Haunted by the Past

My Princess

Today I was haunted by the past.  A very specific past.  Two years ago today I was all dressed up and headed out the door with Tes to attend one of her friend’s birthday parties.  I was 27 weeks, 4 days pregnant with a boy we had yet to choose a name for.  As we were leaving I made one last trip to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding, never a good thing during a pregnancy.  I rushed over to the shop to tell Nick and we called the hospital.  I had already been on the phone with Labor and Delivery the night before because I had been having a lot of contractions and had lost my mucus plug (for those of you who don’t know what that is I am going to leave you in the dark for your own good.)  We dropped Tes off with Nick’s mom and arrived at the hospital about noon. 

Chili never looked so good!

After monitoring my contractions my doctor decided to keep me over night and medicate me to try and slow down the contractions and keep me from going into labor.  He asked me if I had experienced any sharp pains in my abdomen and I said yes, early that morning.  I did not know then that this could indicate a placental abruption.  I was admitted into Labor and Delivery for the night and Nick went to let his mom know what was happening.  Tessie would have to spend a night without us for the first time.  As the day went on Nick and I tried to stay calm even though I didn’t see how I could spend the  remaining three months of my pregnancy on bed rest with a toddler running around.  At that point this was the worst thing I could imagine.

As day turned to night we began to worry.  The medication had worn off and my contractions were more intense and closer together.  We were being told to remain calm and that everything was fine.  Everything was not fine, and we were very quickly beginning to think scary thoughts.  Bad turned to worse and it was obvious to us, although not to the nurses, that we were having a baby.  I will skip the blood and guts and move right to Christian being born at 5:26 the next morning by emergency Cesarian.  He was resuscitated and flown to Albuquerque to live in the NICU for the next six weeks.

Bath time

These are the thoughts that were running through my head all day.  I teared up about every 15 minutes.  Luckily, my children must have sensed my fragility because they were amazing all day.  Christian had a constant smile, Tes was a perfect princess, in several tutus of course.  When Nick got home for dinner I mentioned my thoughts and he reminded me not to go there.  Just then Christian laughed and I looked at him, covered in food and absolutely perfect.  I knew Nick was right.  The beginning of Christian’s story is traumatic and scary.  But the rest of the story is great. 

Tomorrow Christian turns two.  It has been quite a journey.  Sometimes I find it hard not to focus on the past.  I still have a lot of anger and what-ifs floating around in my head.  But when I look at my son, really look at him, all of that disappears.  The past may be scary and it may haunt me but the right-now is beautiful.

Story time

The Giggles

Today was a pretty average day in our household.  There were moments of greatness; the kids and I made “stained glass” ornaments out of wax paper and crayons and they had a blast.  There were moments of pain, Christian waking up at five-to-six, Tes playing the “I’m gonna stand in front of you no matter what you try to do” game while I was trying to clean, the usual hair pulling frustration of motherhood.  However, I still had a handful of moments I was considering writing about this evening until the perfect moment came and blew them all away.

Our nighttime routine consists of bath, pajamas and brushing teeth, which I take care of.  Then the kids read books with Nick while I gather up their bedtime stuffed animals and tidy up.  Tonight I joined Nick and the kids for story time.  All four of us snuggled up in Christian’s room on his mattress and Nick read to us.  In the middle of the first book Tessie blurted out the word “juicy” and for no apparent reason we all collapsed into giggles. 

I laughed until my cheeks hurt and I couldn’t see.  Tes and Christian laughed until no sound came out.  Nick looked at us like we were crazy, but the good kind of crazy that makes you fall in love.  We finally settled down and Nick finished the books.  I tucked my babies into bed with kisses and hugs and I love yous.  My moment of pure happiness and hysteria with my family was perfectly beautiful and just what I needed.

My giggly kids, earlier in the day

Watermelon Face

Today's moment is simple. The kids and I went to a baby shower today. It was a beautiful day, and the kids were excited to go to a party. Tessie immediately befriended another little girl at the party and ran off to play in the grass. I got Christian a heaping pile of fruit and we sat down in the shade.

Christian attacked his plate with gusto. He devoured the grapes, cantaloupe and watermelon in a matter of minutes. After each bite he let out a satisfied "mmmmmm."  His favorite was the watermelon. He ate it as far down the rind as possible, letting the juice run down his chin. When he finished it was hard to tell if he had actually ingested a thing, there was so much fruit on him. His happy little watermelon face was wet, sticky and absolutely beautiful.

My Son, the Artist

It amazes me how different my children are.  Tes is such a girl and Christian is such a boy.  Aside from that they also have completely different senses of humor, sleep patterns, and views of the world around them.  However, there are ways in which they are very similar.  One of their biggest areas of common interest is art.  They both love to create, whether by painting, coloring, or drawing.  I have piles and plies of artwork that Tessie has created from a  very early age on.  I don’t have nearly as much collected yet for Christian and the reason is simple.  He hasn’t been able to control his body enough to really make art. 

There are two things making it hard for Christian to work on art projects.  The first is his low tone in his trunk, meaning he can’t sit up unsupported.  The second is his fine motor delay, meaning he has a hard time holding small objects like crayons or markers.  We have had success with finger-painting, although Christian was very curious about how the paint tasted and I eventually had to take a time out from the medium.  What Christian really wants to play with are crayons.  He is always asking for crayons and wanting to draw.  After finally growing out of the constantly-eating-crayons stage we have been trying to color more often.  Usually he will grip the crayon with his whole fist and mimic the back and forth motion his sister makes, but this just results in his knuckles brushing the paper and little or no crayon marks appearing.  This leads to him getting frustrated and mad.

