with a smile. I got her a second helping which was also gone, quick as a flash.  This time, when she asked for more, I asked her to please eat some pasta first, and then she could have more carrots.  This is when I laughed at myself. 

Getting Tes to eat more carbs or cheese, or anything else other kids find irresistible, by bribing her with more vegetables is a pretty common occurrence in our house.  Tonight it struck me as particularly funny that she would rather eat multi colored carrots than her creamy, delicious pasta.  I guess I should stop being amazed and just pass the veggies.  What a beautiful little mystery. 

The Pit Stop

This afternoon, as we were loading up the car to drive home from our brief trip to Albuquerque, Tessie fell apart.  It began with Nick asking her to help pick some of her toys, and her refusing.  He offered to help and she still wouldn’t lift a finger.  Finally he threatened to leave behind a new fairy book my mom had given her, and still she wouldn’t budge from her no-picking-up platform.  Well the problem with threats is that you have to follow through or you risk teaching your children that there will be no consequences for their actions.

So of course we had to leave the fairy book behind.  This resulted in screaming like you wouldn’t believe.  She would not calm down.  When Tessie gets upset she really pumps up the drama.  She screamed into the car and refused to say goodbye to my poor mother, who was obviously distraught over this tearful ending to her visit with the kids. 

It finally quieted down in the car as we pulled away, and after stopping for lunch, the kids eventually fell asleep.  Nick suggested we take a scenic route home.  At first I was opposed but decided it might be nice, so we headed up the “high road” to Taos.  As we were climbing in elevation both kids woke up, in very grumpy moods.  We pulled over and got them out of the car.

We walked into the forrest, I carried Christian snuggled close and Tessie followed Nick, chatting as she walked.  She found pine cones and pointed out cool sticks.  Christian seemed to just be taking in the trees and the floor of needles.  I walked back to the car with happy kids, grateful that Nick had saved the day with our beautiful pit-stop.

New Life

In the recent weeks I have been eagerly anticipating the arrival of a very close friend’s first child.  I have handed down clothes, a car seat, and advice.  I have watched my children touch her belly and speak to their future playmate, all the while falling more in love with an old friend.  Yesterday, as I was preparing to leave on a short trip to Albuquerque, I kept hoping the baby wouldn’t come while I was gone.  Guess what...

This morning I was gathering all our things to load in the car for our trip when I received the happy text that the baby had ignored my wishes, and had arrived early this morning.    I was so excited that I couldn’t focus for several hours and found myself thinking about the baby all day. 

This evening Nick and I were sitting down to a kid-free dinner after leaving the kids with my mom when my phone rang.  I was about to silence it when I saw the caller ID.  It was my new-mom friend.  I quickly answered the phone and her tired voice replied.  She told me the short version of her birth story, even better than she had envisioned.  I had to wave off the server, with mouthed apologies, because at that moment nothing was more important than hearing about her new daughter. 

There is a kind of elated exhaustion that only comes after childbirth.  I can’t explain it and you cannot know it until you have lived it.  It is the perfect combination of heaven and hard work.  It is the moment you meet the human that you and your partner have created.  It is amazing.  I have been lucky enough to have two of these moments, and although they couldn’t have been more different, they both held the same weight.

That absolute happiness resonated tonight in my friend’s voice as she gave me the details of her daughter’s birth.  I sat in a booth in the restaurant, tearing up and completely oblivious to everything around me.  Although we were talking over a great distance, it felt like she was next to me, and I could feel her joy in her voice.  I cannot explain the beauty I felt tonight, I can only wish you will someday experience it too.

Loop Holes

Tonight was rather challenging.  This morning I was up at 3am with Christian, who never fell back asleep.  After taking the kids to school I spent the whole day cleaning, and although the results of my efforts were extremely gratifying, by the time I picked up the kids I was beyond exhausted.  It became quickly apparent that the kids were at the ends of their ropes as well and I was basically just in survivor mode until dinner time.

Although Christian was tired he was behaving pretty well.  Tessie, on the other hand, was pushing my buttons as hard as she could.  Every little thing with her this evening was a battle.  She didn’t want to eat, she wanted ice cream, she didn’t want to take a bath, she wanted to play, she didn’t want me to wash her hair, it went on and on.  Every five minutes there was some new tragedy ending her world.  The screaming and whining was slowly killing me. 

She found a loop hole around everything I asked her to do, usually by means of her dad who wasn’t aware of the law I had just laid down until he was masterfully swayed into breaking it.  When it was finally time for Nick to read them books I escaped to the living room with a glass of wine and collapsed on the couch. 

Our routine every night is that after Nick reads books, usually only two but tonight Tes somehow got three, I come in to tuck them in.  I always tell Tessie one story and sing her one song.  Thankfully she didn’t put up any fight about going to bed.  I turned off the light after singing to her and bent down to kiss her goodnight.  A sudden wave of love came out of nowhere and hit me so hard it took my breath away. 

I love this crazy, maddening, makes-me-want-to-pull-my-hair-out girl so much it’s beyond words.  And even though I wanted to strangle her for most of the evening, just then I couldn’t take my face away from where it was, snuggled in her damp hair.  I kissed her on her forehead about ten times and said “Even when I’m really mad I still love you, do you know that?”  She sighed and said in an almost teenage tone, “I know mom.”  I guess she found one more loop hole, she wasn’t going to let me go to bed without remembering that she owns my heart.  What a beautiful little sneak. 

Who wouldn't fall for this?

Christian in the Rain

We had a great family day today.  Nick got home early from work and headed outside to finish the rock-work around our fire pit.  Christian was down for a nap so Tes and I joined Nick outside.  Tessie took the job of smoothing the sand in the cracks between the stones very seriously.  Once we had all the sand in place we poured dirt around the pit and smoothed it up to the edges of the stones.  Tessie marched around the fire pit singing and laughing. 

When Christian woke up Nick carried him out and set him in a chair as we finished the clean up.  Just then a soft rain started to fall.  Christian blinked as raindrops fell on his eyelids and cheeks.  At first I thought he was going to start crying, but then he slowly began to smile.  “What do you think Bubs?” I asked and he softly whispered “Good.”  We sat there for a while in the rain together, Christian in his chair and me on the ground at his feet.  Tessie danced around us and Nick stood close by, watching. 

