The Big Boy Booster

We spent last night at my aunt and uncle's house. They had a mini party with my parents and another aunt, and they all watched the kids while Nick and I went into town on a date. We got in late, and then stayed up even later, talking with my aunt and uncle. This morning was a little tough, but my son managed to bring me out of my fog with a delightful surprise.

We are using an old family high chair while on our visit, but didn't take it with us last night. Instead, we only had the booster chair another relative loaned us, that we have been using for Tes. I told my mom to use it for Christian, but the straps don't work, so someone has to sit next to him, and basically spot him while he eats. It's not a perfect setup, but it's better than holding him for the whole meal. I was planning on doing the same thing this morning. I put breakfast in the table for the kids, and asked Nick to sit next to Christian while I made us our breakfast. As it turns out, he didn't need a spotter after all.

When I came to the table, I saw Christian sitting so straight and tall that I was taken aback. Nick wasn't helping in the slightest, and Christian didn't even wobble. It was the best I have ever seen him sit at the table. Ever. He was eating his food, reaching for his milk, and balancing the entire time. "I'm in a big boy booster chair!" he said with a grin. What a beautiful morning it turned out to be.

Pick Your Battles

You know those moments when you just want to walk outside and scream?  I definitely had one today.  I was trying to get my daughter dressed and in the car, but she had apparently decided that I was going to have to work for it.  And boy, did I ever.  I finally had her dressed and we were walking toward the car.  She looked adorable, despite her nasty demeanor, and I told her how cute she looked. She instantly gave me a giant pout, and announced, in a ridiculously whiny voice, that I hurt her feelings.

It's moments like these that I try to practice extreme patience.  Logically, I know that she is just tired or hungry, and that she is actually a very sweet and well mannered child.  But I am an emotional being, and so I am the one who ends up with the hurt feelings. I get much angrier than necessary, and end up loosing what little patience I have managed to gather.  Although I am trying to follow through with whatever consequence I have laid out, no matter how ridiculous, inside I feel like a world class terrible mom.  That was how I felt when trying to get Tes in the car today.

I was lucky enough to have my mom with me today, and so I left Tes in her care and took a break.  I walked back in the house, and took a deep breath.  Several deep breaths.  I walked back out to the car, and saw my daughter, sitting happily in her car seat.  She smiled at me as I got closer, all animosity had dissipated into thin air.  I found that all the hard parts of my heart melted away as I looked at her.  I asked if she was going to be a big girl, and she nodded and smiled.  I just shook my head.  No matter what you think you know about parenting, your children will make you second guess it.  But today Tessie reminded me to pick my battles, and what a beautiful reminder it was.

A Peaceful Night

My mom has been staying with me and the kids at the beach the last couple of nights, while Nick is on a hunting trip. Our beach house is a small cabin-like house, with one big room acting as living, dining, and bedrooms. There are three beds made up, and a couch. It's very cosy, and so reminiscent of my youth, that I feel perfectly at home here. One of the best parts of the beach house, in my opinion, is that it has no electricity. We have a generator to supply power when we want it, but when it's turned off at night, only the moon and the sound of the waves are there to lull you to sleep. It's perfect.

Last night the kids, especially Christian, had an awful time going to bed. Tonight I was prepared for a repeat, but was pleasantly surprised when they went down with only the slightest of complaints. My mom and I both wanted to finish the books we have been reading, but didn't have much need for the power to be on, so I made the trek out into the jungle to turn off the generator. We keep it a fair distance from the house because of the noise, and I used to dread the journey, fearing strange noises in the dark. Tonight, out of habit, I hurried out and back to the house, then joined my mom on the front porch where we both had out books, small lamps, and glasses of wine.

So this is it, I am currently writing while in my beautiful moment. The moon either hasn't risen, or hasn't been able to peek out from behind the clouds yet, so it's very dark. There are occasional drips off the roof from the brief rain we just had, and the ocean is beating the steady rhythm of the ebbing and flowing waves. My children are sleeping, and I feel an all encompassing peace. I don't think I could find a more comfortable place to be if I searched the world over. At this moment, I am surrounded by a soothing beauty. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a trashy beach novel to get to.

