A Visit With Grammy

The kids and I spent the last two days visiting my parents.  This morning we met up with my paternal grandmother, my only remaining grandparent, for breakfast.  We sat the kids on each side of Grammy and let them work their magic.  Grammy was, of course, completely enthralled with the kids, even when they were acting up.  Over the last few years she has been struggling with her memory, and has pretty extreme short term memory loss.  During the course of a conversation she will often repeat the same question several times, and there have been moments when she doesn’t know who my kids are.  She is, however, an extremely sharp and brilliant woman.  She can recall the smallest details from my father’s childhood, or even mine. 

Today she had no problem recalling the kids, and delighted in how big they are getting, and how smart they are.  She laughed at the mess they were making, and joked that she didn’t envy me, but followed it up with a sincere compliment about my parenting.  After breakfast we went back to Grammy’s to visit for a while before heading home.  The kids were on the edge, it was getting close to nap time, but they held it together.  Mostly.    Christian sat on the carousel horse my grandfather carved.  Tessie walked up and down the hall lined with our family photos, singing softly to herself.  I watched my grandmother, sitting in the middle of the kid chaos, loving every minute of it. 

Grammy and I have always been close.  When I was a little girl she was this glamorous, beautiful woman who I would watch apply her make-up like she was a movie star.  When I went to collage we had a special lunch every week, and I brought all my friends, and laundry, up to see her and grandpa every weekend.  As an adult we have gotten even closer, sharing stories of motherhood and womanhood.  She is a wonderful and very important part of my life, and I love her immensely.

I am scared of losing her.  We lost my grandfather this year, and it affected me more than I was prepared for.  I know that I won’t have her forever, and so every special moment with her seems amplified, heavy with significance.  I want her to spend as much time with my kids as possible.  The fact that I don’t get down to Albuquerque very often makes that goal hard.  Toady was amazing, I know it meant the world to Grammy.  I don’t know how many moments I will have left with her, but I will treasure every one.  Today I loved watching her be in love with my children, these beings that are a part of her.  It was simply, wonderfully, and totally beautiful.

For Love of Cookies

Today the kids and I drove down for a quick, one night visit, to see my parents.  As a treat for the kids, I picked up a small package of cookies for the road.  Tessie ate her's right away, but christian just held onto his, happy just to have them. After about twenty minutes of driving, Christian nodded off and Tessie followed about fifteen minutes later.

As I was singing quietly along with the radio, and taking in all of the beautiful fall colors we were driving by, I glanced in my rearview mirror.  Christian was asleep with a cookie in each hand, and his milk clutched close against his side.  He looked like he may have been about to take a bite when he fell asleep, his arm was floating in mid air.

I had to stifle a laugh, it was ridiculously cute.   As we approached my parent's house Christian started to stir.  I greeted him with a smile and asked how his nap was.  He eyed me suspiciously, then made sure he was still holding both his cookies.  He never ate them.   When we arrived the cookies were both still in firm grips, I had to push them out of his car seat straps without removing them from his hands.

Finally, after we had been there for a while, I noticed the cookies weren't in Christian's hands anymore.   He had moved on to trucks and Mr. Incredible.   I have never seen him be so funny about food like that.   He is definitely not one to normally pass up a cookie.  But however strange and seemingly out of character, it was so cute, totally endearing, and a very beautiful little moment.

A Sibling Moment

Today I had a badly needed clean-house day.  The only hitch was that my children were home with me.  But something really amazing happened.  Tessie and Christian played together, really well, all morning.  Tessie was building houses in her room with blocks, I was attempting to start cleaning the kitchen but Christian was not happy in his spot on the couch.  I tried changing movies, bringing toys, nothing helped.  Then I asked if he wanted to play with Tessie in her room.  The answer was a very enthusiastic YES! 

Christian immediately wanted to play in Tessie’s tent, so I laid him inside and asked Tes if she wanted to join him.  She crawled in next to her brother and they began to talk about toys.  I snuck out of the room, hoping to get a few minutes of cleaning in before my son started calling me back.  I was pleasantly surprised. 

After about ten minutes, I stuck my head in Tessie’s room to see what was going on.  The kids were still both in the tent, just their feet were sticking out through the tightly closed flaps.  Tessie had secured the velcro on the tent door so they were enclosed inside.  I stood quietly in the doorway and listened to them whisper silly things back and forth, most of which I couldn't make out.  Every once in a while I would hear one of them giggle.  I finally snuck close enough to pear through the tent flaps.  They had their heads close together, bathed in a pink glow from the tent sides, and looked completely happy.