When the rain started to fall a bit heavier we made a run for the back porch, laughing and wet.  The rest of the afternoon and evening was wonderful.  Nick played with the kids while I made dinner.  I made Antelope Gyros with Tzatziki sauce and a Caesar salad, which turned out to be one of the best meals I have ever made.  We ate outside under the trees, talking and enjoying the sounds of the river.  After dinner Tes helped me feed the chickens by getting in the coop with them and basically chasing them around with the tupperware of table scraps.  I don’t think the chickens were that pleased but Tessie and Christian were thoroughly entertained.  We broke in the new fire pit and the kids both agreed that Daddy had done a great job.  After a bath and books we tucked the kids in and kissed them goodnight.

I had so many beautiful moments today but the one I can’t get out of my head was Christian in the rain.  There is something about rain on your face, tiny points of cold hitting your eyelids.  As I watched Christian enjoying the sensation I knew he was completely happy, and that he was having his own beautiful moment.

All things Halloween

My daughter loves dress up time.  She is usually wearing several tutus at a time, and a crown as well.  It should come as no big surprise that her favorite holiday is Halloween.  She loves Halloween so much that we are often playing trick or treat and discussing what to be for Halloween this year, all year long. 

I just got a catalog in the mail from a Halloween costume warehouse.  I was glancing through it, all the costumes were ridiculously expensive but I thought I might find some ideas, when Tessie walked up and asked what I was looking at.  I showed her the catalog and she went into shock.  “Oh my gosh!  Can I see that?”  I handed her the catalog and she took it to the coffee table.  She looked at each page thoroughly, with a very serious look on her face.  Occasionally she would get really excited about a certain costume and show it to me or Christian.

Tes carried the catalog around all afternoon.  Several times she made me sit down and she showed me the different combinations of costumes she wanted to get.  “Um, I think I want these shoes and this crown.  And maybe this dress would be good.” she said with her hands on her hips.  She even picked out super hero and Elmo costumes for her brother.

I couldn’t help being so in love with her in that moment.  She was cracking me up with how thorough she was in her examination of the catalog.  It looks like I may be making at least four different Halloween costumes this year, but if it makes her as happy as she was today I will do my best.  Her love of dress up and all things Halloween is one of my favorite things about her and truly beautiful.

My Taylors

Today my very close friend Taylor came into town from Chicago.  It was a last minute trip so that she could pick a venue for her wedding next summer.  We met up with another friend, also named Taylor (yes I am aware of the number of Taylors in my life), and headed out to a couple of appointments we had made. 

The three of us hadn’t been all together in over a year and it was so nice to be chatting again like old times.  As we were all laughing and reminiscing my children made their presence known.  Tessie wasn’t so bad, she just wanted to be acknowledged.  But Christian started screaming, and continued for quite sometime, until mercifully, he finally fell asleep. 

We finally arrived at the venue we were all banking on, the dream venue.  This was a beautiful, sprawling ranch, complete with barns and an actual horse drawn carriage.  After a tour of the property, during which I lugged my children around in the heat the whole time, we sat down to talk details.  Much to our surprise it appeared the dream venue might actually work out! 

We piled the kids back in the car and stood looking around for a moment.  I leaned towards Taylor-the-bride and whispered “You're gonna get married here.”  All three of us broke out into huge smiles and stood for a minute in a tight hug.  As we got in the car and drove away, the kids were chatting happily about seeing the horses and the promised ice cream, I looked at my two Taylors in the front seat and smiled.  The love of my girlfriends is a beautiful thing.

A Little Freddy

This evening I was procrastinating getting the kids in to the bath.  They had been watching a movie and when the credits came on Tessie started to dance to the music.  She invited us all to come to the living room to watch the show, so we pushed Christian into the living room in his high chair, and Nick and I sat on the couch.  When the music ended she asked for more so I pulled out my Queen DVD to see what she thought of it.

I swear Tessie channeled Freddy Mercury tonight.  She danced with such attitude and spunk I had to dance with her.  I smiled so hard it hurt.  The DVD was a live performance and Tes was riveted to the screen.  She tried to mimic every move and was quite good.  Being a huge fan of Queen myself, I enjoyed her love of the music thoroughly.  Watching her shake and twist to “Under Pressure” was so entertaining and absolutely beautiful.

I Love You So Much

Today was a very mellow day, nothing remarkable happened but it was a good day.  It rained for a good part of the day and the kids and I all moved slowly throughout our routine.  When Nick got home the kids were sweet and snuggled with him on the couch while I finished dinner.  We had a great meal and then I got the kids in their bath. 

While they were splashing around together I stepped into my bedroom and dug through a pile of clean laundry to find them some pajamas.  I listened to them talking and playing together while I thought about the day.  There were a few different moments I was considering writing about, and while I looked for a single matching top for one of the ten pairs of pajama bottoms I had found, I tried to decided which one to pick. 

Just then I heard Tes say to her brother in a soft voice “I love you Bub.”  As I thought it couldn’t get any cuter, he answered “I love you too.  I love you so much.”  I melted.

Although they have their moments of frustration or jealousy, and I’m sure there will be many more, my children truly love each other.  And the most wonderful thing is that they tell each other, all the time.  I believe in saying I love you constantly.  I have never thought it is less meaningful with over use, or that it can even be over used.  If I have passed this philosophy on to my children then I feel like I’m doing a good job as a mom.  Their small exchange in the tub was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.

The Architect

My daughter has always loved building things.  I got her a set of blocks for her first Christmas, and ever since she has been amazing us with her buildings and castles.  Tes will build with wooden blocks, foam blocks, legos, pillows, you name it. 

Today, when I arrived at her preschool to pick her up, she was in the middle of a major project.  She was building with some magnetic squares that she has played with many times.  It was the end of the day, and most of the kids had already gone home.  Tessie was at a table alone, with the magnets in front of her, just starting to build a house.  She was totally engrossed in her project so I gave her a five minute warning and let her know I’d be back after I got her brother. 