Sand Play

This afternoon my mom and I took the kids down to play in the water, however; the waves were so big that we couldn't really swim. We decided to play in the sand instead. Tessie thought this was a grand idea, and started collecting shells and running up and down the beach. Christian, on the other hand, was not so sure. He hasn't discovered a love for the sand like his sister, and when I set him down he began to protest immediately.

I have been wanting him to play in the sand for several reasons. Mostly because it's fun, but also because both his physical therapist and occupational therapist suggested it. So far my attempts have been in vain. At first he complained that it was dirty, then that it was too pokey, or he would just yell. Today I decided he was going to like playing in the sand, no matter what.

As soon as he started to complain I handed him a rock, exclaiming how cool it was. The ploy worked. He instantly reached for another rock. Next, I showed him how to pile sand up on my leg. That did it. Within minutes he was sitting tall and covering me with sand and rocks. He stopped complaining, and started playing as hard as I've ever seen him. I watched in amazement as he held up rocks in both hands, sitting straight and tall, and never wobbled or lost his balance.

Tessie joined us and we built sand castles, that more closely resembled sand mounds, and picked up shells and rocks. Christian must have sat there for the better part of thirty minutes. I buried his feet, and he screamed with delight when I dug his toes back out to tickle them. He dug his hands into the sand and threw fistfuls into the water. A whole new world of play was opened up. He discovered paradise, and it was beautiful.

That Ooey Gooey Love Feeling

Tonight's bedtime routine went less than smoothly. We'd had a late night the night before, and a very full day today. The kids were exhausted, as were Nick and I, and that usually leads to disaster. Sure enough, it started out rough, and just got worse.

Tessie had been on high button pushing mode for about an hour before bed, and the closer we got, the worse her behavior got. She was getting on her brother's nerves as well, and since he was also totally fried, he lashed out the best way he knows how, by grabbing a fistful of hair and pulling.

It took both Nick and I to loosen Christian's grip on his sisters head. He had both hands wrapped in tight. She was screaming, he joined in quickly, and we were in a parenting nightmare. We finally got them apart, and I soothed Tes while Nick put Christian in time out and had a big talk with him. Not fun.

When everyone calmed down I went to get Tessie's pillow, and Nick turned his back for a second. I heard the kids start to bug each other, and within seconds, Tes was crying again. Another hair pulling incident, although I suspected it was highly provoked. We made it through book time without a scuffle, but getting them to sleep was awful. They both complained about which song I chose, and were practically yelling at me. Christian kept demanding I turn him from one side to the other, and Tes was whining up a storm. I almost lost it, but managed to keep my voice down, mostly, and not strangle them. I also managed to get them to stop complaining and go to sleep; a small miracle if I've ever witnessed one. I snuck out of the room and didn't look back.

A little while later I was getting ready for bed myself, when Tessie sat up and called for me. I went over, already taking deep breaths, prepared for the worst. "What did you say mommy?" she asked sweetly and sleepily. She stopped me in my tracks. All signs of the demon child I put to bed were gone, and my baby girl was back. "I didn't say anything, baby," I whispered "go back to bed." she lay back down, closed her eyes, and was out. I looked down on her and every trace of anger and frustration ebbed out of me. All that was left was that beautiful ooey gooey love feeling that you can only get when looking at your sleeping child. I'm such a sucker.

Singing the Night Away

My childhood memories are filled with parties. My parents had an amazing group of friends, and they had wild get-togethers, with musical evenings, and all the kids right in the middle of it. We danced with our "aunties" and "uncles" who were just as much a part of our family as anyone related by blood. Then we would collapse into the lap of an adult and struggle to keep our eyes open, until we finally fell asleep to the happy sounds of laughter, friendship, and Creedence Clearwater Revival.

