Silence

Silence is an interesting thing.  It can feel empty, or incredibly full.  We describe silences as heavy, ominous, deafening and peaceful.  Some people crave silence and others avoid it to all ends.  I have spent very little time with silence over the last 3 1/2 years.  My home is usually filled with laughter, tears, cartoons and “eye-spy.”  I have given little thought to silence and what it means to me. 

Today was one of the very few times since becoming a mother that I was alone.  My children were in school and I was at home, by myself, for two hours.  Since Tessie was born I have spent hardly any time at all away from my kids.  In fact, there have only been three occasions that it was on purpose.  Once was a night I spent in Albuquerque while Tessie was home with Nick (although I did technically have Christian with me, I was pregnant at the time.)  The second was a night both kids spent with their Nana (during which I spent a good amount of time in tears.)  And the third was a recent trip I took to Chicago to visit a dear friend.  I left the kids at home with their dad.  There were a handful of times when Christian was in the hospital for his first 6 weeks that I stayed in Albuquerque alone and Nick brought Tessie up to Taos but I don’t like to count those times since they were out of circumstance, not choice. During all of these occasions although I was not with my children, I was not alone.  Today I was, and I experienced silence.

I have always been an avoider of silence, I put on a CD or play the piano.  I call someone to chat or watch a movie.  In recent years even my silent times are filled with the heavy breathing of sleeping babies and the hurried sounds of me cleaning every surface I can before they wake up. 

Today I gave myself some time to let the silence in.  I welcomed the quiet and sat, doing nothing for a while.  I found myself listening for my children and smiled.  I listened instead to my own breathing, the beating of my own heart.  I slowed down.  I gave myself ten minutes to just sink wholly into silence.  When my tens minutes were up I stood, put on a CD and got to work cleaning and taking advantage of my time without children.  But I noticed a calm that was not there before.  I am glad I let myself get to know silence.  It was beautiful.