Getting Christian’s things together took a little longer than I expected.  I left him with a friend and ran back to Tessie’s class to get her.  I was greeted by a giant building and a beaming Tes.  She had built the most remarkable structure.  The magnetic squares she was using are not the easiest things to work with, but she had managed to build an extremely symmetrical and large structure.  I was so impressed with her engineering skills, it’s not every day I see such a beautiful building.

Daddy's Got the Magic Touch

Today was the first day back at school, daycare for Bub and preschool for Tes. They were super excited and in great moods all morning. I got them dressed, loaded up their backpacks, and we were off. They walked into school together, killing me with cuteness, and I headed off to run errands and clean the house.

When I returnened to pick them up this afternoon I foresaw a happy car ride home filled with stories from the day. All was going as planned until I told Christian it was time to go home. "I don't wanna go!" he screamed and more screaming followed. The screaming continued in the parking lot, through being buckled in, and the entire ride home. I was given a brief moment of quiet after a long talk in the car about being a big boy but it didn't last long. Finally, about five minutes before Nick walked in the door, Christian decided the world was not, in fact, ending.

As soon as daddy got home Christian was happy as could be. Almost all the way through dinner he was in a great mood.  As soon as I took him upstairs for a bath, and out of sight of daddy he started in again with the two year old nonsense. I washed him as quickly as I could and told Tes, over the yelling, that I was taking Christian to daddy and I would be right back. I handed Nick his son, expecting him to scream as I headed back upstairs.

Instead of crying I heard gleeful laughter and poked my head back around the corner. Christian was flying over nicks head, legs kicking in the air, and a huge smile on his face.  He was kicking so hard that he was out of breath, not to mention Nick's arms were about to fall off.  I stood there for a while and watched my son and his father, in their own world of happiness. 

It's hard, sometimes, to not be jealous of daddy moments.  This is the nature of a mother's relationship with her children, we get fun moments to be sure, but all of the hard and testing moments are saved just for us. Our children feel safe enough to let themselves be completely vulnerable.  Unfortunately, this means we get tantrums, tears, and screaming in the car.  Tonight I watched Christian playing with his father, and later listened as both kids giggled happily as he read them books.  He even got Tes to put on her pajama top, a tiny issue, but one she was fighting me tooth and nail on.  Tonight I swallowed my pride and told myself not to take it personally.  Nick is a wonderful father and on nights like these, and every other night, watching him wield his magic touch is a beautiful thing. 

Walking to school

Flying with Daddy

Tuckered Out

My little guy spends an unfortunate amount of time lounging on the couch.  In the past, the very recent past, if I wanted to get anything done I would prop Christian up with pillows and put on a movie.  I have never liked this arrangement, but because he hasn’t been able to sit and play alone this has been my only way to have him be happy on his own.  He has been able to spend more time recently playing on his own, either on his bed, sitting on the floor for brief periods, or in his walker.

Today we made it almost all the way to lunch without any couch time.  Christian played in his room with his sister, he walked in his “car” all over the house, and he sat and colored at his bench in the living room.  Just as I was about to start making lunch Christian began to get fussy, for the first time all day.  I decided it was time for the couch to step in.

Christian asked to watch Kung Fu Panda and he smiled as the movie started.  I stepped into the kitchen to start lunch and listened to Christian chatting happily to the movie and Tessie talking to her dolls in her room.  As I was about to call to the kids that lunch was ready I realized I hadn’t heard Christian in a while.  I walked into the living room to check on him, and there he was, sitting up in the corner of the couch, sound asleep. 

Christian had been working so hard all morning that he was completely worn out.  I picked up my sweet boy and carried him to his room.  I laid him down and kissed his forehead.  He murmured slightly, then fell back into a deep sleep.  The sight of my little guy getting worn out because he played so hard was a simple beauty, but one I have been waiting for.

Family Dinner

This evening I sat down to dinner with my husband and children at our table for the first time in four nights. That is a really long time for our family to be apart. We had spent the weekend in Albuquerque and Nick had been guiding a fishing client in the mountains all weekend. We were all exhausted but happy to be home. I set the table, complete with wildflowers from our yard and set out the food. We had antelope steaks, fresh from Nick's hunt last week, and various vegetables provided by friends' gardens. The kids told their dad about their fun weekend and we caught up with each other. It was so satisfying to sit down to a fresh, healthy meal in my own home. I love visiting my mom, but I missed my husband, and having the four of us at one table again was beautiful.

Walking Tall

After our day at the children’s hospital yesterday, it was important to me that we have a fun day today.  And that is exactly what we did.  We started the day off with snuggles on the couch, both Tessie and Christian woke up in wonderful moods.  Then the kids, my mom, and I all had breakfast with my Grammy.  The kids were, of course, thrilled to get pancakes, and my Grammy enjoyed the visit.  After my mom dropped her off at home and climbed in the car with us, it was time for the real excitement, the aquarium and botanical gardens!  

I had an ulterior motive in mind today, which was getting Christian to walk in his “car” all by himself.  As I have previously mentioned, he has recently renewed his interest in the walker and I thought that, with proper motivation, I could really kick him into high gear.  What better motivation than fish?  I was right.

From the parking lot to the ticket office it was a little slow going, but as soon as we got into the building Christian took off.  The wheels on his walker are set really loose to make it easier to propel himself forward but, unfortunately, this also makes the walker move in crazy directions if Christian leans slightly more to one side.  This didn’t bother him at all and he just went for it.  I tried to keep him from running over or into people and helped him up various ramps to the fish tanks. 

 At his first glimpse of the fish he was in heaven.  Tessie would call him on and he followed her from tank to tank.  By the time we made it to the floor-to-ceiling tanks, Christian was literally jumping up and down with excitement.  At one moment he was gyrating in  the walker with pure joy, the next he was starting, open mouthed, at the tanks.  The last tank in the aquarium is huge.  It spans roughly twenty feet and reaches from the floor to the ceiling.  The best part; There are sharks in this tank.  Christian was beside himself with glee.  

We finally left the building and walked outside to get a snack before entering the botanical gardens.  Christian’s new aptitude for waking followed him outside and he walked all by himself across the courtyard.  I did have to nudge him occasionally to keep him from falling into holes and running into pillars but he did the walking part solo.  I was so amazed, I expected the entire pavilion of people to break out in applause.