Today he really wanted to color and so I set him up with a big sheet of paper and a selection of crayons.  I watched as he picked up the crayon in a much more sophisticated grasp, sat up tall and made a big dark line across the paper.  He was delighted, as was I, at this new-found skill.  He proceeded to change colors, techniques and created a wonderful work of art.  Christian was so pleased with himself and giggled with joy when I hung his artwork up in his bedroom.  I love art, I cry in art museums.  And of all the art I have seen, my son’s creation this morning was the most beautiful by far.

All Things Garden

Holding her first worm.

I grew up with my mom constantly trying to instill a love of all things “garden” in me.  I am sure it is because of this that I have absolutely no problem with getting my hands in the dirt.  I can pull anything, deal with any bug, and it doesn’t phase me.  I have been a little concerned that my daughter, the princess, might have a more difficult time than I. 

Today I was taking the opportunity given by recent rains to pull weeds out of soft soil.  Tessie was very interested in what I was doing and hovered at my shoulder the entire time.  As I pulled a clump of grass from our flagstone walkway a worm wriggled out of the roots and fell into the dirt.  I quickly called Tes over to see it, not sure what her reaction would be. 

Tessie examined the worm, and to my heart’s delight,

Feeding the worm leaves.

promptly asked me if she could hold it.  I placed it in her hand, warning her to be gentle, and watched as she observed this new creature.  After a while she decided he was hungry and tried to feed him a leaf, completely ignoring my comments that worms don’t really eat willow leaves.  She placed him carefully back in the dirt and said goodbye, explaining to me that he was going back to his home. 

We found several more worms and one rolly-polly.  Tessie held each of them, talking to them the whole time.  I was delighted that my little girl, who doesn’t leave the house without a proper princess dress, was perfectly happy with a slimy worm crawling around in her palm.  Her interaction with the “garden world” was beautiful and, I hope, not a one time occurrence.

Neighborly Kindness

My moment today is centered on the kindness of others.  People show each other kindnesses every day and, no matter how small, these should not be overlooked as true moments of beauty.  I try to teach my children kindness by example and today I was shown a wonderful example that I would like to share with you.

For the last two days my family and I have been out of town.  Our neighbors were kind enough to look after our house, our dog and our chickens.  I must say that we really lucked out when it comes to the family next door.  We are quickly becoming great friends as are our children, a combination that I find rare and should be highly coveted.  I had complete trust leaving my home in their good keeping and was able to enjoy my time away without worry.

Before we left I showed my neighbor the newly constructed chicken run.  Because I had built it rather hastily there were still a few, rather lopsided, things to work out but I planned on taking care of it upon my return.  This evening, after getting home and settled, I went out to check on my chickens.  I couldn’t help but notice that the gate seemed to close a lot better than when I had left.  After a closer inspection I saw that the frame had been straightened and the whole gate now hung flush within it.  I was immediately overcome with gratitude and awe at this amazing act of kindness.  Not only did our neighbors take care of our pets and home, they fixed my coop, made it safer and didn’t even bring attention to the act! 

This evening, when I called to thank her, my neighbor just brushed it off as not a big deal, no problem, just a small task.  I tried to convey to her how touched I was.  It is no small thing to take it upon yourself to help out a neighbor just out of the kindness of your heart.  I was, and am, filled with appreciation.  I consider myself lucky for many reasons, having thoughtful and kind neighbors is definitely one of them and is my something beautiful today.

Real Magic

Amazement

Two years ago our little family of three was getting ready to take a big trip to Denver to see the children’s mega-group The Wiggles.  Tessie was a year and a half and I was nearing my third trimester in my pregnancy with Christian.  We were so excited as the date drew nearer and then, four days before the concert our world fell apart.  Christian was born two days shy of his third trimester and needless to say, our plans to see the Wiggles were forgotten. 

So here we are, two years later, and once again we were getting ready for a Wiggles concert.  Nick and I may have been more excited than both kids, I will admit it.  We headed back into the city this evening with the kids to see the concert, Christian chanting “Wiggles, Wiggles!” in the back seat.  Tessie was talking about how excited she was to see the show and both kids were mentioning their favorite
songs.  We were quite sure they thought they were going to a movie.  Nick and I had been tickled for days, anticipating the surprise the kids were in for when
they saw the real Wiggles walk out on stage in front of them.

Dancing with Daddy

As we walked into the venue Tessie was practically vibrating with excitement as we handed over our tickets.  We made our way to our seats and got comfortable.  There was a big screen playing some Wiggles videos before the show.  Both kids got super excited and I think they thought this was it, a Wiggles movie. 

Suddenly the lights dimmed and people started to cheer.  Tessie looked confused and Christian appeared quite worried.  As the Wiggles walked on stage I watched my children’s eyes grow bigger and bigger with surprise and then smiles stretch across their faces.  They were exposed to real magic today.  Christian was rapt the entire show, dancing on my lap and singing along to all the songs.  Every once in a while he turned back to me and said “Wiggles mom!”  Tessie tuckered out about half way through but every once in a while got pulled back in when a familiar song was played.

Showing off her poster

Exhausted and ready for bed.

I couldn’t help thinking about where we were two years ago.  This boy dancing on my lap was close to not being with us at all.  To see him tonight, filled with wonder and joy, I was caught up in the fever of the moment.  I smiled all night long.  As the show came to a close I held Christian up and he waved at the stage and called out, “Bye-bye Wiggles.”  I held him close, grabbed Tessie’s hand and felt completely surrounded by beauty.