Tonight my children had the same experience, with some of the same people. We had a mini reunion with my "other family" Those friends of my parents who were such an integral part oft youth. We played music and sang songs until almost midnight, and my kids were right there, soaking it all up.

For quite a while, Christian sat on my mom's lap, fixated on his mom and dad singing. Tessie danced around in the middle of the group, twirling faster and faster. They both demanded "another one!" as soon as we stopped.

When bedtime had come and gone, their eyes started to grow heavy, and Tessie's spinning slowed. I got them both into jammies, but let them stay on the porch to listen to the music. Tessie was the first to fade. She curled up on the outside bed with her pillow and blanket, under the pretense that she was still just listening. She was asleep within minutes. Christian hung in a little longer, but it wasn't long until he was fast asleep in my mom's arms. We all kept playing music, singing, and laughing the night away, and they kept sleeping.

It is amazing that my kids can sleep through a chorus of "Folsom Prison" but wake up if I knock a book over in the middle of the night. Whatever the magic that helps kids sleep during a party, I'm not questioning it. I loved watching them and thinking that I did the same thing, in the same place, with the same people. Life has a funny way of repeating itself, and that is absolutely beautiful.

The Junior Ranger

When we arrived at the visitor's center at the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park yesterday, one of the park rangers asked Tes if she would be interested in becoming a junior park ranger. Her eyes lit up like the Fourth of July. He handed her a coloring book and some crayons, and instructed her to color each page as she observed what it depicted in the park. Then, before we left, we were to return the booklet to get her ranger badge. Tessie was beyond excited.

When we woke up this morning it was foggy and wet. There was a fine mist hanging in the air, and the wetness crept up on us. One minute we were dry, and the next we were soaked. We didn't let it stop us from exploring a lava tube, however, and Tes lead the way, invigorated by the rain forest around her. She asked questions and soaked up new information like a sponge. It was like watching someone fall in love.

After we decided that we'd had enough hiking in the rain, we headed back to the visitor's center to get Tessie's badge. Nick and Christian waited in the car, as we girls went inside. There were hoards of tourists surrounding the rangers, so we had to wait for a while until we were noticed. Tes was so patient, I looked down at her holding her little booklet, and filled with pride. When the park ranger saw her he motioned her over to his desk and took her booklet, going through each page and asking questions about what she had seen. Although Tes got a little shy, she answered most questions quietly, looking to me for a few answers. She told him about seeing the lava the night before, and her excitement was obvious. The ranger then filled out a certificate with her name, and have her an official junior ranger badge. Tes practically vibrated with excitement as I pinned it to her sweater. He then asked her to raise her right hand, which she did enthusiastically, and repeat after him. After I sat next to her and whispered along with her she repeated, "I, Tessie Streit, promise to leave only footprints and take only pictures. I promise to continue to learn, and to share what I learn with others." The ranger then announced her over the intercom as the newest member if the junior ranger team. Everyone in the visitor's center clapped, Tessie just grinned, and I thought I had never seen anything so beautiful.

The Nature Day

To me, childhood is about exploration and imagination. It's about magical worlds that exist only for you. My childhood took place almost entirely outside. We didn't have television, and so our days were filled entertaining ourselves. Growing up in Hawaii, there was no change in season to drive us indoors, and so we played year-round in nature's playground.

This is not the case for my kids. I struggle constantly with how much TV is too much, and how to motivate my kids to entertain themselves in the age of instant everything. It is also challenging to find ways to get Christian enough outside play. I can't jut send him out to play, although I look forward to the day that I can. During the summer I try to get them outside as much a I can. In the winter, especially when temperatures don't rise above freezing for months, it's nearly impossible.

So you can imagine that one of my favorite things about bringing the kids to Hawaii, is getting them outside. We played outside all day long today. We drove to the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, and have been hiking around in the rainforest all day. Watching my kids be entertained by the outdoors was amazing. They didn't ask to put on a movie, or play on my phone. Instead they asked the names of plants, and listened to the birds.