Tessie and Christian played together for well over an hour, while I scrubbed, folded, and washed.  There were very few complaints, cries, or whines, and I heard plenty of giggles, laughter, and happy exchanges.  I consider myself very lucky to have children who not only get along, but play very well together.  Witnessing  them have their private sibling moment in the tent today was extremely special and, above all, one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

The Gift

Today my daughter had me in a state of awe, the entire day.  Everything she did today seemed to be especially amazing, and made her even more beautiful.  All of a sudden she seemed to be such a big girl, no trace of baby at all, and even though I would have sworn it wasn’t possible, I am more in love with her now than ever before.

All morning long, Nick and I continuously made eye contact across the room, silently saying “Did you just see that?”  Everything she said or did hinted at the young woman she would become.  I could almost see this other version of herself, shadowed across her young features.  We were caught up in a wave of nostalgia for the baby we brought in to the world, juxtaposed with amazement for this vibrant little girl we somehow managed to create, and the incredible woman we knew was coming. 

At one point Tes was at the coffee table playing games on my lap top.  We couldn’t help but reminisce about when she barely peaked over the top of the table, standing on wobbly legs.  Tessie asked if she could take pictures on the computer and I turned on Photo Booth, the camera app on the lap top.  It takes pictures by counting down from three.  Of course Tessie was well aware of that, as well as all the different effects available.  I, however, was caught completely off guard when she hit the camera button then struck a pose, and held it, until the shutter sounded.  She took picture after picture, all ridiculously adorable.  I loved every second of it.

As I was showing the photo shoot to Nick, we started to look back into older pictures of Tes.  I cuddled up next to him on the couch, and Tes claimed his other side.  We looked at pictures and videos of our daughter, from about eighteen months to two years, laughing out loud at her silliness and love of the limelight.  Not a thing has changed.  I suspect it never will.  She loved all the pictures, and of course had to go back and show us all her favorites. 

We had a wonderful evening, full of sweet moments.  I found myself staring at her on several occasions, in awe of how beautiful and amazing she is.  The day was free of our common stand-offs and instead we had extra snuggles, kisses, and giggles.  As I was tucking her into bed I found myself telling her an extra-long story, instead of hurrying to turn out the light.  I kissed her goodnight and let my lips linger on her forehead.  How quickly will these moments disappear?  I hate to even think of it.  I whispered goodnight and closed her door quietly behind me, grateful for the gift she gave me of this beautiful day.

The Photo Shoot

Some Things Never Change

My beautiful moment today was a very small one, in terms of time. But it made me so nostalgic for my own childhood, that I was forced to take notice.

After dinner the kids were watching a movie with their dad and I was trying to corral them for bath time. I finally got Christian undressed and we started our slow trek up the stairs. Tessie was talking to Nick on the couch as I called for her to follow us. That was when I heard the shriek.

It's funny how a parent knows immediately if a shriek is happy or sad. I knew before I turned to look that Tessie would be smiling ear to ear. Nick was tickling her and she was sprawled across his lap, barely breathing through her laughter. It was infectious and we both laughed with her. And then suddenly, as I expected it to, the laughter hit a historical high, then instantly turned to tears.

I'm sure everyone can remember being tickled till they cried. I definitely can. That moment when fun becomes too much fun, was just tragic and yet the victim of this tragedy never gets much sympathy. And tonight, as Nick asked Tes if she was ok and she wailed in reply, Nick and I smiled at each other. We both remembered being in her shoes.

So Nick gave her a snuggle, and I carried her up the stairs to the bath. The whole time all I could think was how beautiful it is that some things never change, and probably never will.

Taking Care of Me

Today was one of those days in which I had a lot planned, and the time to do it, but at the end of the day I felt like I had accomplished nothing.  I had gotten some cleaning and organizing done, but not nearly as much as I had hoped.  And I had no idea what had happened to my time.  There was, however, a couple hours in the middle of the day that I felt were completely worthwhile.  They had nothing to do with my to-do list, and everything to do with my sanity.

