Into the Mountains

Today we planned on having a family day.  We weren't quite sure what we were going to do, but we headed up into the mountains with a full day to fish, hunt, play, or just lay in a field.   The four of us were in high spirits as we turned off the pavement and onto a forest road.

Even though the road we took was only a few minutes from our house, we quickly entered another land, one where magic seemed entirely possible.  Christian soon fell asleep but Tes didn't take her eyes away from the scenery rolling past her window.  Everywhere we looked were pine trees reaching towards the sky, aspens in full fall splendor, and the promise of wildlife at every turn.  About a half hour into our drive a small herd of elk ran across the road in front of us.   It was clear we had entered heaven.

When Nick stopped the car to run down and shoot a grouse he spotted, Christian woke up.  The kids were excited to see the grouse and both agreed they wanted to eat it for dinner.  We continued our journey until we climbed above the timber line and into a meadow with views in every direction.

Nick ran off with his camera and the kids and I went hunting for a good tree to sit under.  We found one and snacked on goldfish and an apple until nick returned. At lunch time we built a small fire and roasted hotdogs for our mountain feast.   The kids faces reflected the joy I was feeling.  It was perfectly peaceful.

After we had cookies for desert we watched Nick cut down a nearby tree, which was already dead and destined for our fireplace.  We yelled "Timber!" as the tree came crashing down, and the kids looked at their father with admiration.

As we were preparing to leave I walked towards Nick and he wrapped me in an embrace.  He smelled of woodsmoke, sawdust, and home.   Christian was on one side of is in a chair, talking to the falling leaves.   Tessie was dancing in the sunshine, grouse feathers tucked into her braids.  For miles around us the forest stretched in every direction.   I was overwhelmed with all the beauty in my life, but especially in this one, perfect moment.

Crazy in the Kitchen

For a few days Tessie has been wanting to bake cookies. I said we would but it has continued to be put off. Today I forced to put off my list and tell Tes it was cookie baking time. Since Christian was napping, I also decided to make ice cream, finish picking up, and put dinner together at the same time. Make hay while the sun shines, and all that jazz.

The cookie making went pretty smoothly, and aside from eating half the dough, Tes and I did a great job. Christian was still sleeping when the first batch went in the oven so I decided to start on the ice cream. The trouble with this ice cream was the variety. I love salted caramel ice cream, and being on my DIY kick, I thought "how hard can that be?" As it turns out, never having made caramel before, it was pretty hard.

 To to further complicate matters, Christian woke up just as I was at the "continuously stir until all caramel is dissolved" stage, and my caramel was still a big lump on a spoon.  I sent Tessie in to play with her brother, stirred the caramel with one hand, took cookies out of the oven with the other, called "I'll be right there!" to Christian, and greeted Nick as he walked in the door.  He look concerned for a moment, but being rather used to arriving to find me in a crazy state, he simply asked how my day was.  Christian was quickly becoming unsatisfied with his sister-instead-of mom fake out, but luckily my caramel finally dissolved.  I spent the next twenty minutes running from Christian's room to the kitchen.  Stir, bring a snack, stir, help Christian sit up, stir, stir, and stir.  By the time my custard portion of the recipe was complete, so were the cookies and the chicken for dinner.  I mixed the ice cream ingredients together, stuck it in the fridge, and sat down with my kids for a few minutes before I put dinner on the table.

The thing about tonight that stood out from other crazy adventures I get myself into was simple.  I was laughing at myself the whole time.  I was completely happy, and having a great time.  The crazy parts did not, in any way, overshadow the yummy, wonderful parts.  The part when Tessie took twenty minutes to lick the batter off the beater.  The part when I learned how to make caramel.  And definitely the part when my family sat down to dinner with no TV.  My cookies were delicious, the family loved dinner, and I'm about to sit down with a glass of wine and a bowl of salted caramel ice cream.  All in all, I'd have to say my afternoon of crazy in the kitchen turned out to be rather beautiful, as long as you're not looking at my kitchen right now.

The Brink of Insanity

My day started around 3am, when my son started calling me, ever so pitifully, from his room.  I sluggishly forced myself to get out of bed, and stumble down the stairs.  Every once in a while I’m lucky, when I reach Christian’s door he is already asleep.  This was not the case this morning.

When I crept into Christian’s room he was whimpering, but it quickly turned into a full on wail.  I laid down beside him and soothed him until he quieted down.  “It’s time to go to sleep Baby.” I whispered, kissed him, and snuck out of the room.  I crawled back into bed, almost thirty minutes later, and snuggled back under the covers.  I had just fallen into a deep sleep when the sad little voice made it’s way into my consciousness again. 

We repeated this same scenario several more times until it was around 6am and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  Instead of being the calming, reassuring, loving presence that mommy is supposed to be, I had moved into mad, grudge holding, I-can’t-believe-you won’t fall asleep mommy.  Even though I was telling myself to calm down, I found that I was speaking through clenched teeth.  Christian had reached an all out frenzy of crying, and I could feel hot tears threatening behind my lids as well.

Just when I thought I had reached my limit, I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I looked up and Nick was standing over me with kind eyes.  “Go back to bed.” he said softly.  I rolled of Christian’s bed without a word and almost ran up the stairs.  I couldn’t even tell if Christian was still crying, as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out. 

I woke up slowly to the smell of coffee and the soft voice of my husband.  I haven’t had coffee in bed in so long, I can’t even remember the last time.  The first thing that came out of my mouth was an apology, I’m not really sure what for, but I felt awful for leaving him with a screaming child.  Then I noticed the happy boy sounds drifting up the stairs.  So not only did my husband save me from the brink of insanity, he also got Christian into a great mood, and brought me caffeine.  All I could get out was a quiet “I love you.”

The rest of my morning with Christian was great.  He didn’t seem to hold a grudge that I had wanted to kill him only hours earlier.  It’s moments like these that make me so grateful to have such a supportive partner.  My extra hour of sleep was vital to my existence this morning, and couldn’t have been any more beautiful.