The most amazing part of the day was yet to come.  After the botanical gardens we were completely wiped out.  Christian was asking to go night night and was no longer walking, he was in my arms.  We were dragging his walker, with difficulty, and all four of us were melting.  Incredibly, both kids were still happy and behaving wonderfully.  When we mentioned going back to the car they both asked to go back to the aquarium.  Once inside Christian got back in the walker and walked through the whole building again!  This time there were several stretches during which he held my hand while he was walking.  We have never, ever, been able to walk hand in hand.  How I kept from crying is beyond me.  

The day even ended well.  I was amazed that the kids didn’t fall asleep the moment we left the parking lot.  Instead they chatted happily to us and each other the whole drive back to my mom’s.  They were angels through dinner, bath, and bedtime routines.  I kissed their smiling faces goodnight and shut the door. 

I have never experienced the kind of pride I did today, walking hand in hand with my son through the aquarium.  I could tell I wasn’t the only one who felt it.  Christian walked tall, and never complained.  The right motivation was all he needed to, literally, step it up.  The joy emanating from him today was beyond beautiful.  What a day.

In Awe

Keeping up with Tes

Hello fish!

In 

The MRI

Today was a day I have been dreading for some time, the day of Christian’s MRI.  We woke up early, got dressed, and Christian and I headed down into the city.  He had to fast this morning so the poor guy was starving and begging me for milk, I mean really pulling out the big pleases, the entire drive down.  I tried not to get worked up during the commute and instead focused on trying to find the parking structure and get us to the appointment on time.  Once there I immediately found out that I would not be allowed in the room during the MRI.  A small panic started to build in the pit of my stomach.  My nervousness about the day stemmed from the fact that Christian would be sedated for close to an hour, and the thought of not being able to see him breathing that whole time terrified me.  Deep breaths, Chrissy, deep breaths.  

We were shown to a small play room to wait, and Christian was completely distracted from his hunger by all the toys.  As it turns out, we had to wait for a long tim before even seeing a nurse.  We were finally shown to a room where I was given more information about the procedure, asked questions about Christian’s history, and he was prepped for anesthesia.  Next came one of the steps I was not looking forward to, the placement of his IV.  We laid Christian, who until this moment had been basking under the attention of several adoring women, on a bed and two of the nurses proceeded to find a vein in his hand for the IV.  There was no way in the world I was going to watch, or allow Christian to watch, his little hand getting poked and prodded.  I leaned over the bed so I was looking right at him and he locked eyes with me.  I sang his favorite songs to him and rubbed his head, he smiled at me the whole time.  The only indication he gave that anything out of the ordinary was happening was a small “ow” he whispered when they inserted the needle.  I couldn't believe it, I had prepared myself for yelling, screaming, and tears, mostly mine.  He was incredibly brave.  

Once they had the IV in, a splint on his wrist, and a washcloth wrapped around the whole operation, I sat in a rocker with Christian in my lap and read to him while we started our next round of waiting.  After a while I felt him grow heavy in my arms.  When the nurses came back to start the anesthesia, he was already asleep.  I laid him back on the hospital bed and stayed close as they placed sensors and monitors on his little sleeping body.  He woke up briefly when they started the IV drip but I coaxed him back to sleep, and so the dreaded moment of watching him being “knocked out” never even came. 

I was allowed to walk with him all the way up to the door of the room where the MRI would take place.  I kissed him goodbye and tried to be tough as I watched them carry away my sleeping baby.  I struggled to hold back tears as I walked away by myself to wait.  After about an hour, a very long hour, a nurse came to get me.  She explained that although he had almost woken up with a minute remaining, she had been able to calm him back down and they had finished the MRI successfully.  I rushed back into the room expecting to see him pale and limp.  He was snuggled up with a nurse, looking like he was enjoying his nap.  I thankfully took him into my arms, he was still wrapped in his favorite blanket and cuddled up with his “snuggy”, which they had allowed him to take into the MRI.  For a long time we just rocked, I felt a little silly for being so stressed but I knew I wouldn’t feel completely fine until he was awake and happy.  

After a while a nurse asked me to start trying to rouse him.  I rubbed a damp rag on his face and chest, talked to him about getting up, and sang upbeat silly songs.  He was out cold, slightly snoring, and didn’t seem anywhere close to waking up.  I sat back and said “Christian, would you like to watch The Incredibles?”  His eyes flew open, he looked right at me, and said “Ya mom.”  I laughed out loud.  I made good on my promise and found some Incredibles footage on youtube for him to watch on my phone as I continued to rouse him, get some fluids in him, and chat with the nurses.  Within an hour he was given the okay to go home.  As I pushed him out of the hospital I thought of all my anxiety that had been surrounding this appointment.  I never should have doubted that my strong guy would have sailed right through.  But having him back in my arms, and asking for his favorite movie, was a beautiful relief.

Falling asleep before receiving any of the anesthesia.

Getting his medicine.

Back in my arms.

Story Time

This evening I pulled into my parents driveway, exhausted and in need of my mother.  Christian had spent a large portion of our almost three hour trip screaming bloody murder.  Thankfully, both children finally fell asleep and, by the time we got to the house they were awake and happy.  They played with my mom as I unloaded the car and we all had dinner together.  I fell into the easy relaxation that having grandparents around provides.  

This trip, unfortunately, is not simply for pleasure.  Tomorrow is Christian’s MRI, which we are very much looking forward to the results of, but which I have been dreading.  Christian will have to be under anesthesia for 45 minutes so he doesn’t move during the MRI.  Even though I know it will be under completely different circumstances, I have had a hard time separating this from the only other encounter Christian had had with anesthesia.  I am referring to my emergency cesarean which lead to him going without oxygen for approximately five minutes.  This MRI may give us a lot of information about the future for Christian, so I am trying to move past all scary thoughts and focus on the benefits.  

One of the positives is spending time with their Tutu, my mother.  Once the kids were in their jammies tonight, they cuddled up with my mom to read books.  Tessie chose a “Peter Pan” book that was my favorite as a little girl.  It is a rather long book, and my mother looked a little concerned, but I assured her she could abbreviate and just describe the pictures.  As she started to read I gathered up our things for the morning so Christian and I could be off to an early start.  Once I had everything set I laid down on the bed and listened to the story.  I had to keep myself from laughing.  My mom had gotten so caught up in the story that her version was actually taking longer than if she had read every word.  She was waving her arms around and the kids were enraptured.  