The pinnical of our nature day came after dinner. We all ate hurriedly, and packed back into the car, to head to the main event; watching the volcano erupt at night. It was spectacular. What was just a plume of smoke during the day, was lit up and glowing red at night. The kids were in awe, as was I. Tessie has been talking about seeing the volcano for months, and it did not disappoint. She stared and stared, and made us stay much longer than we would have otherwise. Christian pointed and shouted "lava!" as soon as he saw it, and later added "it's so pretty."

It was the ultimate entertainment that nature can provide, and I feel like the kids appreciated that. Tessie especially understood that she was witnessing something very special, something many people will never see. As soon as we drove away she asked to go back first thing in the morning. We are staying in a cabin in the park, and so it was a quick trip back. I made up Tessie's bed, and she was snoring minutes later. It was a day we will never be able to top, and a beautiful one at that.

The Acrobat

Today was a perfect mellow day.  We reached that part of the trip when we stop feeling anxious about what's happening back home, and just sink into the moment that is happening now.  We came up to the farm to send off an important email, and then planned on taking the kids to do something fun.  It turned out that we didn't have to go anywhere.  We ended up laying in the grass under the orange trees, and watching the kids playing with my mom.  It felt like the first moment that we'd had without the kids crawling all over us.  It felt like vacation.

Tessie decided that it would be great fun to run sprints between us and my mom.  My mom was standing at the bottom of the hill, and we were at the top.  Tes was barefoot, and absolutely loving running in the grass.  She ran up the hill, arms flying, and crashed into Nick's arms.  Then she turned around, and ran down the hill to my mom, our shouts of caution following her.  With every run down the hill she grew braver, and we grew more concerned.  By the fourth run, she was sprinting.  When she was about half way down the hill, Nick called out to her to be careful.  Before the phrase was completed, we watched in slow motion as her feet left the ground.

She went straight forward, head first.  Her momentum was such that she did a full flip.  At one point she was completely upside down.  Her feet were pointed to the sky, and only the top of her head was making contact with the ground.  She was facing back towards us, her eyes as big as saucers.  That moment seemed to last an eternity.  Then she was on the ground, screaming, and I was racing down the hill to scoop her up.

Amazingly, the screaming only lasted a few moments, then she was running around again.  The only thing she had to show for her aerobatics was a small red scrape on her forehead.  I have never seen anything quite so spectacular, and I hope not to again.  Even though it was a little terrifying, it was also simply beautiful.

The Joy Ride

When I was little, my Papa, my mother's father, used to take us on adventures all over the farm. Most memorable were the rides on his three-wheeler, with my mother chasing after us, yelling at him to slow down. My Papa passed away when I was ten, but today I got to watch what could have been a scene from those days long past.

My kids got to play on several of my uncle's farm vehicles today. One was his four-wheeler, and one was a supped up cross between a four-wheeler and a golf cart, dubbed "The Mule." At first, the kids just sat on the four-wheeler and Christian pretended to drive. "I'm going as fast as I can!" he called out to me. They thought that was tons of fun, but they were in for an even bigger treat.

My Uncle Tommy came driving up on the mule, and took them, and my mom, for a quick ride around the farm. The delight on Tes and Christian's faces was priceless. I just beamed as I watched them drive past. I think my Papa must have been smiling at them too. What a beautiful little joy ride.

Rollin, Rollin, Rollin...

Most babies roll over around four months old. Most babies. At two and a half years old, Christian still hasn't really rolled over all on his own, aside from a couple of isolated incidents during therapy sessions. I feel this has been one of the biggest and most frustrating hurdles that he has faced. It seems he has been on the verge of a break through for about a year. Today he made a big step towards independent movement.

Nick was playing with Christian on a bed on the front porch. He was trying to get him to roll accross the mattress to knock over a bottle of sunscreen. With a little assistance, he did it a couple times. Then, while I was in the house, I heard Nick cheering and calling my name. I ran out to see Christian and Nick smiling triumphantly. Christian had just rolled across the mattress, without any assistance from his dad. While I was watching, he did it again, and again. Every once in a while he would ask for help, and when Nick placed his finger on his side, or held his hand, Christian would roll over. Nick didn't actually aide in any way, other than giving Christian a confidence boost. It was amazing.