Under a Stormy Sky

The passing storm.

Today's moment of beauty was a no-brainer, but it was preceded by a lot of craziness. Let me start at the start. This morning I dropped the kids off at school then headed home to pack for our big trip to Albuquerque.  Nick and I were going to a concert, alone, and the kids would be with my parents.

Once I had the car loaded and Nick got home we rushed off to get the kids and headed south.  Pick up went smoothly and the kids fell asleep before to long, as did Nick, and we were on our way. Shortly before arriving at my parents house the trouble began. Tessie awoke to throw a giant fit and nothing we said could end the tears. We pulled into my parents drive with white knuckles. After getting the kids settled in we headed into the city for our big night out. Not long after merging onto the freeway we were caught in a torrential downpour. Luckily, Nick was at the wheel and I could just watch through one squinted eye. After almost being rear-ended, I'm talking sliding cars, we made it off the freeway. The rain was coming down so hard that the roads were rivers and we could barely find our hotel. We finally made it, checked in and headed upstairs to our room. What happened next? The elevator shorted out. We got stuck, really stuck, in an elevator.  For ten minutes we sat in the elevator with a girl from Gallup, New Mexico, while we waited for help to come. Oh, and the fan was broken.

Happily awaiting the show.

The stage.

They finally got the door open and we headed up to our room. Because of the storm, the shuttle we had been promised to the concert was running an hour behind. We decided to drive and made it to the venue without incident. We headed in to have a romantic dinner at the fancy casino restaurant only to discover there was a thirty minute wait. With only thirty minutes until the concert we didn't want to chance it do we headed to the buffet. After a slightly leas fancy, but yummy and filling dinner none-the-less, we headed out to the amphitheater.

While waiting for Big Head Todd to come on stage I looked at Nick and around at the beautiful post-storm New Mexico sky.  Although every child that walked by, hand-in-hand with their mom or dad, tugged at my heart a little, I was happy to be out with Nick, just the two of us.  After a chaotic day, to say the least, here I was with my husband, about to watch one of our favorite bands. And it wasn't hard to see the beauty at all.

Dirt Under My Nails

Tessie and our new chicks.

Three months ago Tessie, Christian and I picked out four baby chicks from a local feed store.  We were very excited, although a bit unprepared.  We brought them home and set up a little temporary home for them on the dining room table in a box.  I should mention about now that my husband was, so far, unaware of this new addition to the family and as the hour of his arrival drew closer I found myself getting a little worried that I made this decision a bit hastily.  Nick and I are always on the same page.  We make sure that the other is aware of and okay with any big decision we make.  Poultry in our dining room was a pretty big decision. 

Luckily Nick handled the surprise gracefully.  “Don’t worry honey, I will take care of everything.  You won’t have to do anything but eat eggs!” I promised him.  I had every
intention of keeping my promise and I think Nick knew that too, but I tend to bite off more than I can chew.  So
inevitably my wonderful husband helped me build their coop and finished it for me for Mother’s Day.  But still my poor chickens lived inside the house in a cardboard box for two months.  I finally started putting them in the coop at night but they spent their days in a small portable pen because we had still not built them a run.  Today I decided to take care of it myself.

Laying out the frame.

I was very fortunate that my neighbors had a ton of scrap wood and chicken wire that they let me pick through, so my supplies were mostly taken care of.  The kids were in school for a full day today, so apart from a dentist appointment in the middle of the day, I would have the whole day to build the run.  Last night I told Nick I would have the run done when he got home and he gave me an “okay honey” smile. 

  I worked all morning making cuts with our chop-saw and digging the trench to bury the wire.  I showered, went to my dentist appointment, and then got back to my project.  As I
started back to work the skies darkened and thunder rumbled.  Drops started falling and I kept at it.  It rained for nearly an hour but eventually the skies cleared and covered in dirt and sweat I raised the last side of the run. 


I raced to pick up the kids, later than I ever have before, and raced back home to cook dinner.  When Nick got home I showed off my work, proud as can be.  I could tell he was surprised with what I had done all on my own.  I still have to put the top on and finish tacking down some wire tomorrow, but I feel like I have a huge accomplishment under my belt.

Half-way there.

Constructing a chicken run might not seem like the greatest of feats.  It is only twelve by four feet, but it represents more to me.  When I put my chickens in their run this evening I stood and watched them for a long time.  My muscles ached and I had dirt under my nails, in my hair, everywhere.  Watching the hens scratching in the dirt and exploring their new environment I was truly content.  Hard work is so worthwhile, and to see the finished product is so rewarding.  Today my moment of beauty was standing there, aching and exhausted, surveying my work.  I’m still smiling.

My hens in their new run.

Everyone Loves a Parade

It's too loud!

Christian watching the girls hug.

Look what I got!

As a child, parades were one of my absolute favorite things.  In the small town where I grew up, parades were a really big deal.  They seemed so magical and special to me then, and the feeling has stayed with me my whole life. 

Today was the annual Fiestas de Taos parade here in Taos.  For almost the last ten years we have been watching the parade from the front porch of our shop.  It used to be that it was all there was to do because the road is closed and the parade goes right past our shop.  But as the years have passed and babies have showed up it has turned into a fun tradition.  Today we had a lot of friends, family and tons of kids lined up along the front of the shop to watch.

I don’t know how much of the parade I actually saw today because I was basically staring at the kids the whole time.  As soon as the sound of sirens drifted down the road the kids all straightened up in their little chairs and craned their necks to see the police cars that signaled the start of the parade.  My friend’s two year old son shouted “It coming!” 