For a moment I could let all of my anxiety about the upcoming appointment disappear.  Tessie’s mouth was stuck in a silent “O” and Christian was listening to every word with a serious concentration.  No one else was concerned with what was happening in the morning, they were all simply enjoying the right now.  I let myself sink into this moment, and recognize it for what it was; a beautiful connection between my children and their grandmother.

A Glimpse of What Could Be

Christian has made a lot of progress in the last few months when it comes to his sitting.  He has been working really hard and it has paid off.  He can now sit extremely well while propping himself on his hands, and is getting better every day at sitting with no hands at all.  However, with all of this focus on sitting, he has shifted his interest away from walking in his “car.” 

Very recently Christian had started to walk in his walker or “car” on his own.  When given something to walk towards or knock down he would take several steps on his own.  We were really excited because this was a big step towards him getting around the house independently.  Recently he has stopped walking independently altogether and hasn’t liked spending much time in his car at all. 

Yesterday, during his physical therapy session, it all changed.  His therapist adjusted the  walker to make it easier for him to move, and all of a sudden he was walking!  Today he walked into his sister’s room, played tea with her for a while, then said he wanted to go into the living room.  With a few taps from me to keep him from crashing into the walls, he walked all the way into the living room, went right to the piano, and started playing. 

The source of most of Christian’s frustration is that he can’t get himself where he wants to go.  It pains me to watch him struggle with this.  Today I got a little glimpse of what life might be like in our near future.  With some hard work and dedication, my little guy may be pretty close to independent (in his walker) walking.  What a beautiful thought!

Big Sister

Tessie has had her struggles with being a big sister at times.  She has moments, like all siblings, when she doesn’t want to share her toys, her snacks, or her mother.  Sharing me has probably been the hardest for her.  I try to give my children equal time but the truth is that Christian simply demands more.  I have always been amazed at Tessie’s patience and love for her brother, even when it is difficult for her.  Today she went above just being patient with her brother, today she was his champion.

All day long Tessie got Christian his toys when he dropped them, she handed him his milk, sang him songs, and gave him hugs.  I could count on her to calm him down and make him laugh.  She was an angel.

As I was making lunch Christian started to reach the end of his pre-nap rope.  He was sitting in his high chair, pushed up to the table and Tessie kept up her wonderful big sister act and entertained him while I prepared their sandwiches.  She danced in front of him and made silly faces and Christian was laughing appreciatively.    But despite her great routine, he stared to fuss.  I came around the corner from the kitchen just as he really started to wail.  I started to try to calm him when all of a sudden he simultaneously pushed his chair back from the table and lurched to the side.  He flipped up and out of his chair and before I could blink all I could see were his feet. 

I leaped across the table without thinking and grabbed his leg, pulled him back up, and held him close, all in a flash.  As he started to scream louder I started to shake all over and tears streamed down my face.  Just then I felt a tug at my arm.  I looked down at Tes and she started to sing.  “Twinkle, twinkle, little star.”  We crouched down and she sang to her brother, his crying stopped and my heart rate slowed.  By the time Tessie finished singing Christian was smiling.  Even through my subsiding panic I was touched by Tessie’s protectiveness of her brother. 

The kids sat down to lunch and I watched them chatting to each other about their peanut butter sandwiches, completely forgotten was  the moment of terror that had just passed.  I was in awe of my little girl and the amazing sister she was.  When I find myself struggling with her lack of patience for her brother I will think back to today and her beautiful soothing song.

Appreciation

What a day we have had!  It started with swim therapy for Christian at the pool, which is really fun for all of us.  Nick joined us today, which was a special treat, and all four of us wore ourselves out.  The middle of the day was filled with cleaning, gardening, napping (not for me of course) and splashing around in the kiddie pool.  We surprised the kids with dinner out, followed by a movie.  Finally the kids are asleep and I will be following shortly.   Whew.

During the middle part of the day spent at home, I decided to take on Tessie’s bedroom.  This was no small feat.  I spent hours going through toys, sorting, vacuuming, and folding laundry.  I was pretty proud of Tes, she stuck with me through most of it and even voluntarily got rid of some toys.  In the end we could once again see the floor and Tessie was happily playing with some toys she had been sure were lost forever. 

My beautiful moment was not the time I spent hacking my way through the mess in my daughter’s room.  This evening, after the movie, on the way home we were talking about all the fun things we did today.  Tessie mentioned swimming, dinner and the movie.  Then she got really excited and said “And we cleaned my room!”  I had to laugh as she listed all the things we did and all the toys she had re-discovered.  I have never had someone so ecstatic over time I spent cleaning.  Appreciation is a beautiful thing.

The Best Game Ever

We had a family day today, all four of us were together all day.  It was great.  This afternoon the kids were getting restless and Nick suggested we take Christian for a walk outside.  He loved the idea so we geared him up and carried the walker outside so Christian could walk on the brick alongside our living room. 

I pushed him up and down the walkway after his sister, he was doing great with his stepping and having a ball.  I stood up to take a break and stretch my back, and Tessie decided to try to make Christian laugh.  He was at one end of the walkway and she was at the other.  At first she just danced around making silly faces.  Then she ran straight at him with a crazy look on her face, and crashed into him while simultaneously wrapping him in a giant embrace. 

I was about to pull her back and ask her to be more gentle; Christian usually gets very particular about personal space while in his walker.  But today he had a completely different reaction; he started roaring with laughter.  They played this game for a solid five minutes.  It was an absolute joy to watch.  As Tes approached him Christian would burst into expectant giggles, and if he hadn’t been totally strapped into his walker, he would have fallen right over.  It was so great to watch my kids completely entertained by each other, and so obviously in love.  It was a thing of beauty.

The Stair Master

My little guy has been getting pretty frustrated lately.  He is every bit a two year old boy, from the tantrums, to playing super hero beat-um-up games, to giggle fits.  Every way except for the running around like crazy part.  And this is his source of frustration.  Christian wants to do everything, check everything out, and explore every nook and cranny.  Unfortunately, I am his means to an end, and I don’t always interpret his wants correctly.  This results in a lot of fit-throwing, general grumpiness, and sadly, time outs. 

