My Beautiful Daughter

Tessie and I the day after she was born.

About four years ago Nick and I decided we were ready to start trying for a family.  We had been together for almost six years and married for just over three.  We had traveled to Hawaii, Argentina and Italy together, opened a business and bought a home.  We figured the timing couldn’t get much better.  Much to our surprise there wasn’t much trying involved and before we knew it we were expecting.  As my belly grew so did my connection to the little girl inside.  By the time Taylor Elizabeth, or Tessie as we would all come to call her, was born I felt we already knew each other better than any two people could. 

Tessie was the perfect baby, I mean actually perfect.  She barely cried, nursed like a dream, and slept even better.  I spent long afternoons just staring at her while she slept, falling more in love with every breath she took.  Tes went to work with me at the fly shop and charmed customers with her winning smile.  She went from easy baby to easy toddler, and when we found out we were expecting a second we thought it should go pretty much the same the second time around.

A recent trip to the mountains.

Our blissful little existence was interrupted when Christian came unexpectedly three months early.  Our family packed up and moved to Albuquerque to live with my parents while Christian was in the NICU for six weeks.  Tessie was almost eighteen months and immediately had to be a big girl, spending a lot of time away from Nick and I while we were in the hospital with her very little brother.  She amazed us by handling the transition without even a bump in the road.  Living with Tutu and Papa was fun and an adventure for Tes.  When she came to visit her brother we were worried she might be scared or pick up on the emotional turmoil but she acted as if there was nothing out of place.  I will never forget her walking all by herself through the hospital all the way up to his isolette (his little bed unit) and announcing “Hi there brother!” When we brought Christian home to Taos there was no jealousy or rivalry, she loved him and was gentle and careful without needing to be reminded.

We sailed into age two and my little girl remained the easy going piece of cake she had always been, which was fortunate because her brother was more than making up for it.  I felt blessed and lucky that I was given such a little angel.  Then Tessie turned three.

All of a sudden my angel was hitting, yelling, stomping, whining, and being all around rotten.  I found myself becoming so angry and worked up over the smallest of things she would do and almost anything started a fight.  Tessie became an expert at pushing my buttons and winding me up.  Time outs became so common in our house it was amazing they still worked.  I ended many evenings with a knot of guilt in my stomach, wanting to run back into Tessie’s room and hug her until I was absolutely sure she knew how much I loved her. 

In the last few months I have made my relationship with Tessie one of the top priorities on my life list.  This blog is one of the many tools I have to remind myself to calm down, look at the big picture, and be happy for the good instead of always focusing on the bad.  Tes and I have had less confrontations, more sweet moments, and I generally want to strangle her a lot less.  I’m sure part of this is due to her getting a better handle on her new big girl emotions, but I think it is also that I remembered that being a Mom is my first and most important job, and above all my favorite job.

Tessie napping in my bed today.

Today we had a great day.  We had a few moments this morning of boundary testing but I know that will never end.  We had several talks today about telling the truth and being considerate of others.  I have to remind myself sometimes that Tes is only three and a half because she can be so insightful and wise.  She was reading a note today (mind you she was making up what it said) and she said “My mom is the best mom in the whole world and we love her so much because she loves us so much.”  I stopped what I was doing and just held her.  Just now I snuck upstairs to peek at her sleeping in my bed.  She was so peaceful and beautiful it’s hard to imagine why I ever get mad at her.  I watched her sleeping just like I did when she was a tiny baby and, once again, fell even more in love.  I know the years ahead raising her will be challenging but I also know there will be many more times like the ones I had with her today.  And I know that I am lucky to have such a beautiful daughter, in every sense of the word.