An Unnatural Mother

We have all heard the term "natural mother."  Before I had children I always thought I would be a natural mother.  I guess what I thought that meant was this; I thought motherhood would come easily to me.  Not that it would be easy, just that I would be good at it.  I pictured myself as an easygoing, graceful under fire, stern yet loving mother, who parented with kindness and encouragement.  I thought I would know what to do.  Well I don't.  Not at all.  Not even close.  I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.  Ever.  I am totally making this up as I go. 

I am having a particularly hard time with Christian lately.  Everything that I thought I knew about parenting him no longer works, and I am at a loss for what to do next.  I'm struggling.  Every night is a battle to get him to sleep.  My once easy sleeper is waking up at all hours of the night, and screaming at me with a stubbornness I can't compete with.  For hours.  I feel myself filled with a horrible rage, juxtaposed with incredible guilt, while holding the screaming monster.  I consider it a miracle that I haven't murdered him.  Our days our filled with more struggle than happy moments, and the unbalance is taking it's toll on me.  I am unraveling.  Quickly. 

Today I broke down and cried in Nick's arms, questioning everything.  Feeling like a terrible mother, like nothing could be more unnatural for me.  Nick just hugged me, and brushed aside my worries, telling me I was doing great.  I usually believe him.  But not today.  Today I needed a break.  But unfortunately, Nick had a meeting, so I was on my own.  I cooked dinner and bathed the kids, dreading bed time.  My kids surprised me.  We sailed through our bed time routine, and they snuggled up on the couch together, and sweetly waited for me to sit down and read to them.  We snuggled during books, then I tucked them into bed, told a story, and sang a song.  I kissed them both goodnight, and with no protests, I closed the door.  They must have sensed my proximity to the edge of sanity.

So here's what I have learned today.  I still know nothing.  Well, maybe just one thing.  Being a parent is hard, harder than anything.  Yes, it's rewarding and wonderful too, blah, blah, blah, but not always.  The only predictable thing about parenting is that it is unpredictable.  I am still bracing for a horrible night, but maybe I will be surprised.  Wouldn't that be beautiful?