Tonight Christian really wanted to follow his sister around.  I ignored my screaming back, bent over, and holding him under his arms, assisted Christian in walking after Tes on the way to bath.  When we got to the bottom of the stairs I started to pick him up but then reconsidered, and decided to let him walk up the stairs on his own.  Usually this means that I stoop over and “hop” Christian up, one stair at a time, which he finds hilarious.  As I was about to pick him up for the first step he raised his right knee and stepped onto the next step. 

This little feat was amazing on several levels.  The first amazing factor is that Christian usually has a very difficult time getting his legs to do different things.  He wants to flex both legs or bend both legs at the same time.  On the stairs this evening he had one leg straight and one leg bent at ninety degrees.  The second amazing thing he did was switch his weight to his right leg, push off and pull his left leg up onto the step.  I was in shock.  Keep in mind I was still hunched over, holding him upright, and expecting to pick him up and carry him the rest of the way.  But this is when the most amazing thing of all happened; he continued to walk in this same way up the entire stair case. 

Towards the top he had a hard time getting his foot over the lip of the stair and I helped him pick it up for the last few steps.  I could tell he was working extremely hard, and I was so proud I thought my heart would burst. When we made it to the top Christian was beaming.  He knew that he had just done something totally new, and very impressive.  Watching my little man climb those stairs tonight was watching absolute beauty in motion.  I am still in awe.

You Can't Take The Ballet Out Of The Girl

We are lucky here in this little town of ours to have a multitude of fun, and free, things to do with our children.  One of these activities is a free ballet class for young girls.  Tessie has shown interest in this for ages and we have made several attempts at it.  Being the princess that she is, ballet class seems a natural and perfect place for her.  However, she is also a very free spirit and thus far it has proven hard for her to abide by the grace and discipline that ballet, even toddler ballet, requires. 

The first time I took her to ballet was a complete disaster.  There were a lot of other girls there, most of them older than Tes.  We only lasted about 20 minutes, Tessie couldn’t follow any directions, Christian was screaming, and I had to run into the midst of fifteen tutu clad ballerinas to pull out mine, kicking and screaming.

The second time we attempted ballet class went slightly better.  We got about halfway through class and Tes was having fun when she spotted herself in the wall of mirrors.  All ballerina decorum disappeared and my free spirit started shaking her little booty all over the room.  I couldn’t help laughing but that pretty much killed the rest of ballet class.  She didn’t want to do anything else the teacher asked and finally ended up in my lap in tears.  I once again left with two screaming children. 

Since then I have been avoiding ballet class.  I was perfectly happy with the idea that Tes would never be a ballerina, but she kept bringing it back up.  She pranced around the house all day in tutus, made up dances to every song she heard, and rented The Nutcracker at least four times in several months.  It was pretty clear I could take the girl out of ballet class but I couldn’t take the ballet out of the girl.  Yesterday she announced she was ready to go back to ballet.  After she promised to listen to the teacher and stay in class till the end I agreed we would try it again. 

So today Tessie put on a tutu and I put her hair in a high bun.  We walked into ballet class and she immediately started dancing around the room.  I was a little worried we were going to have a repeat performance, but then her teacher walked in and called the girls together.  From that moment on Tes was glued to her ballet teacher’s every word.  She followed every direction and did every step.  She had a look of absolute joy on her face the entire time, and I couldn’t help but echo it.  I was witnessing Tessie in her element.  It was amazing.  As it turns out, our timing was off with ballet but it is exactly what Tes should be doing.  Watching her dance around with the other pint sized ballerinas was incredible and absolutely beautiful.

Potty Time

Today was one of those special days for a mom, when the happy moments far outnumber the challenging moments.  The kids and I had a great day.  Aside from a few minor upsets Tessie and Christian were angels all day.  Their good behavior lasted through a play-date, naps, meals, and hours of errands.  All day long we laughed and played.  I had so many beautiful moments to choose from today, I felt truly blessed.  The moment I finally decided to write about this evening has to do with my son and his new favorite thing, the potty.

Yesterday Christian pooped on the potty.  It was really just a matter of lucky timing on my part and curiosity on his.  Now he won’t stop talking about going potty.  So today, when we got home from running errands, Christian said he had to go potty and I got him onto his new favorite seat.  We sat there together for a long time.  Christian started chatting up a storm.  He listed every animal he knew and the noises they made.  He told me about all his favorite movie characters, who was scary and who was incredible.  I just sat there smiling, enjoying his good mood.  After a while he agreed it was time to go put back on a diaper and so I carried him back to his room and got him re-dressed.

He didn’t “go potty” during his time on the potty today, but I could tell it made him feel like such a big boy to sit there.  At times I didn’t even support him, he sat alone, holding onto the little potty seat handles and looking proud.  I was so pleased to see him feeling like such a big boy.  And so although sitting on the floor in the bathroom for twenty-some minutes might not seem the least bit beautiful to some, for me it was the most beautiful twenty minutes of my day.

It Sucks

This morning I was sitting on the floor in Christian’s room, watching him with his physical therapist.  He was working on rolling over to get a balloon.  As I watched him straining to roll from his back to his stomach, which he still hasn’t accomplished wholly on his own, I suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion.  I couldn’t stop myself, the tears just started streaming down my cheeks.  Christian was fine, he was smiling and oblivious to my upset.  I pulled myself together but all morning I continued to unexpectedly burst into tears.  I was in a funk.

No parent likes to watch their child struggle.  This is a universal truth.  Wether or not you are a parent of a child with a developmental delay, a disability, or any challenge at all, we all wish we could just smooth the path and make it easy.  When there are obstacles set in front of our children our jobs as parents are to be there for support, but ultimately let them learn how to overcome those obstacles on their own.  I find this to be the hardest job in the world.

I needed some support of my own, so I texted Nick at work.  I told him about my emotional funk and what had brought it on.  I said sometimes I just wish it was easier.  He reminded me that Christian has it a lot easier than some.  He has a house, food, and a family that loves him.  I agreed but but I was still upset at the whole situation.  Then he said what I was really thinking, “It sucks.”