Say Ahh

Today the kids went to the dentist.  Tessie has been once before, but it was Christian’s first time.  Nick’s step-dad is our dentist so, luckily for the kids, going tot he dentist is really just going to see Grandpa.  Christian’s pediatrician wanted his teeth checked a little earlier than usual because of his prematurity, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to allow his mouth to be examined.  The first time Tes got her teeth checked she was very hesitant, and would barely open her mouth, even for Grandpa.

So I was a little unsure how today’s visit was going to go.  Christian was up first.  He sat on my lap in the dentist chair and we tried to prompt him to open his mouth.  He did alright, considering he is two, and if it’s not on his agenda he usually doesn’t want to do it.  After he got his toy for being a big boy, it was Tessie’s turn.  She was definitely the star of the show today. 

Tessie climbed up in the chair all by herself.  The hygienist made the chair go up as high as it could, and Tessie looked cautiously pleased.  “I’m a little afraid.” she said as it raised, but she was smiling and didn’t ask to come down.  When her grandpa came in she listened carefully as he told her about the light and the little mirror he used to look at her teeth.  When asked to, she opened her mouth wide, and let him look at all her teeth.    I was so proud of her.

Tessie was beaming as she was told her teeth were strong and healthy.  She proudly told her Grandpa that she brushed her teeth every morning after breakfast, and every night before bed.  She handed her brother his new toothbrush and we walked to the car together.  I was proud of both kids, but especially of my daughter.  The difference between her first and second visits was huge.  And as silly as it may seem, seeing her laying in the dentist chair saying “Aaaahhhhh...” was a beautiful sight.

Bubbles

One of the quintessential moments of childhood is, of course, the bubble bath.  Bubbles add magic to bath time, and they never go out of style.  Tonight I made the kids a bubble bath and surprised them with it.  Christian “jumped” right in and Tessie said “Oh, it’s my favorite thing!” 

As soon as she got in Tessie proceeded to give herself a bubble makeover, complete with bubble muscles and a bubble beard.  Christian said he wanted a bubble face so his sister happily volunteered to help him.  I laughed as Tessie smeared bubbles all over Christian, who was ecstatic.  Then they both made silly bubble faces at me and splashed contentedly until the last bubble had fizzled out, and they were, at last, ready to be washed.

Bath time is usually one of my favorite parts of the day.  The kids are almost always in a good mood in the bath, even if the rest of the day was a disaster.  Tonight was particularly wonderful.  I love watching the two of them play together.  Their bubble fashion show was incredibly entertaining, and truly beautiful.

Mom Date

For over a week I have been trying to get together with a friend for breakfast, coffee, anything, as long as it was just us and not our kids.  That may sound harsh, but we are both exhausted mommies, and we deserve a break.  Finally this morning, it looked like we were going to get our mom date.  We each dropped our kids off at school and met at a nearby restaurant for breakfast.

For the next hour we both let out a steady stream of stories, worries, and favorite things about our kids.  We finally had a moment without kids, where we didn’t have to clean, fold or put away anything, and still all we talked about were our kids.  We gave each other advice about hard things we were going through, and  bragged about how great our children were.  Hard as I try, I can’t think of a single non-child related topic of conversation.

What really amazes me about my break from my children, the break that revolved entirely around them, is that it really worked.  I left feeling refreshed and ready to go back to my kids.  When I picked my them up from school I was ready for the yelling, screaming, and general no-nap-shenanigans.  My little mom date was a beautiful way to recharge my battery, and one I hope to be repeating soon.

My Future Photographer

It always amazes me how comfortable my children are with technology.  And not just T.V. remotes, I’m talking iPads, iPhones, computer games, and touch screens.  Even my two year old is adept at scrolling through pictures on my phone, and my three year old daughter has long outscored me in Angry Birds.  I often think they must be geniuses to know all this at such young ages, but all my friends report similar brilliance from their children.  I recently saw a post online that read “Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I was born before the internet, and blow their minds.”  It’s so true.

A few days ago Tessie was watching me take a picture on my phone, and she asked if she could take one.  I showed her how to operate the camera, handed it over, and expected to end up with a hundred pictures of nothing.  I was pleasantly surprised.  She was very selective with her subjects, and actually got a few good pictures.

Tonight Tes took it to another level.  Nick showed her how to flip the camera, so it took pictures of her.  Before I knew it, Tessie was asking everyone to say cheese, posing herself, and showing off all her pictures to us.  She walked up to me with my phone, switched from camera to picture viewing mode, and started flipping through all of her shots to show me her favorites.  I must say, I was impressed.  It took me a little longer to master the iPhone camera. 

At one point Tessie was wearing some really silly dress up glasses and happily snapping pictures, mostly of herself.  Nick and I were cracking up.  Christian was still in his high chair, talking to his sister, and very happy.  My future photographer was snapping away, Nick was laying on the couch with Tes at his side, and I was sitting back watching it all unfold.  It was a perfect family moment.  I am definitely going to print out a few of Tessie’s shots.  Maybe I will even start an album of her pictures.  If anything, I’m happy that she captured, if a little fuzzily, our beautiful moment of togetherness. 

Beuty in a Bread Pan

If you have been reading my previous posts, you might have picked up on my new love for doing it myself.  Whether it’s cleaning products or our food, I have been very into knowing where the things we have in our home, and in our bodies, come from.  Tonight I did something I have been wanting to do for a long time.  I made my very first loaf of bread.

I know that everyone bakes bread, this is not a huge accomplishment, but it is something I have never done on my own.   I grew up eating fresh baked bread regularly.  At one time my brother actually asked my mom if we could just by the white bread that came already sliced.  There is something about fresh baked bread that is unmatched by anything else.  I wanted my kids to know that feeling.  That, and I’m tired of buying expensive bread all the time.

I will admit that I have been too intimidated to try baking bread before.  Today I gave it a try.  It didn’t help that the recipe I chose put a heavy emphasis on being cautious of the amount of flour you use so as not to end up with a brick.  So I cautiously added flour, kneaded, punched, and let it rise.  As I put my two loaves in the oven I crossed my fingers and held my breath.  Twenty five minutes later I took two golden, beautiful, loaves of bread out of the oven. 