The problem has always been that Christian gets stuck on his shoulder, and can't figure out how to push up onto his forearms to get over that one hurdle. Today it seemed he finally got it, and he looked so strong!

In the past I may have posted "He's finally done it!" but I know better now. This doesn't mean that Christian will be rolling all over the floor tomorrow. What it means is that big things are coming. If we keep working hard, and he keeps feeling confident that he can move himself, then his progress will start to accelerate. And maybe soon, he wont be so frustrated when a toy is out of reach. No matter what, watching him rolling today was so beautiful, and I will never forget it.

The Rock Phone

All children love to play "telephone." No matter what the object is, a child can make it into a phone. Christian is no different. He loves to talk on pretend phones. He even pretends to text people, mainly his therapist, and will use anything from a calculator, to a hairbrush. If you give him a real phone, with an actual person on the other end, he just smiles and breathes heavily into the mouthpiece. Go figure.

Today I witnessed one of his greatest phone conversations ever. He was standing in his car on the beach, and my mom was sitting next to him. She was picking up cool rocks to show him and one in particular caught his eye. It was a big, flat, white rock. Christian immediately put it to his ear, and said hello.

Without skipping a beat, my mom found a rock at her feet, and answered his call. "Hello, my name is Christian." he said into his rock. "Hello, my name is Tutu." my mom answered. They said the same thing back and forth three or four times. Then Christian was silent. Finally my mom asked if he was still there. Christian turned to look at her, still holding the rock to his ear, and said "It's ringing." What a beautiful little goofball.

It's Not Time To Get Out!

The surf was big today, and the wind was howling. It was not an ideal day for the kids to swim. So, as a form of distraction, we loaded up the kids and ran some errands in town. By the time we got home, they were begging to get in the water. Conditions weren't great, so we held them off as long as we could, but we finally had to give in.

After giving them a stern warning that they absolutely had to listen to us, we trekked down to the water. The wind had died down, and it was actually quite pleasant. The water, however, was freezing. This did not deter the kids from their mission in the slightest. Tes marched right in, and Christian was held in turn by Nick and then me, so he could jump in the shallow water. As soon as we tried to set him down, he would wail that it was too cold, and we would pull him back up again. Not so great for our backs. It got even better. While I was snuggling him, trying to give my back a break, Christian peed all over me. I was still wearing my clothes from town, and was not pleased at having to change them. I decided to just give up and put on a suit, and swim with my family in the freezing water for a few minutes before dinner.

It soon became apparent, by the blue lips and shivering children, that it was time to get out. Tessie sighed dramatically, but trudged out of the water anyway. Christian wasn't having any part of it. As soon as I said we were leaving he started to whimper, "It's not time to get out." By the time I was walking on the beach, he was screaming in my ear, enunciating each word clearly, just to be sure I understood exactly what he meant. "IT'S. NOT. TIME. TO. GET. OUT!" Even though this kind of behavior usually makes me furious, I just smiled. I looked back at Nick, and he was smiling too. If I have to put up with a little screaming as a result of having a boy who loves the ocean that much, I'll take it. As far as I'm concerned, it was the most beautiful tantrum ever.

My Sleeping Monsters

All day long, I felt like I was fighting my kids to do anything. Eat, sleep, go for two seconds without screaming at me. Tes got better as the day progressed, but Christian really worked me. For every sweet moment, he gave me ten brutally painful moments. It was a hard day to be a mom.

Of course, it doesn't help that the moment we went on vacation, both my kids got sick. They have one of those no fever, lots of snot, and bad mood all around colds. so basically, the wait it out cranky-fest. I lost my temper so many times today, I was starting to wallow in self loathing. Not a fun way to feel on vacation.

After dinner we decided to give the kids, and ourselves, a break by putting a movie on the laptop. Our beach house is off the grid, so there is no power without the generator, and we are on full techno-detox. The laptop was charged up, however, so we took advantage of it, and let the kids zone out.