Having a constant stiff upper lip is exhausting, both physically and emotionally.  Eventually it gets to you and, like today, when that happens all the emotions I have been keeping in check just overflow.  At times like these, once the floodgates open, it is sometimes best to just give in and let it run it’s course.  I’m not saying to focus on the negative.  We have to, have to, focus on what Christian can do, not what he can’t.  And I’m not saying that I am not amazed by how hard he works or by how far he has come.  And I am definitely not saying I will give up being his cheerleader and biggest fan.  But I am saying that sometimes, only sometimes, I need to allow myself the chance to say “it sucks.”  It sucks for Christian that he has to work so hard to do what comes so naturally to most.  It sucks that at two years old he can’t chase his sister around the house.  And it sucks that I don’t know when he will be able to. 

It’s amazing that just saying these things out loud can make me feel better.  I have to empty myself of the negative energy every once in a while.  So until I am again ready to burst, I am going to go back to only speaking of the positive, and only celebrating Christian’s triumphs.  Because the truth is, nothing about Christian sucks at all.  And purging myself of all the ugliness allows me to focus on how beautiful he is.

Our No Nap Afternoon

Afternoons are usually quiet at our house.  The kids go down for a nap around 2:30 or 3:00.  Christian is easy and goes to sleep in his room with just a kiss on the cheek.  Tes is a bit tougher, she lays down on our bed with a movie on, but she also usually naps for at least an hour.  While they sleep I run around cleaning and trying not to wake them up.  Lately this system has begun to break down.  For the past few days neither child has taken an afternoon nap but today I tried again anyway. 

At first it seemed like I was in the clear.  I left a seemingly sleepy Christian in his room and headed upstairs with Tes.  She went potty, picked a movie, and crawled into bed.  I sat with her for a few minutes while she watched the previews.  Just then, over the sound of Mozart playing from the baby monitor, I heard a little voice start to chat.  I sighed, but instead of the yelling I was expecting, Christian continued to talk to himself, happily, and so I just listened.  I started the movie for Tes and lay next to her listening to Christian chatting to some unseen toy about movies, balloons, and how he was going night nights.  Soon Tessie started chatting to me as well, obviously not anywhere close to napping.  I just relaxed for a minute and listened to both of my children talking about nothing. 

After a while Tessie turned to me and said “Mom, I just heard Bubbi say he wanted to come sleep with Tessie.”  I hadn’t heard any such thing but I smiled and said I would go get him.  When I walked into Christian’s room he was laying there wide awake and happy to see me.  We went back upstairs and I sat him on the bed next to his sister.  They watched the movie for a while, finally quiet now that they were in each other's company.  Even though I didn’t get my quiet afternoon I was happy to be a part of the beautiful moment of sibling togetherness. 

Baby Toy Nostalgia

Both of my children’s bedrooms have gotten out of control.  I’m pretty sure a herd of wild animals ran through both of their rooms tearing clothes out of drawers, and toys out of containers as they went.  I could no longer remember what their floors looked like so today I started operation Kid’d Room Overhaul.  Christian’s room was first. 

I decided that I should purge some of the hundreds of toys cluttering the floor.  As I picked through and sorted toys I found that getting rid of Christian’s old toys was harder than I thought.  Each little rattle or stuffed animal came with a picture in my head of a tiny little guy.  I was surprised how much this little project affected me.  I really had to remind myself that Christian is a big boy and he would no longer be playing with these baby toys.  In the end I toughened up and managed to get rid of a lot of stuff. 

Later I was in the living room with Tes and Christian watching them play with a miniature toy train set.  Christian was sitting exceptionally well and he and Tes were making choo-choo noises and pushing the trains around the floor.  Recently Christian has made a leap to big-boy play and I sometimes find myself still expecting him to behave more like a baby.  His physical skills have finally allowed him to move past rattles and teethers and now he plays with trucks and action figures.  It’s a funny feeling to want to hold on to that baby stage when at the same moment I want him to be such a big boy.  As silly as I felt about getting sentimental over his old toys, watching him play like any other two year old boy was wonderfully beautiful. 

The Rescue of the Red Balloon

Super Tessie

We have had quite a crazy weekend at our house.  I threw not one, but two birthday parties this weekend.  Within 17 hours of each other.  Saturday night was Nick’s birthday BBQ and camp-out, which became a camp-in since it rained all night.  Sunday morning was Christian’s Incredible Birthday Party, themed after his favorite movie, The Incredibles.  I cooked tons of food, made deserts for both parties, and even created a custom cocktail.  I stayed up way too late, had way too much fun, and this morning I got off to a late start.  It all came together in the end however, both parties were great, and we all had a ton of fun.  But by about 2pm I was spent.

Christian went down for a nap without a single complaint, Nick was out like a light the

The Red Balloon

moment his head touched his pillow, but my darling girl would not fall asleep.  This of course meant there was no nap in my future.  I was concerned that I would be spending the afternoon with a very cranky child but on the contrary, she was amazing.  While I cleaned up Tessie played quietly in the living room with some of Christian’s new toys.  She played outside on the back porch for a while and I joined her for a snack.  That was when she turned to me and asked if I wanted to go on a nature walk.  Well, how could I refuse?

We walked barefoot, hand in hand, down to the river to dip in our toes.  As we were standing up to go explore somewhere else I saw a flash of color downstream.  Upon closer investigation it turned out to be a red balloon from the party, caught in some branches in the stream.  Still channeling the super hero vibe of the party, we decided to rescue the red balloon from it’s certain demise.

Another day saved!

Super Tessie and Super Mommy carefully approached the mass of branched holding our dear balloon captive.  It looked dangerous, but we weren’t afraid.  We knew the only way to save the balloon would be to work together, so I lowered Super Tessie down and she reached out for the balloon.  At first it seemed our efforts were in vain, but then Super Tessie used her Super Reach and grabbed the balloon from the clutches of the evil branches.  I pulled them back to safety and the day was saved, yet again!

As we walked back to the house with the red balloon Tessie looked up at me and said “Mom, that was a fun adventure.”  I smiled and said I thought so too.  What a beautiful way to spend the afternoon.