In the last couple of years Tes hasn’t been that into the parade, I think she was more excited about the party.  Last year was Christian’s first parade and I think I mostly kept him inside.  This year they were both really into it.  Christian sat in a little camp chair and watched with a very serious look the whole time, only getting really animated when the fire trucks drove past, and Tessie ran around with her her girlfriends, collecting candy and waving to the Fiesta Princesses. 

It was so fun to visit with friends and watch our children enthralled with the festivity of a parade.  Watching Tessie’s eyes sparkling with joy and the laughter just bubbling out of her I couldn’t help but feel like I was in the presence of true beauty.

A Small Moment of Wonder

I had a lot of beautiful moments today to choose from and had a hard time deciding what to write about.  Between Tes taking a mud bath while I was watering the yard, the kids telling secrets in the bath tub and Nick and Christian laying in bed playing a toy horn together, I was overflowing with beauty.  However, I must say that my absolute favorite moment of the day happened at the end of a baby shower.

Today I threw a shower in my home for a very dear friend, Leilani, who is due in early september.  Although I started the day stressed as I raced to finish cleaning my house and setting up the tables and chairs outside, once the guests arrived I fell into party mode and had a great time.  Tessie, of course, had a blast at the party.  She made four costume changes and twirled around the guests.  Bed time was late last night and so I was concerned that her behavior wouldn’t hold up, but she was a perfect little lady.  She was a great hostess to the other little girls at the party and had exquisite manners all day. 

As everyone started to trickle home, Tessie, Christian, the few remaining guests and I wandered down to the river to dip in our toes.  I loved watching Leilani, whom I met long before children, swing Tes through the water, her own growing baby anchoring her midstream.  We came back inside and said goodbye to the last of the guests and I got to spend some quality time with my friend. 

Christian was happily sitting on the couch having a snack but Tessie wanted to be part of our conversation.  She danced in front of us and talked about princesses and fairies.  Then the baby, who had been shy all day, started to make some big moves.  I called Tes over and watched her cautiously set her hand on her “Auntie Lani’s” belly.  Her eyes grew big and she looked at me.  “Did you feel the baby?”  She nodded and smiled.  Then the moment of wonder was over and she was back to dancing around the living room.

This small moment of quiet amazement as I watched my daughter marveling at a new life was magical.  She made a connection with that baby that was beyond what anyone else could understand at that moment.  Tonight as we were headed to the bath I asked her what she thought about feeling the baby.  “It was so cool!  I think the baby was dancing.”  I smiled.  How beautiful.

My Morning Snuggle

About six months ago we took Christian’s crib out of his room and replaced it with a queen mattress that we use as an impromptu guest bed.  The thinking was that it would encourage Christian to start moving more, ideally rolling over.  It has worked to a point.  He is still not rolling over on his own but when I go get him in the morning he is often facing the opposite direction of that which he was put to bed.  The only time this little project comes back to bite us is when he sleeps on a regular toddler mattress.  When we have company, his bed, still being our guest bed, is commandeered by said visitor and Christian and Tessie have a sleep-over in her room.  Since Christian is used to having a lot more room to move around he often wanders off the toddler mattress we place on the floor.  My mom is up visiting and so last night the kids had one of these sleepovers.   

As I have previously mentioned, the slightest noise made by my children will wake me from the deepest sleep.  This morning I sat straight up in bed and was halfway down the stairs before I even realized I had heard Christian.  I paused outside Tessie’s door and again heard Christian quietly cry for Mommy.  I glanced at the clock before opening the door and saw the time.  5:26 am.  Seriously?  Sighing, I made my way in quietly so as not to wake Tes and then saw poor Christian.  Only his head was still on the mattress and he had pushed all the pillows that had surrounded the mattress so that he was basically lying on the bare tile floor.  I quickly scooped him up and took him out to the living room.

Despite the fact that I was mortified that my poor baby had been sleeping on the floor, I was exhausted and desperately wanted him to fall back asleep.  I headed straight for the rocker and after wrapping him in a cozy blanket we rocked together.  Christian was quiet, but wide awake for some time, looking around and then up at me.  Finally, his eyes started to get heavy and I saw my chance for another hour of sleep approaching.  This is where it got good.

As Christian’s breathing slowed, and his body melted in to mine, I leaned my head back on the rocker and closed my eyes.  His little body was a wonderful, familiar weight on my chest, his hand softly touching my neck and his cheek, wet with drool, pressed against my shoulder.  I soaked it up and relished it.  I don’t have many moments of pure snuggle with my little guy any more.  Even though he can’t get there himself, he is always wanting to be on the go.  I know that my moments like this are numbered and so I held him tight and breathed him in.  Just as I opened my eyes to sneak a peek at my gorgeous boy, he giggled in his sleep and grinned a sleepy, dreaming smile.  I melted.

I never did get back to sleep this morning.  I tried to lay down on the couch with Christian but he woke up asking for milk and a movie.  Although I hadn’t had any coffee and normally I would have been a big sour puss, I just smiled at him and fulfilled all his wishes.  He will be grown up in a flash and I will miss these precious moments.  This morning at the crack of dawn I got to hold my son, peaceful and happy in my arms.  No matter what else followed in my day, I started it with a moment of true beauty.

Water Sprites

Tonight while dinner was in the oven I took a walk around our yard and returned to the backyard to find that Tessie had had an accident.  Oh joy.  I stripped her down in the grass and was about to go get her some clean clothes when her Daddy suggested a dip in the river.  She, of course, thought this was a great idea.  After I had cleaned up I walked out to find Tes sitting naked in the river, delighted. 