About twenty minutes into the movie, Nick signaled to me, and pointed to Tessie, who was sound asleep next to her brother. I smiled. Christian was still sitting up tall, and thoroughly enjoying his movie. But as the minutes progressed he sunk further into his pillow, and his eyes got heavier. No matter how tired he appeared, he hung onto consciousness fiercely.

I finally decided to try putting the kids to bed. This would involve moving a very strung out boy, and trying to undress Tes, put her in a pull up, and them put her pajama bottoms back on. Considering the day I had, I wasn't looking forward to it. I turned off the movie, and braced myself.

Christian looked up at me with the saddest expression and said, "Is it time for bed Mama?" I nodded and picked him up. He started to protest weakly, but gave up, and by the time he was on his bed, he was asleep.

Getting Tes ready for bed was like dressing a rag doll. She flopped around, limp as could be, and never woke up. Finally, I had them both in bed, sound asleep. I stood back and stared at my two sleeping monsters. I guess that after the day they gave me, I was owed an easy bedtime. What a beautiful relief.

The Hermit Crab

As a child, one of my favorite things to do was to search for hermit crabs. For those of you who don't know, hermit crabs are tiny crabs who borrow the discarded shells of other crustaceans. Once they have grown too large for a shell they leave it behind, and search for a new place to live. When I was little, there was no creature that fascinated me more.

There is a tide pool in front of our beach house that is teaming with hermit crabs. You can take your pick from hundreds of different sizes and shapes. I used to carry a bucket down to the tide pool to collect pets for the day. After creating an underwater oasis for them with sand, rocks and shells, I would watch them scurry around, then let them back into the rough water they loved. Today I was struck with the genius idea of introducing my children to the joy of hermit crabs.

I climbed down to the familiar spot, and selected one I thought Tes would think was pretty. I then carried it over to the kids and announced that I had a surprise. Tessie had her kick board with her in the water, and I placed the hermit crab on it. The kids held still, as I advised, and watched the little shell. Then, just as they were loosing interest, the shell quivered, and two pincers poked out. Soon the entire front of the crab followed, and it began to scurry away.

I was a little worried that Tes might balk, or even get scared. Instead I was very happily surprised, when she asked to hold it. She giggled as it tickled her palm, and looked up at me with absolute joy. It was like looking at myself, twenty seven years ago. Who knew something as small as a hermit crab, could inspire such beauty.

The Fruit Pickers

Today we stopped by the home of one of my aunties, to visit and pick up some stuff for the kids. She very generously loaned us some car seats, toys, a booster seat, and other items she has collected for when my cousins visit with their children. She even loaned us their old SUV for the duration of our trip! What excited my children most, however, was that I had told them my auntie had fruit trees in her yard.

All day today, Tessie and Christian have been picking fruit. The idea of pulling a banana or an orange right off a tree, and them popping it in their mouths, was nothing short of amazing. Tessie even brought over her "fruit bag" to my aunts house, so she could add to her collection.

We walked into the backyard, and there to greet us was the most bountiful tangerine tree I have ever seen. The kids were overjoyed. Tes was a little hesitant about pulling down the fruit, but Christian, who was perched on Nick's shoulders, started picking with gusto. He reached as high as he could, and pulled with all his might. He finally got one, and before we realized it, he was chewing his way through the peel. We laughed as I pulled the bits of peel out of his mouth, and explained that the good part was inside the peel.

When the kids were sufficiently sticky, we packed up our loot, and said goodbye. I love it when my kids have a chance to see their food come from somewhere other than a store. Today they harvested it first hand, and got a real taste of Hawaii in the process. It may have been a fun experience for them, but it was wonderfully beautiful for me.

Coming Home

We had an incredibly long day.  Our day started at about 6am, when we woke up and started loading the car up to head to the airport.  Everything went smoothly, and we were through security and sitting at our gate in no time.  We looked at our smiling kids, and wondered if the happy mood would last for the next thirteen hours of travel.

