So, as was bound to happen at some point, I am finding it very hard to find something to write about this evening. Something beautiful, that is. My day consisted mostly of being screamed at by my children, while I fought every urge not to scream back.
The day started off alright, it was around mid morning that it went awry. Although some days Christian has transitioned to a single nap, it became apparent pretty quickly that he was going to need a morning nap, so I picked him up to carry him to bed. He hated the idea and started yelling at me immediately. While carrying him, crying, out of Tessie’s room, I asked her to please put away her dress up clothes while I was putting Christian down. Instead of falling asleep, he just screamed bloody murder until, questioning my nap radar, I went in to get him. I put on a movie and set him on the couch, then went in to check on Tes. She was building a house of duplo-legos and hadn’t put away a single dress up item. I reminded her that she had to put away the last thing she played with before moving on to a new toy, and went back to check on Bubs. He was sound asleep on the couch, approximately two minutes into The Lion King. I carried him to his room, and went back to Tessie’s room.
She hadn’t moved from her spot on the floor, surrounded by blocks. I asked her again to please put her dress up clothes back in the bucket. This is about the moment I can pin point my downward spiral starting. I said if she couldn’t be a big girl and put her things away, then she didn’t deserve nice new things, and threatened to take away her brand new Snow White dress. Tessie didn’t even look up. “I’m just busy right now.” she stated. I took her dress into the other room and came back to find plan A hadn’t worked at all. She was still playing with the blocks, the dress up stuff was still spread all over the room.
At this point I think I still could have just walked away, but I stuck to my guns, and boy do I regret it. What followed was a long drawn out series of threats to take away things, followed by those things getting taken away, followed by Tessie finally saying she didn’t want any of her toys and I could just take them all away. Well that’s one way to get out of cleaning your room. I said, through very clenched teeth, that it didn’t matter if I took everything away, she would still have to pick it up first. She got a time out, to which she replied she had to go potty. So her time out moved to the bathroom. During this time Christian had woken up, been put in his high chair for lunch, and then started yelling at me too. So while Tes was on her potty time out, Christian went to time out as well.
I stood in the kitchen and tried to calm down, while also coming up with a plan to dig myself out of this giant pit I was in. Christian stopped yelling, and as he usually does when in time out, he had calmed down and was smiling when I went in his room. I got Tes out of time out and the three of us went to her room to pick up. She put all the legos, dolls, and dress up stuff away. I thought it had all turned around.
I have been thinking of turning her old changing table into a dress up wardrobe for some time now, and tonight I decided to do it while the kids were watching a movie. Tessie kept trying to peek in to see what I was doing and when I finished she was in awe. “I love it!” she exclaimed, and I thought maybe we had recovered from the huge fiasco earlier in the day. I explained to Tes that the rule was that she always had to put her dress-up things back in the wardrobe when she was done and she agreed.
During dinner the kids both looked tired and Christian was headed for a full on melt down. So I bribed them to be good for a few more minutes with ice cream, and ran upstairs to start the bath. As soon as Christian finished his he started screaming and continued to scream while I stripped him down to get in the tub. I asked Tes to go put away the dress and tutu she was wearing and then come upstairs. This is usually not a large task for her, but tonight it turned into a power struggle, yet again. She dropped the skirt on the floor and said she wanted me to put it away, I said she had to or she was going straight to bed. As you can imagine, my patience was non existent at this point and I was making stupid, outlandish threats, that in no way matched the task I was trying to elicit. Finally after leaving to get a pull-up to put her straight to bed, Tes ran crying over to the skirt on the ground and shoved it in the basket it belonged in, then begged me to put her in the bath. Wow, I felt super victorious, oh right, and like a terrible mother and human being.
I got the silent treatment through bath and pajamas. Finally, while carrying her to bed, Tessie hugged me really tight and whispered “I love you.” It just made me feel worse and I clung to her like a life raft. I told her a story, sang her a song, and kissed her goodnight. Then, while wiping away the tears streaming down my face, I walked into my living room, feeling defeated.
Although there were a few good moments during the day, I couldn’t bring myself to write about them because they felt cheap after I had spent the majority of the day in battle with my children. Tonight I feel like super-mom’s evil twin sister. But after writing this I have discovered that this is my moment of beauty. No, not sitting on the couch with a glass of wine thanking the heavens the little monsters are finally asleep. My moment of beauty is realizing I did everything wrong today, but tomorrow I will have the opportunity to do it all right. Parenting is hard, bottom line. Days like today make me feel like I am failing miserably, but I know that’s not true. Well not totally. I have amazing children, and I love them more than I ever thought possible. So if you will all forgive my purge, I will strive again for beauty tomorrow, and the day after that, knowing that the search will never truly end.
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