Tonight was the kind of evening that just glows.  That perfect kind of light that makes everything softer.  The river sparkled, the grass was golden and Tessie looked like a water sprite, magical as could be.

She was having so much fun that I had to go get Christian, who was inside watching a movie.  As soon as I asked if he wanted to go to the river he was grinning from ear to ear.  I stripped him down and handed him off to Nick.  Christian wasn’t nearly as excited about a full submersion as his sister but he had fun dangling his toes in and getting a quick dip every now and again. 

As the soft light faded I noticed that Tessie’s lips were starting to get a bit blue and so suggested we go dry off and have dinner.  This went over like a lead balloon but we finally managed the team effort of getting the kids dried of and dressed.  We ate dinner outside under the trees and the magic lasted a little longer. 

As all good things do, the moment ended and tears were again shed as we prepared for bedtime.  I clung to the image of my happy children in the river as I wrestled a red faced, crying Christian into his pajamas and had to send Tes to bed with no books for not listening.  Once they were in bed I wandered back outside in the fading evening light and looked at the river again and felt so blessed that I live in such an amazing place, where my little water sprites can take a dip anytime, and the presence of magic isn’t hard to believe in.  I could still picture my bare babes splashing in the creek and, to me, nothing is more beautiful.

A Beautiful Morning

Most mornings I wake up to the sounds of Christian talking happily to himself through the baby monitor next to my bed.  It would be extremely cute if it weren't for the fact that this is usually at 6am.  I roll slowly out of bed and head downstairs to Christian’s room.  After a short snuggle in bed with him we go out to the living room, I get him a cup of milk and some crackers and turn on some cartoons.  After he is all settled in I finally get myself a cup of coffee and sit down next to him for a few minutes.  Tes is a late sleeper and, if I let her, will sleep until 8:00 or even 9:00.  Usually, however, we have things to do and I will try to get her up around 7:00 or 7:30.

None of this may seem as painful to you as it is to me but I used to treasure sleep.  I loved sleeping in, I was good at it.  Nick would bring me my coffee in bed and I didn’t get up until I’d had a full cup.  All that changed the moment I became pregnant with Tes.  Sleep was a thing of the past.  I used to sleep through anything and everything.  I will wake up now if one of the kids breathes to loudly.  It’s amazing how that luxury I took for granted has just disappeared.

This morning a miracle occurred.  Nick got up for work, took a shower, kissed me goodbye and was out the door.  I stretched, rolled over a few times, thought about going back to sleep, but got up instead.  I looked at the clock, it was almost 8am!  I couldn’t believe it.  For those of you without children, this is called sleeping in.  Late.  I went downstairs, poured myself a cup of coffee and meandered over to the couch.  I put my feet up and just sat there sipping happily. 

When I had almost finished my mugful I heard Christian start to stir.  By the time I got to him I was awake, really awake.  I usually stumble into his room and half fall onto his bed.  Tessie woke up a few minutes later and all three of us were rested and happy.  I want to thank my children for giving me the beautiful moment of mommy solitude this morning.  So about tomorrow... 

Labels

Our lives are full of labels.  Every time we fill out a form we have to define ourselves with these labels.  Married, single, male, female, white, Hispanic, and so on.  And then there are the labels that further categorize us.  Rich, poor, gay, straight, democrat, republican, bitch, sweetheart, wife, mother.  We hand these labels out constantly, words that we use to sum up a person, based on nothing more than brief interactions.  We use these labels to describe the people around us.  But how can one or two words describe an entire person?  Today Christian was given a label and I had to remind myself that I know the answer to that question.  A label can’t even come close to describing a person.

I took Christian to see a pediatric neurologist in Albuquerque today.  He was impressed with Christian’s vocabulary and cognitive skills, thought he was charming, and diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy (CP).  This did not come as a surprise, we have basically known Christian would receive this diagnosis for sometime now and it will probably help him receive the services he needs in the long run.  As I was leaving the clinic I asked the doctor if Christian officially had a diagnosis now and the doctor half-laughed and waved his hands over Christian.  “It’s in his chart now, as long as that's OK with you.” he said.  I had to smile at myself, what was I expecting?  A thunder clap?  A voice from above?  Somehow I felt that this diagnosis should carry more weight, feel different.

When Christian was in the NICU and we first learned of his brain injury we were told one of the “worst case scenarios” would be CP.  This sounded terrifying to us, a disability was like a foreign language, and we searched the internet for more information.  This label was the scariest thing we had ever heard and seemed so negative.  Would this mean Christian would never lead a normal life?  We treated this possibility with grief and fear.  We have since developed a much different view.

We now look at Christian as just Christian.  He is not his disability, this is just a small piece of information about him.  He will face many challenges in his life but none of them have to be negative if we don't approach them thus.  And so this new label doesn’t change anything.  And even though I knew that going in, I still found myself grappling  with an internal emotional storm on my way home.  What did this label mean to me?

Driving back home from Albuquerque I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw my son, happy as could be.  He was laughing to himself, singing songs, and quietly playing in his car seat, oblivious to my turmoil in the front seat.  Nothing had changed for Christian.  He hadn’t suddenly become a new person just because he was given a new label.  He wasn’t even aware this label existed.  This was my moment today.  My little reminder that no matter what, I have an amazing son who I love more than words could ever describe.  He is perfect in every way.  And as many labels as he is given in his lifetime there is only one that will come close to summing him up.  Beautiful.