It turns out that they did extremely well.  The last time we flew with them, they were both under two, and so they both sat in our laps.  This time, they each had their own seats.  I had some reservations about how well it would go, especially considering that when I bought the tickets, Christian was barely even sitting.  I was very pleasantly surprised by both of them.  Christian sat, all by himself, for all three flights.  Tessie read, colored, and even beaded a necklace.  The only hard moment came during our descent into San Fransisco, when all of our ears were threatening to explode.  There may have been some screaming at that moment, but I couldn't hear anything.

We finally arrived at our destination, and stepped into the warm, humid night air of Kona.  My Aunt picked us up, and the kids both fell asleep before we had gone more than a mile down the road.  We pulled up to my Aunt and Uncle's house, and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of contentment.  I brought the sleeping kids in, and put them to bed, then looked around the familiar house.  They live in the house that my parents built when I was a baby.  The house is filled with furniture my father built, the wallpaper in the bathroom is exactly the same, and my height is chronicled on the kitchen wall.  I sat on the couch with a beer in my hand, and smiled.  Coming home is a beautiful thing. 

The Shower

We are staying with my parents for a couple of nights before our flight, which leaves tomorrow morning.  One of the best things about visiting my parents, aside from getting to spend some time visiting, is that there are a lot of extra hands for holding children.  And this usually results in a little bit of alone time for me.  I was lucky enough to find some of this time today.

I have been a little stressed with all the packing and planning, and I don't handle stress well.  Unfortunately, I feel like I take this stress out on my children.  I am too quick to get upset over minor issues, and raise my voice, which I absolutely abhor.  All this negative energy makes me feel like a terrible mother, and a far less than stellar me.  So this morning I made a wise decision, left the kids with their father and grandparents, and ran away to take a shower.

As a mom of two young children, showers are not what they once were.  First of all, they are not nearly as frequent as I would like.  More often than not, I am simply washing my hair by leaning over the edge of the tub, and running back downstairs to check on the kids, suds still in my hair.  If I am fortunate enough to have time for an actual shower, it is usually very fast, and not relaxing.  I was not going to take that kind of shower today.

I got the water very hot, and didn't get out until it was cold.  I slowly shampooed my hair, and then conditioned it even slower, a step I usually skip to save time.  I shaved my legs meticulously, going over every spot at least twice.  I scrubbed and scrubbed, until my skin was red.  Then I just stood there, and let every worry I could spare, run down the drain.  This might not resonate with you if you aren't a mom, but this kind of a shower, rare and precious, is truly a beautiful thing.

The Power of a Song

Today we were finishing up packing for our trip, and trying to clean our house before we left.  Our plan was to leave the house an hour or so after lunch, so we would hit the road at nap time.  It was a good plan, but well laid plans never go, well, as planned.

We finally ended up on the road, two hours later than we meant to.  Luckily, the kids were in great moods, but I have come to recognize these types of moods as the calm before the storm.  Sure enough, we had been driving for about fourty five minutes, when Christian went from happy to insanely mad.

We tried calming him down by talking in soothing voices and sushing him.  It didn't work.  He kept screaming and was obviously exhausted.  I decided to try one last thing, and asked him if he wanted to hear a song.  Through choked sobs he said yes, and I started to sing.

Music can get through to Christian like nothing else. The moment I started to sing, he stopped crying, but when I reached the end of the song, he picked right up where he left off.  I quickly began another song, and this time Tessie joined me.  By the third song, Christian's eyes were drooping.  Tessie finished the last song with feeling, and by then her brother was sound asleep.  After a while, she finally fell asleep too.

Christian almost woke up twice, but as soon as I started to sing he closed his eyes.  After a stressful morning we were counting on the kids to nap in the car.  When it didn't seem like that was going to happen I almost lost it.  I'm glad I chose another route.  The power that music has over my children is really a beautiful thing.