I have never been a very athletic person, but there was a time I considered myself to be in pretty good shape, mainly right before I got pregnant with Tessie.  I worked really hard, got in the best shape of my life, then got pregnant.  I kept up the workout routine during my pregnancy, but in my final trimester I was put on bed rest.  When I became pregnant with Christian, I was so afraid of going back on bed rest that I got absolutely no exercise.  After my cesarian I continued with the no-exercise circuit and now here I am.  Really out of shape.  The other factor I am contending with was something very unexpected.  You see, on the scale there is not much of a difference.  But somehow, in the last four years, I have ended up with a body I am not familiar with.

When I turned thirty I shrugged off other’s complaints about getting older, and thought being scared of this decade was laughable.  But now, I am beginning to notice my body decided to start aging without me.  I am shaped differently than I was at twenty six, and I won’t pretend I’m not a little freaked out.  So now I am trying to do something about it.  Today I got on the treadmill, and with no children calling me, or time constraints, I pushed myself until I was sweaty, out of breath, and feeling great.  I took a long, I mean long shower, which I never get to do.  I washed my hair AND shaved my legs.  Amazing.  I usually only have enough time to pick one or the other.  I felt calm, centered, and more like myself.

Of course I felt crazy again in no time, when I realized what time it was.  I hurried to switch the laundry, sweep, and rush off to pick up the kids.  I had no dinner plan, and when we got home I went back into juggling kids, dinner, and clean up mode.  But under it all I could still feel that sense of calm  my little workout afforded me.  I hope to repeat my beautiful moment of taking-care-of-me again as soon as I can.  And maybe soon I can be proud of the shape I’m in again, even if it’s shaped a little differently. 

Little Miracle

Today I went on a quick trip to the grocery store while Tessie was at her ballet class.  I took Christian with me and halfway down the first aisle, I found myself getting a little emotional.   I should explain.

Grocery shopping with my children is usually unpleasant at best.   I'm sure most parents have been in similar situations; children screaming while you unload the cart, a toddler wanting to run up and down every aisle, and people staring at you like you are torturing your children, instead of the other way around.

I have rearranged my schedule so that shopping only involves the kids under extreme circumstances. Store tantrums, however, have only been part of the motivation for this.  As soon as Christian outgrew his infant car seat, shopping became a little bit more of a challenge.  An infant car seat can come right out of the car, and be placed in a shopping cart, making it a piece of cake to take the baby in the store.  Most often, when a child outgrows this seat, they are able to sit in the shopping cart and so there isn't an issue in the store.  Well this was not the case with Christian.  He was miles away from sitting in the shopping cart when he outgrew the handy traveling car seat.

I got creative.  I would stick Tessie in the shopping cart, put Christian in a sling or baby pack, and try to shop as quickly as possible.  Unloading the cart this way was no fun, since Christian wasn't so tiny at this point, and it usually took me twice as long.  I started looking around for a shopping cart cover with some major strap support.  Most carts, or cart covers, have one small strap that goes accross a child's waist and doesn't serve much of a purpose other than keeping the child from climbing out of the cart.  Well I was not worried about Christian climbing anywhere.  I finally found a cover with soulder straps, and if I ran them through the back of the cart's seat, and rolled up towels on either side of him, I could get through most of the store before I had to carry him, or he was completly falling over.

Lately Christian's sitting has been getting so good, that the last few times I took him to the store he sat in the shopping cart with no support.  It wasn't perfect, he still slumped over every few minutes, and I didn't let my hand stray far.  But today a miracle occured.  I took Christian into the store and he sat, unsuported, besides the useless strap, the whole time we were in the store.  I even wandered away from the cart to get something off a shelf, an he kept sitting.  At times he was only holding on with one hand, waving to people in the store.  He sat straight and tall, with pride all over his face, our entire twenty minutes in the store.  My life has just changed.

 It is these little differences in Christian lately, that are making the biggest impacts on our lives.  Being able to take him on quick trips to the grocery store, having him play by himself in his room for ten minutes without needing me to sit him up again, or sitting straight enough in his high chair to be able to try using a spoon to eat with.  These may seem like small things, but they are not.  They are, in fact, little miracles.  Just imagine lugging a, very heavy, toddler around for every small errand, even to walk into another room, and you may feel a little of this miracle.  Christian looked like such a big boy in that cart today, and having my easiest trip to the grocery store with him, well ever, was simply beautiful.