The Two Women in My Head

There are two women in my head.  The first woman is amazing.  She is always dressed nicely, her skin is perfect and her hair is glossy.  This woman is always on time, she RSVPs and writes thank you cards.  She parents with a firm but gentle hand, never raises her voice to her children, and teaches them to be kind by example.  Her house is always spotless, her garden weed free and her bed is always made.  She has dinner on the table when her husband gets home with a smile on her face.  I am not this woman. 

The second woman is a mess.  She sometimes wears her pajamas for days, she can’t remember the last time she washed her hair, and she still has acne (which she was promised would be gone by her 30s.)  She is constantly running late, she always realizes she forgot something half-way to town, and she can’t remember anything she learned in college.  Her kids drive her crazy, she gets upset about the smallest things, and feels guilty constantly that she was to harsh with them.  Her house is a mess, she has a talent for killing plants and is terrible at folding laundry.  When her husband gets home she is exhausted and on the verge of tears.  I am definitely this woman.

When thinking logically, I know the first woman doesn’t exist.   Unfortunately I am not very  logical, in fact I am highly emotional.  And no matter how often I tell myself that I will never be the first woman, I still hold myself to that standard, and so I am often disappointed.  I am not saying that I am a big weepy mess all the time, but there are definitely days when I feel totally crazy.  Every day there are times when I feel like a bad mother and think my kids must agree.  Today was one of those days.

Although we started out happy and on time, we quickly spiraled to screaming in the car and late for school.  In the middle of Tessie in time-out on a chair in front of the school and Christian screaming at me and dragging his feet in his walker I wondered, Where did I go wrong?  At what point did I let a small detail ruin my morning?  This was the moment when I was sure all the other “First Woman” moms in the parking lot were looking at me and thinking Who this crazy lady was and why doesn’t anyone save those poor children. 

After finally getting both kids dropped off, once again pretending to be angels for their teachers, I headed home to clean.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt and had a hard time focusing on anything.  So of course when I left to pick the kids back up the house was still a mess.  On my way to get the kids I stopped at a friend’s house to drop off some jam I made her.  This was the highlight of my day so far.

My beautiful moment today took place in my friend’s kitchen.  She was still in her pajamas and I was coming apart at the seams.  She gave me the “Iv’e been there” hug I was needing and I immediately felt better.  I’m not talking about an epiphany and by no means did I suddenly think my life was rosy.  I’m talking about realizing that someone else feels exactly the same way as you do.  I remembered that I know a lot of these Second Women.  We are all on the same team.  And although it sometimes feels like us vs. them, we all love our children.  I know that I will probably never give up the First Woman in my head.  As foolish as it is, I still strive for perfection, whatever that means.  But I will also strive for these beautiful moments of camaraderie in a girlfriend’s kitchen, because heaven knows we need them.

My Dancing Queen

I think I have already stated, and I’m sure I will bring it up again, that Tessie really knows how to get under my skin.  She is an expert at driving me completely insane.  Before, during, and after lunch today she was in prime form.  I can’t even remember why I was so frustrated with her but I remember the frustration just fine.  After lunch she finally settled into a more tolerable behavior and asked if she could have a dance party.  I put on Adele for her and she began to dance around the living room.

Watching Tessie dance always makes me fall back in love with her no matter how angry I’ve been.  She really feels the music and acts it out.  After every performance she is beaming and takes a very big bow.  Today, after dancing to a few songs, she asked me to  play the last song again and said the show was about to start.  Nick and I sat in the living room to watch and sure enough, we got a show.

Tessie put on an interpretive dance show to Adele’s song “Turning Tables.”  She danced with her arms and hands delicately floating through the air, her face serious and filled with more emotion than I would expect from a three and a half year old.  She moved around her “dance floor,” a play mat on the living room floor, with deliberate steps.  At times she sat down and moved her hands as if speaking to someone and at other times she marched to the rhythm of the music, focused the entire time.  She ended the dance sitting, her hands floating on either side of her, in character the whole time.

I cried the entire time watching her.  The imagination that poured out of her was palatable.  She emanated joy and I couldn’t help but get caught up in her performance.  I had never been more proud or more in love with her.  As far as I was concerned she was on stage at some famous opera house, playing to a packed house.  Any aggravation I had felt earlier had melted away as if it had never existed. 

My daughter is an enigma.  She is so unbelievably imaginative and spontaneous.  I get so frustrated with her at times and we rarely have a day without some sort of melt down, but I wouldn’t change her in the smallest of ways.  Today, for about four minutes, her true self shone through.  I am lucky to be blessed with this kind of beauty in my life.

Our Greatest Adventure

Going fishing with dad

Before Nick and I had kids we were adventurers.  We hiked, camped and fished a lot.  We loved it.  And we envisioned that we would continue to do so when we had children.  Well, as many parents discover, what you think you will do when you have children differs from the reality of what these endeavors require on the part of the parents.  Basically, it’s a lot more work than you realize.

The desire to bring our kids along on these adventures hasn’t subsided however, and today we did it.  We have been talking about taking the kids camping for a while but between work schedules and the rather daunting nature of camping with children, it hasn’t happened yet.  Today we decided to ease ourselves in and so we had a camp-in.  We planned a fun filled day with the kids, the culmination of which would be camping in the backyard.
The kids thought this was a great idea.  We started the day slowly and made our way up one of the forrest roads near our house to fish and have a picnic lunch.  Tessie, especially, was ecstatic in the backseat.  She pumped her legs in her car seat and recited our plans over and over with a huge smile on her face. 