The moment of truth came as I sliced into the loaf and, what do you know, it wasn’t a brick!  In fact, it was a soft, hearty, and absolutely delicious slice of bread.  I was pretty proud of myself, and my family seemed to agree.  At least is seemed that way as they were shoving fresh bread in their mouths.  I created beauty in a bread pan tonight, and it was delicious. 

Laying In The Grass

While dinner was in the oven this evening, I took the kids outside to play. Christian was in his walker, so we started out racing up and down the brick walkway along the house. I would point Christian in one direction then run ahead of him while he chased me, yelling "I'm gonna git you mommy!"

After running back and forth for a while, I asked Christian what he wanted to do next. "I wanna walk on the grass." So we did. I pushed Christian around the yard, he hasn't mastered off-roading yet, and he screamed with delight. His next request was to go jump in the rocks, so I pushed him over to the driveway and we played in the pea gravel like it was an amusement park. Tessie was in a silly mood and lay down in the gravel to look at the clouds. I suggested that the grass might be a more comfortable spot, and decided that Christian should join her.

Christian has spent very little time playing outside on the ground. Whenever I have tried to sit him in a grassy spot he complains it's too pokey, mud is too messy, and rocks are ouchy. I want him to experience mud and dirt like all little boys. It has been hard for me that he doesn't want to get down and dirty. I think I made a big step in that direction today.

At first, when I laid Christian down in the grass, he started to squirm and complain. I laid down beside him and asked him to look at the sky. He quieted down and followed my gaze. I asked him what he saw and he started to name clouds, trees, and birds. Before long, Tessie joined us and we all started giggling and rolling around. I looked at Christian, laying in the grass, and I was so happy I could hardly stand it. He was loving it, pulling blades of grass to examine, watching the dog run by. He didn't want to come in for dinner, and that was the best part of all.

I am hoping that my love of laying in the grass has rubbed off on my son. I have visions of him playing outside until it's too dark to see, getting every outfit he owns covered in mud and grass stains, and building forts out of everything he can find. I can only cross my fingers that our beautiful evening in the grass will become a frequent happening, and that getting him to come in to dinner will be the hard part.

The Play Date

Tessie has been begging me for a play date with one of her friends from school for weeks now.  Today we finally made it happen.  Her friend has a little brother the same age as Christian, and Tes informed me that the boys would play together, the girls would play together, and the mommies could play together.  How perfect.

We actually have this type of scenario play out a lot in our crowd.  But what usually always happens is that all the kids play together, and Christian stays in my lap, or on my hip, the whole time.  Not ideal for either of us.  Today, though, he was part of the action.

As Tes and her girlfriend played with princesses in her room, Christian stood in his walker and played with his friend in the living room.  I stood in the kitchen and watched with delight as the boys talked about toys and giggled together.  I think it was the first time that both my children were playing with their own respective friends, and I wasn't involved at all.

Later we all sat in Christian's room and played with trucks.  Even though Christian was sitting on my lap, I wasn't supporting him at all, and he was so involved with playing with his friend that he didn't even notice me. After our guests went home I snuggled up with my son on the couch and asked him if he had had a good time.  He smiled and said "Ya, we played with trucks."

Independent play has been a huge goal for me when it comes to Christian. The biggest reason he is going to school is because he has had hardly any interaction with kids his age. Christian is an incredibly social kid and I know he wants to be running after his friends, and doing all the things they are. Today was a preview of what I'm hoping his life will be like soon; playing with his buddies, not his mom. That kind of independence will be beautiful, and I'll try not to miss him too much.

Girl Time

An unfortunate truth in our home is that my attention is often focused on Christian, and is not spread equally between both kids. Tessie is pretty good about it though, and is actually a great help most of the time. But I still relish the moments we get to spend, just the two if us.

Today, Christian went down for his morning nap and Tes and I had some girl time. While I took a shower she talked to me the whole time, and put about a million clips and bows in her hair. Then she sorted through my nail polish and, very carefully, selected the perfect shades for our toes.

We headed downstairs and set up for our pedicures. Tessie ran over her nails with an emory board, while I worked on my heels with a pumice stone. She lined up her five color choices in the order I was to apply them to her toes, and told me she was ready. When we were finished I had pink sparkly toes and she had several shades of pink, purple, and blue toes. We then applied temporary tattoos to each other's hands and snuggled in the couch while our polish dried.

I am always amazed at how well Tes handles our routine. From the moment her brother was born she has been a fantastic big sister. She is rarely jealous and always quick to help him with anything he needs. I have to remind myself that this is not necessarily typical, and she deserves a lot of credit.

I need to make sure we have more mommy daughter times like we did today. I loved relishing in her girly-ness, and felt lucky that she wanted to spend all that time with me. Our mini salon day was a special little treat, and one I hope she found as beautiful as I did.

The Results

For over a month now we have been waiting for a phone call.  Actually, it’s a phone call we have been waiting for since we brought Christian home from the hospital.  Today I got that phone call.  It was Christian’s Neurologist, calling with the results of his MRI.

When Christian was in the NICU he had several head ultrasounds to determine if there was damage done during his birth.  The first ultrasound showed no bleeding which was really great news.  The second ultrasound showed a small cyst on one side of his brain, we were devastated, and then caught off guard when the third ultrasound came back normal.  No cyst at all.  Thinking we were out of the woods, we cautiously prepared to take our baby home.  However, before we left the hospital we got the results of the final ultrasound.  Christian did in fact have a cyst, on the other side of his brain than they at first thought, but it was there.  He was diagnosed with PVL, a condition usually associated with Cerebral Palsy. 

We were told that the size and location of this cyst would probably manifest as problems in his lower extremities, mainly his left foot.  Nick did exhaustive research online and it reassured us that the size of this cyst might not, in fact, result in the worst case scenario.  As Christian grew we slowly saw that his low tone extended far beyond his left foot.  He made progress, but it was slower than we expected, and after he was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and a MRI was recommended, we eagerly awaited the results. 

