Discrimination

To say today was hard would be a gross understatement.  Some of you may have noticed that I am in a bit of a funk lately.  My role as a mother is coming less naturally these days, and is much more of a struggle than I'd like.  That, combined with Christian being in the middle of as bad of a case of the terrible twos as I could ever imagine, means that I am at my wits end.  So there was my everyday struggle, and then it got worse.  Today I encountered the first outright discrimination against Christian that I have ever experienced.

There have been countless instances when people have spoken or acted in insensitive ways.  Some have asked "what's wrong with him", others have assumed that because he is delayed physically that must mean he is slow mentally as well.  Then there have been the countless comments that "all kids do things in their own time, or when they feel like it."  All well meant, of course, but really, you think Christian just doesn't feel like walking?   All of these things have hurt, but today was the first time I have ever felt like he was treated differently than other kids, simply because he requires more.

This incident happened early in the day, and it rocked me to my core.  I was so upset that I was physically shaking for the next several hours.  All I wanted to do was snuggle with Christian, and somehow transmit the love I felt for him into his soul.  Instead I spent the day in an all out battle with him.

Today Christian pulled my hair, hit, bit, and yelled at me.  He spent way too much time in time-out, and I spent way too much time on the verge of tears.  I was so shaken by the incident of the morning, that I was ill equipped to manage a furious and frustrated toddler who can't toddle.  It was all too much, and I just wanted to crawl back into bed and hide.  Unfortunately, moms don't get to hide, and I had to stumble through the day.  Luckily, Nick eventually got home, and I got the support I needed to feel somewhat sane again.  By the time the kids were in the bath tub, we were all smiles, and happy again.  But as I thought back over the day I'd had, which seemed at least thirty six hours long, I felt the sadness welling up again.

I think today was so hard, because I know it is just the beginning of a long struggle.  For the most part, people don't mean to be cruel, but they can be.  I don't want to think of what Christian will face in the coming years.  And I know I shouldn't focus on that, so I swallowed the tears back down, and turned to my soapy children.  I got their attention and looked them both in the eyes in turn.  I said "I have to tell you something very important and I need you to listen."  Amazingly they both looked at me with serious faces.  "I want you to know how much I love you, and that no matter what anyone ever tells you, you are smart, amazing, and beautiful.  And I am so proud of you."  Tessie smiled and went back to playing, taking those words for granted as fact, but Christian kept my gaze and his serious expression.  "I know." he said, and I felt he must have sensed something deeper in my words.  He is an incredible child, no matter how crazy he makes me.  I know he will do amazing things, and he will do it with the beauty that belongs to only him, and no one's words will ever take that away from him.