The Sadness Creeps Out

I have gotten pretty good at putting a good spin on things, at looking on the bright side. I constantly try to focus on the progress Christian makes, and try very hard to stay away from thinking about what he can't do. But every once in a while, the sadness creeps out of the shadows, and I fall apart.

Today it came on me, unexpected, while I was at a friends house. I had a good morning with the kids. We had run some errands in town and Christian fell asleep on the way home. After a short nap, he woke up happy, and we walked next door to see some friends.

When we walked into her house the first thing I noticed was that it was clean, really clean. This was the start of my break down. You may not understand why the sight of a clean house would upset me, let me explain. I count on my girlfriends, especially my girlfriends who also have two children, to help me feel better by also having messy houses. It is an unspoken rule. If their houses are clean then I feel like I am doing something wrong. Silly, but it's the truth. The second offense was that her kids were happy, all by themselves. They were watching a movie, got up when they wanted something, and went back to the movie. Christian chose that moment to start freaking out. He didn't want to stay in one place for more than a moment, and since I am his means of locomotion, this meant I was carrying him from room to room, without end.

I finally ended up putting him in time-out on my girlfriend's bed. I was getting frustrated, and I will admit, a little sad, and I was the one who really needed the time out. When he was in time out my friend tried to make me feel better, but I was tearing up. All my frustrations with what my son was limited by, and what that meant for me were crashing together. I fell apart.

I pulled myself together and we wet home. I put Christian down for a nap, and thankfully, he went down easily. I told Tes it was time for a nap and she asked me to carry her upstairs. I picked her up and she wrapped her arms around me. By the time we got upstairs she was squeezing me so tight I was on the verge of tears. We stood in my room, holding each other, for the longest time. Finally I put her down, and went downstairs. But I felt renewed. Even though she had no idea why I was feeling down, my daughter was able to cheer me up, just by loving me. And that is the most beautiful gift I could have received at that moment.