It has been over a month since I took Christian to Albuquerque for the MRI.  We have tried to prepare ourselves for bad news, while at the same time, trying to stay positive and reminding ourselves that no matter what we learned, it wouldn’t change who Christian is.  Because we had so many different results in the NICU, we were expecting this result to be different as well.  Today our wait was finally over.

The neurologist told me that the MRI showed exactly the same thing that the last NICU ultrasound had.  There is a very small cyst on one side of Christian’s brain, and the rest is absolutely fine.  Actually, he used the word perfect.  He said that yes, Christian was making slow progress, but he was progressing, and that was what was important.  The final prognosis was, we should expect a positive outcome, and Christian would do great. 

We of course got no magic number of when to expect Christian to start walking or crawling.  But he will.  Someday, he will.  And that my friends, is beautiful news.

Room to Roam

Today, while Nick was at work, I rearranged our living room.  This used to be a very regular occurrence in our house.  Before we had kids I would change up our furniture arrangement every few months.  Nick would come home to find our heaviest furniture in new locations and would just smile at me, shaking his head.  Today’s move was different.  Unlike the rearrangements of the past, this was not born out of boredom or restlessness.  This was a very well thought out and needed change.  Nick was very aware of the plan, and it was for our son.

Christian has been starting to move around in his walker a lot more.  When I take him to school he walks all over the play area, and around the wide halls, with a determined joy.  It’s wonderful to watch.  However, at home he has been very limited in his ability to move on his own.  He has basically been able to walk up and down the hall, in a straight line, and needed us to help guide him around the furniture and to his desired location.  We decided there had to be a change.

Today I pushed our couches up against the walls, the dining table went into the corner, and the love-seat went under the bar.  There is now a huge open area in our great room, big enough for Christian to get a ton of practice walking.  At least, that was the idea.  After picking Christian up from school, I helped him navigate his walker over our gravel driveway and into the house.  Once inside he walked freely from the door, into the living room, then to the kitchen, and after a few nudges, into the dining room and back to the living room.  He cruised.

This is a big deal for us.  If Christian can move around our home by himself it will change our lives.  We are still a long ways off from that, but this is a start.  Watching him walk around without having to immediately jump up to keep him from crashing into the table, or the couch, or the rocking chair, was amazing.  The look on his face was nothing but beautiful.

The Circle Game

Tonight, while Tessie was finishing her dinner, she pointed to something, I can’t remember what, and said “Look Mom, a circle!”  I decided to make a game out of it and asked her if she could find any more circles in the house.  It was if I had lit a fire under her.  She started running around the house pointing out circles, and loving every minute of it. 

She found circles in pictures, on toys, on light fixtures, on the fridge, and even in knots in the stair railing.  She was so enthusiastic that even Christian started chanting “circle, circle, circle” as we made our way up to the bath tub.  In the tub Tessie started asking me about other things that were circles.  “Our heads are like circles, right?” she asked. 

Eventually the circle game morphed into something else, and her attention to the shapes in the house was lost.  Tessie has always been very much an observer, a quick learner, and a critical thinker.  She is naturally inquisitive and detail orientated, with an insatiable thirst for knowledge.  I hope I can always make learning fun for her, I will do my best.  Tonight I could see her beautiful brain working overtime, and I loved it. 

Pulling Me Back

I had one of those dreaded moments that all mother’s fear today; the middle of the store melt down.  It started with a birthday present.  One of Tessie’s friends turned five this week and today was her party.  I had a lovely, homemade gift ready to go, but Tessie vetoed it.  Instead she insisted that we had to get a Tinker Bell dress-up outfit.  Well Tes is very convincing, so this morning we headed to Wal Mart in search of fairy attire.

Luckily for us, Wal Mart’s Halloween section is already fully stocked, and after a very short search, we found a perfect little Tinker Bell dress.  This is where it got ugly. Before we entered the store I made it very clear that we were buying a gift, that Tes wasn’t getting anything on this particular trip, and she agreed.  That was until she saw the actual dress.  Tessie decided she wanted it for herself and would find a different present for her friend.  When I said no the screaming started.  Just picture me walking through Wal Mart, which was nice and crowded, with my screaming and kicking daughter under my arm, trying to hold it together until I got to the car.  Pretty. 

Fast forward twenty minutes, Tessie was still screaming, this time at her dad, and I was a big teary mess.  I really didn’t want to make her miss the party, I was looking forward to seeing my friends as well.  Thankfully she was able to calm down, apologize to me, and help me wrap the present for her friend.  We arrived at the party an hour late.

I think the mom shame must have been plastered across my face because my girlfriends all immediately asked what happened.  So after telling the story several times, admitting that it was a little ridiculous to think I was failing as a mother, and hearing a couple similar stories, I started to feel better. 

I have a very strong willed daughter, and a son who requires so much of my time that I often feel like we are literally attached at the hip.  I admit that there are moments I start to sink into poor-me land.  This is a dangerous place for a mom, and one that should be avoided at all costs.  When I find myself slipping one of the only things that can pull me back is the support of my girlfriends.  Today I was slipping, fast.  It is amazing what the support of a fellow mom can do.  Hearing other war stories, seeing the understanding on their faces, and leaning on a shoulder that has had just as many tears shed on it as my own all help to hold me back from the edge.  This is a hard job, the best job in the world,  but a hard job nonetheless.  I am grateful for my girlfriends, I need them, and today they kept me back from the edge.  What a beautiful save.

A Horsey Afternoon

The kids got a special treat this afternoon.  A friend of mine was in town staying with her aunt, and she invited us up to the house to visit the horses.  Both kids were excited about the visit and pointed out every horse along the way. 

When we got there Tessie hurried down to the stables to see the horses.  Her first question was which ones were girls.  Then she talked to them for a while and shyly reached out her hand for them to sniff, jerking it back with giggles when curious horse lips nibbled at her fingers.

Christian was cautiously interested.  He did not like the horsey lips at all and got very concerned when his shoes were sniffed.  I expected him to want to pet them but instead he was quite clear about keeping his distance.  You can’t win them all.