Splashing the day away

When we found an empty campsite we pulled in and unloaded the car.  Tessie happily munched on chips and sushi but Christian was so excited to fish we couldn’t get him to eat anything.  “Go fishing, go fishing!” he repeated while practically jumping out of the camp-chair we had him propped up in.  Nick took Tes fishing first while Christian and I played in the water and watched chipmunks trying to steal our lunch.  Tessie quickly tired of fishing and Nick and I switched kids.  It’s fun to spend time alone with Tes, it doesn’t happen that often.  I rolled her pants up and helped her wade out in the river.  We laughed and laughed over nothing.  By the time the boys made it back Christian had caught his first fish, with Daddy’s help of course, and Tessie was splashed out.  We loaded the kids back up and headed home.

Once home I put Christian down for a nap and Tessie and I set out to pitch the tent.  She was so full of wonder and excitement the whole time I was threading tent poles through the tent that any doubt I had that camping in the back yard would be enough disappeared.  She was a great helper and we had the tent up in no time.  Tes spent the next hour just lying in the tent, giggling and talking to herself, having more fun that you would think was possible in an empty tent.  Nick worked on clearing an area for our new fire pit and by the time he was done we had a whole new section of yard.  The three of us wandered back inside and rested while Christian finished his nap.

Nick made us an excellent dinner of grilled shrimp, filet mignon, cous cous and salad with hot dogs for the kids.  We ate outside together next to the river and talked about our day.  Christian started to get fussy so we moved our operation to the fire pit.  As soon as Christian saw the fire he was mesmerized and calmed right down.  Nick got his guitar and we sang songs.  Christian requested the wiggles and Tessie made up songs about camp fires.  I toasted marshmallows and the kids got sufficiently sticky.  It was wonderful.

While I wiped the marshmallow goo of Tes and Christian Nick set up the beds in the tent.  We carried the kids out to the tent in their jammies, stuffed animals tucked under their arms.  We all snuggled up and read books by the lantern.  Our dog Lucy even stuck her head in to see what was going on.  When books were done Tessie crawled into her camp bed and I tucked Christian into his.  With short goodnights and kisses the kids both fell right asleep. 

As I am writing this I am sitting next to the tent in my back yard, the sound of the river in the background.  My heart is so full I think it might overflow.  This amazing day wasn’t without it’s melt-downs and threats of time outs, but it was a full day of my family.  It might not have been the same kind of adventure Nick and I use to take, but it was the greatest adventure to date.  And now as I am getting ready to crawl into the tent with my babies and my husband I feel luck to have such a beautiful family.

Returning to Myself

Self Portrait, age 17

I had every intention of cleaning my house today. As I was trying muster up some motivation in the kitchen my eye fell on a set of canvases that I had recently purchased. All of a sudden I had absolutely no desire to clean.

I have always thought of myself as an artist. As a young child I painted and drew fantastical imaginings and as a teenager art got me through when nothing else could pull me out of my angsty stupor. Sadly, as an adult I lost my artsy way for some time.

one of my "Tes and Bubbi" signs

Painting today

A couple of years ago I started painting again in the form of signs for children's rooms. My signs appealed to people and I started a small business named Tes and Bubbi after my two babes.  I started to express myself once again, not in dark self portraits as in my teen years, but with hopeful phrases and colorful flowers. I found my niche.

When I started working I put my art on the back shelf. I missed it terribly. I told myself when I returned home that I would make art part of who I was again, now I know it never left. I picked up my paint brush today and returned to myself.

The finished product

When I'm creating, painting, writing, singing, I am truly me. I love mixing colors, creating images, and making something from nothing. I felt like I had returned home to that central part of myself. I created a simple set of images but when they were finished I felt utter satisfaction. With my hands covered in paint I sat back to survey my work and the total joy that settled over me was beautiful.

Christian's Element

In many ways Christian is a very typical two year old boy.  He is talking more and more, he gets mad at his sister, he loves books and swinging, and man can he throw a tantrum!  But in other ways Christian is anything but typical.  Physically Christian falls somewhere in the four to seven month category.  However, there is one place where Christian doesn’t fall behind, in fact he thrives.  That place is in the water. 

Christian loves to swim.  Just before he turned one we started holding physical therapy sessions at the pool about once a week.  Before the pool he hadn’t been making much progress in therapy but that all changed once he got in the water.  All of a sudden I saw a confidence in him that hadn’t been there before.  From that moment on, Christian started to improve.  In the water he could move in ways that weren’t usually possible for him.  As he got older he would recognize the pool when we would drive past and call out “Pool, pool!  Wanna swim!” 

Back Floating

Recently he has started really swimming, while being supported under his chest, using his entire lower body to “dolphin kick.”  He has a constant smile on his face while in the pool and it is sometimes quite hard to get him to leave.  Christian is fearless in the water, he will dunk his whole head and come up smiling.

Today he had his second “swim lesson” with a very good friend of mine.  Almost as soon as we got in the kiddy pool he was asking to go in the big pool.  “Wanna go big pool mama!” he shouted over and over until I gave in and hopped into the bigger and much colder pool.  Christian kicked like crazy.  I walked backwards so he could “swim” towards me again and again.  I would count to three and we would dive under the water.  Christian came up with eyes squinting and a huge smile on his face.  “Again!” he demanded.

When he started to turn blue we would go hang out in the hot tub until he again insisted on going back to the big pool.  Not once today did I have to explain why he wasn’t sitting, or running around like the other kids.  He looked like every other toddler at the pool with their mom.  It seemed to me that he could sense this “sameness” as well.  He was happy, really happy, proud and confident. 