The Disaster Cake

There was a moment today when I was standing in my kitchen, surrounded by dirty dishes, half made appetizers, covered in flour and powdered sugar, tears streaming down my face.  This was the moment my husband walked in and said “You really didn’t have to do all this.”

I have a tendency to throw huge parties, cook everything, and not ask for any help.  Today was Nick’s birthday and, true to form, I was going crazy but insisting it was all under control.  The breaking point occurred while I was trying to frost a cake for Christian’s birthday party (which I’m crazy enough to hold the day after Nick’s party) while at the same time making three different appetizers.  The cake started to crumble and before I knew it, it was a complete disaster.  I couldn’t control the sob that bubbled up and I fell apart.

After pulling myself back together I put the cake in the fridge and told myself to deal with it tomorrow.  As usual, I pulled it off and as everyone arrived the food was on the table, the house (not including the kitchen) was clean, and I was tear free.  We had a great party, filled with kids laughing, friends visiting, and plenty of stories told. 

At the end of the evening we were standing outside in a light drizzling rain around the campfire, only the die hard party-goers still remaining.  Kids were sleeping in various beds and on couches.  I looked around in the firelight, filled with good food, a little wine, and the comfort of friends, old and new.  The disaster cake still waited for me in the fridge  but I knew that somehow I would make it work.  For all my flour covered craziness earlier, I had managed to end my night with the beautiful sound of friends voices drifting up with the campfire smoke.

Beauty and the Dump

Today’s moment occurred while we were at the dump.  That’s right, the dump.  What could be more beautiful than trash, especially trash in my lovely new car?  Okay, it had nothing to do with the actual trash.  Before leaving the house I always make sure Tessie goes potty, as a rule.  Occasionally, however, once on the road she will insist she has to go potty, like right now!  So of course, that is just what she did on the way to the dump.  There were no ideal places to pull over for a “nature pee” so I just kept urging Tes to hold on and we pulled into the dump.  Lo and Behold, the dump had a porta-potty.  Now don’t be concerned, my moment of beauty did not happen in the porta-potty, it was parked next to it.

As we pulled up close to the porta-potty we couldn’t help but notice the giant yellow tractor that was parked right next to our car.  The kids’ jaws dropped.  I had to remind Tes that she had to use the rest room.  Christian sat in his car seat just staring.  By the time Tes and I returned to the car Christian was chanting “Tractor, tractor, tractor!” 

It got even better; the transfer station attendant walked over while we were admiring the machine and climbed up into the cab.  The kids almost almost lost their marbles as the tractor roared to life.  He drove it over to one of the trash compartments and started packing down the trash bags.  Tessie was so excited she couldn’t even speak, which, believe me, is a rare occurrence.  Christian’s eyes grew wider than I thought possible.  “Cool, mama!”

As we drove away the kids were chatting in the back about the tractor.  I glanced back in the rear view mirror and smiled.  Watching my kids bonding over the dump-yard tractor was pretty special.  Who knew the dump could be so beautiful.

Empty Arms

Tonight we had dinner with friends at their home.  Our daughters are very good friends and they have a four month old son.  Although I look forward to dinners like this I also dread holding Christian in my lap all night because he won’t sit by himself or let anyone else hold him.  Don’t get me wrong, or start quoting from my other posts, I love cuddling with and holding my son.  But I really do love the idea of grown-up time, and as all parents know, this usually happens while your kids are playing with your friends kids and you are having wine over the sounds of (hopefully) happy cries.  Christian doesn’t usually let me have these nights.

Tonight was different.  He sat in a chair in the bedroom with the girls and gleefully watched them play.  I stood in the kitchen with my girlfriend with a glass of wine and listened to him laughing while the girls danced in front of him.  During dinner he ate happily in a borrowed highchair and I ate my entire meal without him in my lap.

I do love to cuddle with my kids but there are times when you look forward to them playing without you.  Tonight Christian gave me a great gift in the form of Mommy free time, although technically I wasn’t free it’s about as close as I get.  And even though I snuck back to the bedroom to check on them maybe a million times, my night with empty arms was beautiful.

Spying on the kids playing

Birthday Boy

One week old

Two years old! (this is the same bear)

My first experience with childbirth was magical.  Seven hours start to finish and I was handed a rosy, chubby baby girl.  I got to snuggle with her for thirty minutes before they even weighed her.  It was amazing.  When Christian was born I was unconscious and he wasn’t breathing and didn’t for about five minutes.  I didn’t come to for hours and he was definitely not being snuggled.  After three days I finally made it to Albuquerque to see him but my snuggles were limited because he had to stay under special lights.  It was hard to imagine a time when snuggling wouldn’t involve monitors and oxygen tubes.

Today Christian turned two.  I went to bed last night thinking of him and couldn’t wait to wish him Happy Birthday.  When I woke up this morning I could instantly tell it was much earlier than I usually get up and I lay there for a while wondering if I would be able to fall back asleep.  Thats when I heard a little voice over the baby monitor call for Momma.  I got up and groggily headed down stairs.  As I passed by the kitchen I glanced at the clock.  5:25.  Christian was born at 5:26.  When I walked into his bedroom this morning it was at the exact moment he was pulled from my womb.

He quieted when he saw me.  I lay down next to him and he snuggled into me.  I usually get about a minute of this before he asks for milk and a movie, but this morning was different.  He pressed his forehead against mine and I draped my arm over his little body.  We stayed that way for half an hour.  The whole time I lay there I thought, This was what should have happened the first time we met.  I think it was his birthday gift to me.

Finally he pulled away enough to look into my eyes.  I smiled and whispered “Happy Birthday Bubbi!”  Christian immediately broke into a huge smile, giggled, then asked for milk and a movie.  We went out into the living room and I set him on the couch, put on Despicable Me (one of his favorite movies) and poured him some milk and myself some coffee.  We sat next to each other and laughed whenever he quoted the movie.  It was perfect.

My son amazes me.  He was so tiny at birth, 3.06 pounds, that it was hard to picture him as a little kid or even a chubby baby.  We couldn’t see that far down the road and it scared us.  I look at him now and am continuously blown away by his sense of humor, his amazing vocabulary and his charming smile.  We may not have had an easy, perfect start, and things might not be what we were expecting but I have been given a gift in this little man of mine.  Our birthday snuggle was pure beauty, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.