I was fortunate to grow up next to cousins with horses.  I learned to ride and take care of them, and most of all I learned a life long love for them.  Because of this, I want my kids to have some experience with horses as well.  As I watched Tessie feeding one of the horses a carrot, with absolute joy painted across her face, it was hard not to get caught up in her happiness.  It was a beautiful sight.  Now to tell Nick we are getting horses...

Swing Away

This afternoon I was outside with the kids when Tessie’s friend Jack, from next door, wandered over asking Tes if she wanted to come play.  She walked up the hill with him, and after a visit to the chickens, Christian and I followed. 

We played outside with our friends for awhile and my kids were especially into the swing set.  I sat Christian on a swing and, holding on tight, pushed him for awhile.  He thought it was a riot, my back did not really agree, and so I ended up moving him to the hammock before it spasmed.  What really tugged at my heart, however, was watching Tes on the swings.

Tessie has always been a very cautious girl.  She sat up at five months, but didn’t crawl until ten months, and didn’t walk until fifteen and a half.  She has never been a climber, barely even a runner.  Just recently she as finally started to jump with both feet off the ground at the same time.  So needless to say, when it comes to the swings, Tessie has been less than enthusiastic. 

Today she got on the “big girl swing” and happily swung away.  Not very high, and not very fast, and with a bit of trepidation, but she enjoyed it thoroughly.  The look on her face was beyond priceless and I felt such pride seeing her taking, what she considered to be, a big risk.  Her trip into the land of big kid swings was truly a beautiful adventure, and one I think we will be repeating soon.

Hubby Check-In

Thank goodness, I had a good day today with the kids.  We spent the morning playing together in Tessie’s room.  Christian stood in his walker and the three of us made beautiful music with kazoos, harmonicas, drums, and tambourines.  After lunch we said goodbye to Nick as he headed back into the mountains for the last leg of his elk hunt, and the kids both took naps while I made some important phone calls.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly, complete with adorable moments from the kids.  My favorite was Tessie trying to make Christian feel better in the bath tub when he started to cry.  “Don’t worry Bubs,” she said.  “I’m here.  Tell me about your day.  Daddy will be back soon, he is just getting us another rabbit to eat.”  It worked, Christian stopped crying.  Once the kids were both asleep I called Nick to tell him about his ridiculously cute kids and hear about his evening hunt.

The thing I love most about my husband is that he is my best friend.  Really, I mean that.  He is the person I want to tell all my little things to, and I want to hear about his.  And so I shared in his excitement as he told me about his close encounters with a bull elk and a herd of antelope this evening.  I could hear his pride for me as I told him I sent in the paperwork for my first craft fair this afternoon.  We finished our stories, traded "I love Yous," and said goodnight.

It may seem like a small thing, but my hubby check in tonight was the most special part of my day.  We are there for each other, on the easy days like this one, and on the days when life hits us hard.  Knowing he is saving up his little moments to share with me, while I’m saving up mine, is a beautiful reminder that I got really lucky, and I am grateful for it every day.

Lean On Me

This afternoon I happily agreed to watch our neighbor’s kids for a couple hours.  Four kids by myself?  No problem, I figured.  It was a rainy afternoon and I was picturing cuddling on the couch with all the kids and watching movies, or playing happily with blocks and legos.  As it turns out, it was not as easy as I thought.  Now don’t get the wrong idea, the neighbor boys were great, angels even.  My kids... not so much.

Tessie hadn’t napped and so was extra sensitive, crying at the drop of a hat.  It seemed as though Christian had saved up all his frustration with, well, everything, and was taking it out on me.  Meanwhile, our two perfect guests were happily coloring and watching a movie.  When their dad came to get them he generously offered to take our kids for a while, to give us a break.  Nick and I, very quickly, accepted his offer.  We fully expected to get a call within five minutes that Christian was freaking out, and we had to come get them.  Much to our surprise the phone call was actually to ask if the kids could stay for dinner.  We thanked them, but said we already had dinner all set, and we would do it another time.  Nick went up to get the kids and brought them home in happy moods.  The moods didn’t last. 

We struggled through dinner and up to bath.  After I got both kids in the tub I walked back down the stairs and collapsed against Nick’s side on the couch.  We sat there and listened to Tessie and Christian chatting happily to each other.  It seemed that as long as I wasn’t in the room tonight, the kids were completely happy.  I leaned against my husband, and tears started to fill my eyes.  After a little pep talk from the hubby, I took a deep breath and headed back into the fray. 

Although I love my children more than words can express, they really kick my emotional butt.  I know that as soon as a good moment comes around, I will forget the hard ones.  But man, the hard ones are hard!  Tonight, leaning against my husband, I could feel his support like a physical presence.  I have no idea what I would do without him to lean on, literally.  I know I am lucky to have a partner to remind me I am not a terrible mother, and to occasionally just be that beautiful voice in my ear saying, “I know.”

Welcome Home Daddy

When I picked the kids up from school today I let them know there was a big surprise waiting for them at home.  Tessie was excited, but Christian knew exactly what the surprise would be.  “Wanna go see Daddy!” he said with a smile on his face.  Nick has been out hunting for a little over a week, and although he comes home for a night now and then, the kids have really been missing him a lot.  Both kids were smiling from ear to ear when they saw Nick sitting on the couch as we walked in the door.  Christian reached his arms out, arching his body, and squealing when Nick took him from me.  Tessie immediately launched into a narrative, describing her first day of ballet school.  The only thing better than the obvious joy on my children’s faces was seeing it mirrored by their dad.

The bond between my children and their father is amazing.  It has definitely been hard earned on his part, especially with Christian, who didn’t leave my arms for roughly eighteen months.  His relationship with them is so different than mine, and at times it’s hard not to be envious.  Mom is called for anything bad.  Bumped heads, scraped knees, spilt milk, and nightmares.  Daddy gets to read books, play games, and take them fishing.  Their behavior is almost always better with dad, it’s the rule of the universe.

Watching the kids rejoice over the return of their Daddy was touching, and I will admit, a bit of a relief for me.  I even got a little break from the constant demands of Mommy-hood.  Daddy is special and his attention magical.  No matter how old they get, this will always prove true.  This afternoon I felt lucky to be witness to this little reunion, and didn’t have to look hard to see it for the beautiful moment it was.

