Haunted by the Past

My Princess

Today I was haunted by the past.  A very specific past.  Two years ago today I was all dressed up and headed out the door with Tes to attend one of her friend’s birthday parties.  I was 27 weeks, 4 days pregnant with a boy we had yet to choose a name for.  As we were leaving I made one last trip to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding, never a good thing during a pregnancy.  I rushed over to the shop to tell Nick and we called the hospital.  I had already been on the phone with Labor and Delivery the night before because I had been having a lot of contractions and had lost my mucus plug (for those of you who don’t know what that is I am going to leave you in the dark for your own good.)  We dropped Tes off with Nick’s mom and arrived at the hospital about noon. 

Chili never looked so good!

After monitoring my contractions my doctor decided to keep me over night and medicate me to try and slow down the contractions and keep me from going into labor.  He asked me if I had experienced any sharp pains in my abdomen and I said yes, early that morning.  I did not know then that this could indicate a placental abruption.  I was admitted into Labor and Delivery for the night and Nick went to let his mom know what was happening.  Tessie would have to spend a night without us for the first time.  As the day went on Nick and I tried to stay calm even though I didn’t see how I could spend the  remaining three months of my pregnancy on bed rest with a toddler running around.  At that point this was the worst thing I could imagine.

As day turned to night we began to worry.  The medication had worn off and my contractions were more intense and closer together.  We were being told to remain calm and that everything was fine.  Everything was not fine, and we were very quickly beginning to think scary thoughts.  Bad turned to worse and it was obvious to us, although not to the nurses, that we were having a baby.  I will skip the blood and guts and move right to Christian being born at 5:26 the next morning by emergency Cesarian.  He was resuscitated and flown to Albuquerque to live in the NICU for the next six weeks.

Bath time

These are the thoughts that were running through my head all day.  I teared up about every 15 minutes.  Luckily, my children must have sensed my fragility because they were amazing all day.  Christian had a constant smile, Tes was a perfect princess, in several tutus of course.  When Nick got home for dinner I mentioned my thoughts and he reminded me not to go there.  Just then Christian laughed and I looked at him, covered in food and absolutely perfect.  I knew Nick was right.  The beginning of Christian’s story is traumatic and scary.  But the rest of the story is great. 

Tomorrow Christian turns two.  It has been quite a journey.  Sometimes I find it hard not to focus on the past.  I still have a lot of anger and what-ifs floating around in my head.  But when I look at my son, really look at him, all of that disappears.  The past may be scary and it may haunt me but the right-now is beautiful.

Story time