I try not to grieve the things Christian can’t do, but at times it is hard.  In the moments before he was born I confidently told everyone he would be fine, even though all their faces told me I was the only one who believed it.  From the the beginning I have been his cheerleader, staying positive when no one else could.  Today, watching him splashing and laughing, it was an easy job.  Water is truly Christian’s element.  He comes alive when he is swimming.  Today he was amazing and completely beautiful.

A Journy to the Past

Fishing in Argentina in 2004

When I made the decision to return to my job as a full time mom it was with the full support and encouragement of my husband.  I consider myself incredibly blessed to not only have the opportunity available to stay home but to have a partner who understands the advantages and doesn’t mind working harder to make that possible.  Lately he has been working very hard, seven days a week hard.  I offered him the chance for a day off while the kids were in school and said I wouldn’t mind working for him a day in the shop.      I didn’t have to twist his arm much and today I found myself working my first full day back in the shop in a very long time. 

In 2004 Nick and I embarked on one of the scariest and most exciting adventures of our life together.  We reopened the Taos Fly Shop, his father’s previous venture from the early 80’s.  We started in a tiny little space, about 300 square feet, with barely an inventory and a lot of hope.  I had only been fly fishing for about a year but I was our sole employee, since Nick was still guiding almost full time in the summer.  With every item we sold we ordered two more and our little store started to grow.  We quickly gained a loyal client base and before I knew it we were a real Fly Shop.

Eagle's Nest Lake 2007

I was an integral part of the shop and soon all the tough outdoorsy guys walking in our shop were taking fishing advice from me, and I actually knew what I was talking about.  I definitely faced opposition from customers who weren’t comfortable talking to a girl about fishing.  I once had a man walk in, see me, turn around and leave, then walk back in and ask “Is there a young man here I can talk to?”  “Nope,” I said, “Just me.”

We expanded our store and for close to five years I worked in the shop almost every day.  It was my life and I truly loved it.  Nick and I fished in several states and different countries and fly fishing became part of who I was.  Then one day the shop closed early and a sign was up on the door reading “We are having a baby.”  And everything changed.

I quickly became immersed in my new life as full time mom and I loved every second.  When Tessie was a couple months old I started working again.  We set up a whole second nursery at the shop and she became as much a part of it as we were.  We took family fishing trips and people came in to see her as much as they did to shop.  As she got older it became harder to have her in the store and so I again returned home.  When Christian was born my life as a fisherwoman all but disappeared. 

Brazos 2008 (Pregnant with Tessie)

In the last couple of weeks I have spent a little more time in the shop and today I worked most of the day.  It felt great to be back in my old world.  I will admit that I am a bit rusty but I really enjoyed my visit to the past.  I spent the day telling old fishing stories, recommending flies, and feeling like I was a part of the family business again.  I got to see old friends and clients, all of whom were happy to see me back again.  A few people came in who hadn’t been in the store in years and so I imagine that to them I had been there all along.  I hope to spend more time in the shop in the future.  I still plan on being mostly mom, but I think having a little something else is important and also quite beautiful.

Enduring Years and Distance

Today was a good day.  My children were basically angels, start to finish.  The weather was amazing, I reconnected with old friends and can honestly say I didn’t have a single bad experience.  I had a handful of topics to write about tonight and actually had a hard time deciding which to settle on.  Even as I’m writing this my kids are continuing to fill my heart with inspiration.  But I just got off the phone with my cousin Lili and my topic has presented itself to me.

I grew up on the Big Island of Hawaii.  I was always surrounded by family and having cousins in abundance was something I took as a given.  When I was in second grade my parents bought a piece of property from my Aunt and Uncle and they built the house I would spend the rest of my childhood in.  The house was great, the property was amazing, but the best part was that it came with built in playmates in the form of three cousins, and eventually two more neighbor children that became fast friends.  The seven of us grew up like a wild pack, spending almost every day together, building forts, riding bikes, riding horses and camping out. 

For me, the highlight was my older cousin Lili.  She was three years older than me and so, of course, infinitely wiser in matters of the world, the heart, everything.  Lili taught me how to ride and care for horses and we spent countless days covered in dust and horse hair.  We had a club called the Powder Puff Girls in the hay barn where we kept a journal of one kind thing we did each day.  As we got older the conversations turned from forts to boys and we helped guide each other through the mine field of teenage love.  Too soon, it seemed, Lili left for college and I was the only girl left on the block.

Over the years we have seen each other rarely but have kept in touch.  Over the phone and by email we have shared the stories of how we met our husbands, fell in love and had babies.  The bond of sisterhood has reached over great distances and kept us close.

Tonight my phone rang and, seeing the Colorado area code, I hoped it was Lili.  Happily surprised I broke my own rule and talked at the table during dinner.  I don’t know how long it had been since we last spoke but we fell into the easy cadence of kid stories and catching up.  We laughed over the similarities of our precocious daughters, neither of whom seemed to have inherited their mother’s tom boy ways thus far, and mourned the fact they have yet to meet.  We talked over the sounds of our sons babbling and shared the changes in our work lives and contentment in our home lives.  Our goodbyes stretched long with promises of visits we both had every intention of keeping but knowing it would probably be a while before our next visit, whether in person or over the phone. 

I am lucky to have a family bond that has endured years and distance.  I wish I could see my cousin more often but I know I will never lose her.  Our solid connection, I imagine as close as that of any sisters, is a reassuring force in my life.  My happy reminder of it this evening is my something beautiful today.