At My Best, At My Silliest

There are some moments when my kids bring out the hidden goofball in me.  Okay, so it’s not that hidden, but they make it even goofier.  I went for an easy dinner tonight and made the kids frozen pizzas, much to their delight, and let them watch The Lion King while we ate.  It was almost the end of the movie and I had already gotten the bath ready.  If you are familiar with the movie you can probably picture the scene when Timone and Pumba try to distract the hyenas by doing the hula.  Christian and Tes love this scene.  As soon as it was over I sang the little song and made Christian laugh.  He immediately demanded I do it again.  You might see where this is going. 

For the next ten minutes I was dancing around the dining room, singing “Are ya achin’ (yup, yup, yup) for some bacon?”  The kids were rolling with laughter and I must admit, I was having a great time.  Of course I ruined it by making Christian get in the bathtub, to which he protested loudly.  He finally quieted down, and the house was once again filled with his infectious laughter, as Tessie made funny faces at him in the tub. 

One of the greatest things about having children is that you are reminded of how great it is to be a kid.  You don’t have to hold back with your children, I certainly don’t.  Kids are a free pass to be absolutely bonkers.  It is the only job where you can be at your best by being at your silliest.  I love it.  Tonight while I was dancing around, pretending to be a meercat doing the hula, my kids thought I was truly beautiful, and their opinions are the only ones that matter.

Wanna Go Crazy

This evening, as I was cooking dinner, Christian started to get restless.  Nick asked him if he wanted to get in his car and he said yes.  We got his braces and shoes on, then strapped him in his walker.  At first he was happy , but soon became frustrated that he couldn’t move in the direction that he wanted.  Tessie came to his rescue. 

For the next fifteen minutes Tessie and Christian raced up and down the house, Tessie pushing the walker and Christian screaming in delight.  When they reached one end of the living room Christian cried out “Again!” and Tes complied.  It was hilarious.  I had to bite my tongue several times as they almost slammed into furniture and walls.  Nick and I laughed and said, “You two are crazy.”  We finally convinced them it was time to eat, and we all sat down to dinner.

After he ate for a while Christian started to fuss again.  Nick asked if he wanted to walk in his car again.  His face lit up and he said “Ya.  Wanna go crazy!”  Tessie was more than happy to race him around again until it was time for bath.  And although Christian cried over leaving the walker, I was still smiling over the sight of him racing around with his sister.  What beautiful, crazy kids. 

Playing House

My day today could not have been more different than my day yesterday.  I had a wonderful time with both my kids today, but especially with Tes.  From the moment she woke up she was a joy.  She was helpful with her brother, listened to me when I explained a reason for a rule, and picked up, most of the time.  She was helpful with her brother and even his behavior improved dramatically from the day before.

I made an effort to set realistic expectations and tried to give Tes choices, rather than ultimatums.  We made a “responsibility chart” and Tessie took it very seriously.  Overall, we had more fun than fights, and I am smiling at the end of my day instead of feeling beaten down. 

One moment in particular today outshone the rest.  I had just put Christian down for a nap and was about to start in on cleaning the kitchen.  I walked past Tessie’s room and heard her talking to her dolls about building them a house.  I paused and decided that the kitchen could wait.  I don’t want the majority of my interactions with Tes to be about discipline, we need to spend time playing together as well. 

I asked if I could join her and she said of course.  She showed me the “dobe” house she was building.  “Adobe?” I asked.  “No, dobe.” she replied.  I smiled.  We dressed all her dolls and put them to sleep in the house we built.  Then I made a sign, at Tessie’s request, that said “Please, you may not touch.” and leaned it against the structure. 

It was a wonderful moment.  I love watching my daughter’s imagination at work.  Too often however, I take the opportunity given by quiet play to clean, rather than enjoy being with her.  I am positive that this interaction of ours helped improve the outlook of our entire day.  From now on I am going to make an effort to seize every little play moment I can, because the beauty of playing house with her mother will fade before I can even blink, and I haven’t put on nearly enough doll outfits yet.

Tomorrow is Another Day

So, as was bound to happen at some point, I am finding it very hard to find something to write about this evening.  Something beautiful, that is.  My day consisted mostly of being screamed at by my children, while I fought every urge not to scream back. 

The day started off alright, it was around mid morning that it went awry.  Although some days Christian has transitioned to a single nap, it became apparent pretty quickly that he was going to need a morning nap, so I picked him up to carry him to bed.  He hated the idea and started yelling at me immediately.  While carrying him, crying, out of Tessie’s room, I asked her to please put away her dress up clothes while I was putting Christian down.  Instead of falling asleep, he just screamed bloody murder until, questioning my nap radar, I went in to get him.  I put on a movie and set him on the couch, then went in to check on Tes.  She was building a house of duplo-legos and hadn’t put away a single dress up item.  I reminded her that she had to put away the last thing she played with before moving on to a new toy, and went back to check on Bubs.  He was sound asleep on the couch, approximately two minutes into The Lion King.  I carried him to his room, and went back to Tessie’s room. 

She hadn’t moved from her spot on the floor, surrounded by blocks.  I asked her again to please put her dress up clothes back in the bucket.  This is about the moment I can pin point my downward spiral starting.  I said if she couldn’t be a big girl and put her things away, then she didn’t deserve nice new things, and threatened to take away her brand new Snow White dress.  Tessie didn’t even look up.  “I’m just busy right now.” she stated.  I took her dress into the other room and came back to find plan A hadn’t worked at all.  She was still playing with the blocks, the dress up stuff was still spread all over the room. 

At this point I think I still could have just walked away, but I stuck to my guns, and boy do I regret it.  What followed was a long drawn out series of threats to take away things, followed by those things getting taken away, followed by Tessie finally saying she didn’t want any of her toys and I could just take them all away.  Well that’s one way to get out of cleaning your room.  I said, through very clenched teeth, that it didn’t matter if I took everything away, she would still have to pick it up first.  She got a time out, to which she replied she had to go potty.  So her time out moved to the bathroom.  During this time Christian had woken up, been put in his high chair for lunch, and then started yelling at me too.  So while Tes was on her potty time out, Christian went to time out as well. 

