It Sucks

This morning I was sitting on the floor in Christian’s room, watching him with his physical therapist.  He was working on rolling over to get a balloon.  As I watched him straining to roll from his back to his stomach, which he still hasn’t accomplished wholly on his own, I suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion.  I couldn’t stop myself, the tears just started streaming down my cheeks.  Christian was fine, he was smiling and oblivious to my upset.  I pulled myself together but all morning I continued to unexpectedly burst into tears.  I was in a funk.

No parent likes to watch their child struggle.  This is a universal truth.  Wether or not you are a parent of a child with a developmental delay, a disability, or any challenge at all, we all wish we could just smooth the path and make it easy.  When there are obstacles set in front of our children our jobs as parents are to be there for support, but ultimately let them learn how to overcome those obstacles on their own.  I find this to be the hardest job in the world.

I needed some support of my own, so I texted Nick at work.  I told him about my emotional funk and what had brought it on.  I said sometimes I just wish it was easier.  He reminded me that Christian has it a lot easier than some.  He has a house, food, and a family that loves him.  I agreed but but I was still upset at the whole situation.  Then he said what I was really thinking, “It sucks.”

Having a constant stiff upper lip is exhausting, both physically and emotionally.  Eventually it gets to you and, like today, when that happens all the emotions I have been keeping in check just overflow.  At times like these, once the floodgates open, it is sometimes best to just give in and let it run it’s course.  I’m not saying to focus on the negative.  We have to, have to, focus on what Christian can do, not what he can’t.  And I’m not saying that I am not amazed by how hard he works or by how far he has come.  And I am definitely not saying I will give up being his cheerleader and biggest fan.  But I am saying that sometimes, only sometimes, I need to allow myself the chance to say “it sucks.”  It sucks for Christian that he has to work so hard to do what comes so naturally to most.  It sucks that at two years old he can’t chase his sister around the house.  And it sucks that I don’t know when he will be able to. 

It’s amazing that just saying these things out loud can make me feel better.  I have to empty myself of the negative energy every once in a while.  So until I am again ready to burst, I am going to go back to only speaking of the positive, and only celebrating Christian’s triumphs.  Because the truth is, nothing about Christian sucks at all.  And purging myself of all the ugliness allows me to focus on how beautiful he is.