I stood in the kitchen and tried to calm down, while also coming up with a plan to dig myself out of this giant pit I was in.  Christian stopped yelling, and as he usually does when in time out, he had calmed down and was smiling when I went in his room.  I got Tes out of time out and the three of us went to her room to pick up.  She put all the legos, dolls, and dress up stuff away.  I thought it had all turned around. 

I have been thinking of turning her old changing table into a dress up wardrobe for some time now, and tonight I decided to do it while the kids were watching a movie.  Tessie kept trying to peek in to see what I was doing and when I finished she was in awe.  “I love it!” she exclaimed, and I thought maybe we had recovered from the huge fiasco earlier in the day.  I explained to Tes that the rule was that she always had to put her dress-up things back in the wardrobe when she was done and she agreed. 

During dinner the kids both looked tired and Christian was headed for a full on melt down.  So I bribed them to be good for a few more minutes with ice cream, and ran upstairs to start the bath.  As soon as Christian finished his he started screaming and continued to scream while I stripped him down to get in the tub.  I asked Tes to go put away the dress and tutu she was wearing and then come upstairs.  This is usually not a large task for her, but tonight it turned into a power struggle, yet again.  She dropped the skirt on the floor and said she wanted me to put it away, I said she had to or she was going straight to bed.  As you can imagine, my patience was non existent at this point and I was making stupid, outlandish threats, that in no way matched the task I was trying to elicit.  Finally after leaving to get a pull-up to put her straight to bed, Tes ran crying over to the skirt on the ground and shoved it in the basket it belonged in, then begged me to put her in the bath.  Wow, I felt super victorious, oh right, and like a terrible mother and human being. 

I got the silent treatment through bath and pajamas.  Finally, while carrying her to bed, Tessie hugged me really tight and whispered “I love you.”  It just made me feel worse and I clung to her like a life raft.  I told her a story, sang her a song, and kissed her goodnight.  Then, while wiping away the tears streaming down my face, I walked into my living room, feeling defeated. 

Although there were a few good moments during the day, I couldn’t bring myself to write about them because they felt cheap after I had spent the majority of the day in battle with my children.  Tonight I feel like super-mom’s evil twin sister.  But after writing this I have discovered that this is my moment of beauty.  No, not sitting on the couch with a glass of wine thanking the heavens the little monsters are finally asleep.  My moment of beauty is realizing I did everything wrong today, but tomorrow I will have the opportunity to do it all right.  Parenting is hard, bottom line.  Days like today make me feel like I am failing miserably, but I know that’s not true.  Well not totally.  I have amazing children, and I love them more than I ever thought possible.  So if you will all forgive my purge, I will strive again for beauty tomorrow, and the day after that, knowing that the search will never truly end.

The Beginning

This last week, Nick has been Elk hunting, and although he has not gotten an elk yet, he did bring home a rabbit and a grouse last night.  I already had dinner cooking so we saved them for tonight.  Nick cooked the rabbit and grouse outside on the grill and I roasted squash, and made grilled cabbage with fennel and goat cheese.  The vegetables were mostly from friends gardens.  It was all delicious.  The kids loved it and Nick and I took pride in our very organic and sustainable meal. 

We talked about our shared excitement for our vegetable garden next year, and our desire to grow or hunt for the majority of our food.  After dinner I went out to feed the chickens and discovered our very first egg!  I took it over to Nick and the kids, who were sitting around the fire pit in our back yard.  Tessie was so excited and she held it gingerly cupped in her hands. 

The fact that my children will grow up seeing first hand where their food comes from, and will help to grow and harvest it, makes me happier than I can explain.  It will give them a connection to the earth, and a real reason to care for it.  Holding our first egg in my hand tonight was the beginning, I hope that what follows will be a life-long connection to nature.  What a beautiful way to grow up. 

Our Dinner

The first egg.

Reward for Our Efforts

The kids got a big surprise this afternoon, both Nick and I picked them up from school together.  They were generous with their excitement over everyone being their together, and we had a fun ride home, telling jokes and laughing.  When we got home they were behaving so nicely that Nick and I thought we would reward them with dinner outside and a campfire.  Tes and Christian went outside with enthusiasm, but that's about when the magic ended. 

Christian started yelling the moment he got in his chair, demanding to see the chickens and have a campfire.  Anything but eat his food.  Tes refused to get in her chair unless someone carried her to it, something we have been trying to discourage.  Pretty soon she had joined her brother in a chorus of crying.  Finally we warned that if the crying did not stop, the campfire privilege would be taken away.  Unfortunately, we ended up back inside, no campfire in our future. 

Christian calmed down fairly quickly but Tessie continued the mourning of the campfire for a while.  Both Nick and I were hanging to our patience by a thread, but took deep breaths and together explained why we weren’t having the campfire.  Amazingly, Tessie’s cries became sniffles, and she actually listened to us.  We explained that if she could show us she was a big girl we could have a campfire another night. 

Both kids finished their dinner and got to have desert.  Bath went well and we all played together before Nick read books.  Tes went to bed without a complaint, Christian took a little more work but all is quiet now.  It can be so disappointing when we have fun plans for the kids and they fall apart because of tears or timeouts.  Very rarely do moments like these get resolved and turn into a fun evening.  Tonight we were given one of those rare “you are doing a good job” gifts from our children.  Without yelling or losing our tempers we were actually able to reason with our kids, and we were rewarded with a wonderful rest of the night.  What a beautiful turn of events.

The Promise of Fall

This afternoon I was cleaning the house, trying to get as much done as I could before it was time to pick up the kids.  As I was folding the couch blankets I thought I heard a noise outside and looked up.  What I saw took my breath away.  Outside, the afternoon light was shining through the trees and casting the yard in a beautiful glow.  Some of the leaves had just started the change from green to gold.  It was a hypnotic sight and I abandoned my cleaning to run outside as if being summoned by some siren. 

I stood, barefoot on the brick and gazed around.  Fall is right around the corner, and its starting to make it’s presence known.  Growing up in Hawaii, I lived in a perpetual summer, and never minded it a bit.  After over ten years, the changing seasons are still somewhat magical.  I still get excited for the first snow fall, but grow weary of winter after a while.  I can’t wait to shed my coat in the spring but it has turned out to be a lot more mud and wind than I bargained for.  But fall...  I absolutely love fall. 

Although it isn’t quite time for cozy sweaters and hats, I can feel it coming.  And my interrupted afternoon of cleaning was a beautiful reminder of what’s around the bend.

Contentment

My moment tonight was well deserved.  We had a really great day today, hung around and did a whole lotta nothing.  But for some reason, there were no naps to be had.  So by the time dinner was nearing the kids were barely hanging on and I was running on fumes.  I tried to keep up our spirits, we played and made cookies, the later of which I am regretting since there is now a giant bowl of delicious dough in my kitchen.  I will admit that they did surprisingly well, but halfway through dinner Christian lost it, started throwing his food, crying, and asking to go to time out.  That’s how you know its really bad.

He calmed down once he was in the tub, especially when his sister joined him.  As a special treat I told them we could put on jammies and read books in my room tonight, something they are always wanting to do.  I was on my own tonight for the bed time routine so the three of us snuggled up on my bed and I started reading. 

Christian was in the crook of my arm, his head resting on my side.  Tessie was sitting next to him, leaned back against a pillow, with her fingers intertwined in mine in her lap.  They both were exuding exhaustion, but now it was the cozy, happy kind.  The smell of their shampoo hung in the air and their little bodies radiated warmth.  I usually skim through longer books, but tonight I read every word.  I made my little nest of heaven last as long as I could, and then I carried them both downstairs together, something that is getting extremely hard to do.  Both kids went down easily and with plenty of I love yous. 

These are the moments I treasure.  The pure contentment of having my creations in my arms, and not wanting to be anywhere else.  At this moment I couldn’t be anymore in love with them if I tried, and that is a beautiful feeling. 

Fresh Air

This past week I took the opportunity of having a full day without the kids to give my house a thorough cleaning.  I de-cluttered, dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, washed, scrubbed, and disinfected, until I was literally aching.  It was totally worth it, my house looked amazing.  I picked the kids up from school and had dinner ready when Nick walked in from work.  I was expecting praise, but before he even noticed how clean the house was he commented on how bad it smelled.  I had been breathing in my cleaning fumes all day and hadn’t noticed our house smelled like chemical warfare. 

I have spent the rest of the week in a panic of online research.  I have read articles, blogs, and random posts about the ill effects of commercial cleaners and the benefits of homemade, natural alternatives.  This, of course, came as no big surprise.  I don’t get dizzy while cloroxing the toilet because I’m scrubbing so hard.  But I was still operating under the assumption that unless my cleaning products got me high, they weren't doing the job.  Now I feel like I’ve been poisoning my family for years.

So I have given myself a goal to completely rid my house of all chemical cleaners.  I have been compiling recipes and formulas for homemade cleaners.  Last night I received a challenge to start me off.  Just as I was getting ready for bed my dog gave me the “please let me out” look.  I immediately regretted opening the door as she ran off, barking like mad.  I figured she was after some sort of critter and I went out to call her back in.  The critter she was after was obvious as soon as I stepped outside.  Skunk odor filled the air. 

I am not going to get into my night of cleaning, let’s just say it was no fun.  When I woke up this morning the bathroom I had washed the dog in reeked to high heaven.  I was about to get out the bleach when I decided to try out some of the natural concoctions I had been researching.  I scrubbed the entire bathroom, top to bottom, using nothing more than baking soda, vinegar, and a little dish soap.  The bathroom sparkled.  I have never gotten a bathroom so clean without the partnering noxious odors that come with it.  I have been made a firm believer in homemade cleaning products.  As of this moment I am clearing everything else out of my house.  A clean house, full of fresh air, is a beauty I can feel really good about.

Laying the Foundation

When it comes to parenting Nick and I have always said: If it’s hard it means we are doing something right.  This has been our mantra when kids are screaming their way to time outs, mad because we won’t give in, or crying because we won’t change the movie for the ninetieth time.  And for the most part the hard times seem to be far outweighed by the good times.  Lately, though, I have been struggling. 

I find myself getting frustrated over the same things with the kids.  Over and over.  I hate going to bed after a rough evening with them, most of all with Tessie.  I have such a short fuse with her, and it is my least favorite thing about myself.  It feels like, especially in the last week or two, that she is pushing me on every little thing I ask her.  I am constantly following her around like a broken record, asking her to pick up her toys, throw away her trash, be kind, say thank you...  It’s exhausting.  Every night I lay in bed and wonder, am I doing a good job or am I totally screwing this up?

Last night, after an especially trying evening, I pledged to myself that I would summon patience from the depths of my soul and start fresh.  I wouldn’t get so angry or be short with her over insignificant details.  I told myself that, deep down, I knew I was doing a good job.  Even if she was a nightmare with me she had to be good somewhere.  Right?

This morning I dropped the kids off early with Nick’s mom and went to work at the fly shop until about three.  I had a short talk with Tes before I left about being a big girl, hugged her tight, and whispered in her ear that I loved her so much.  When I picked them up this afternoon both kids were overjoyed to see me, a sentiment I returned wholeheartedly.  Tessie ran into my arms and wrapped me in a tight hug.  I got a good behavior report and she even helped put away her toys before we left.  While I was cooking dinner the good behavior continued and I praised her for being such a big girl.

Just as I was about to feed the kids, the phone rang.  It was my mother in law.  She had forgotten to tell me that while Tessie was with her today she cleared her plate from the table after lunch, threw her snack trash away, and helped with her brother whenever he was upset.  All without being asked.  I started to tear up as I thanked her for the call.  I guess that through all the three year old attitude and pouting, Tessie is actually listening to me.  Right now it might be little things like picking up after herself, but someday I will be telling her big things.  I hope she is listening then too.  All I can do now is lay the foundation, and though it sometimes feels wobbly, I saw that it is there nonetheless.  And that is a beautiful start.