Packing Light

Tonight’s entry is short, but sweet.  All day I have been preparing for our vacation that we leave on tomorrow.  We are going to stay with my parents for a couple nights, then it’s off to Hawaii to visit the rest of my family.  I haven’t been back home in two years, and I miss it terribly.  Packing is always the hardest part, because we usually stay for about a month.  I always end up packing tons of stuff, and wear the same three pieces of clothing for the whole trip.  Today I examined my options, made some cuts, and got my selections down to the bare necessities. 

When Nick got home this evening, he started sorting through all his stuff.  First he gathered all his fishing gear, then he started in on his clothes.  He was almost finished when I peaked over his shoulder at his pile.  I smiled, then pointed out my smaller pile, and probably looked pretty smug.  I have never, not once, packed less than Nick.  I think he is still sorting through his stuff.  Simplicity is pretty beautiful.

To Infinity...

About a week ago, I saw a flyer advertising that a local restaurant and bar in town was going to be showing “Toy Story” on a big screen.  They show a movie every Friday, for free, and I had been curious about it, but now we would have to go.  I showed the flyer to Christian and Tessie, and they both exclaimed that they wanted to go.  As the day drew nearer Tessie became more, and more excited.  And today it was all she could talk about.  Christian, who hadn’t been as obsessed, started to get into it as well, and by the time I picked them up from school, they could barely contain themselves.

We loaded them up in the car and started towards the restaurant, all the while Christian held tight to his Buzz Lightyear action figure.  He kept repeating over and over, “I’m so excited!  We’re gonna see Toy Story!”  You would think it was their first time seeing it, instead of their hundredth. 

I had promised some friends at a restaurant nearby, that I would meet them for a drink, so Nick took the kids in, and I joined them after the movie had started.  I ordered my food, then made my way through the dark movie room, to where Nick and the kids were sitting.  Tessie had a friend with her, and she gave me a smile when I sat down, but that was the only acknowledgment I got.  I sat next to Christian, who was in his booster chair eating a hamburger.  He looked up at me, and gave me his “I’m so happy to see you” smile, but instead of asking to sit in my lap, he pointed to the screen and said “Buzz mama!  Buzz!” 

For the rest of the movie, he clapped and laughed, pointed and called out “Buzz, where are you?” when Buzz went missing.  He had a blast.  When it ended and the lights came on, he clapped and turned to me, joy plastered across his face.  “That was a good movie mama, lets watch it again!”

He fell asleep in the car on the way home, but woke up as I carried him in to his room.  I took off his clothes and put him in his favorite jammies, which are Buzz Lightyear jammies, of course.  I tucked him in and asked him which song he wanted me to sing.  Big surprise, he asked for the Toy Story song.  So I started to sing “You’ve got a friend in me...”  He closed his eyes, still smiling.  What a beautiful night.

The Placard

For sometime now, I have been dealing with parking and hauling children and gear the way that everyone else does, as just one of those things you deal with.  It has been getting harder and harder, the bigger and no-more mobile that Christian gets.  Many people suggested that I get a handicap placard for my car, since Christian would definitely qualify for one, but I didn't think that was fair.  Christian still had me, and I am more than capable of walking across a parking lot, no matter what, or who, I am lugging along.  It has always bothered me when people who don't need it, park in a handicapped spot anyway, and so I held out longer than I should of.  Slowly, I began to realize that I might, in fact, be wrong.

Now that Christian is more mobile in his walker, we have been trying to have him walk in it as much as possible.  This summer, I took the walker with me whenever we went to places that Christian could use it, the park, play areas, we even thought about taking it to the movie theater.  He also uses it every time he goes to school.  The only problem with that strategy was parking.  I would often have to park far away from our destination, and Christian would be worn out before we made it in.  Or we would park somewhere with gravel, or some other ground cover that made it difficult, or even impossible for Christian to use his walker.  We would finally make it to the front of the building, and I would glance at the empty handicapped parking space, and feel rather foolish.

So recently, I finally began the process of getting a placard for my car.  It didn't seem too difficult.  I had to get a form from the DMV, have Christian's doctor sign it, and turn the form back in.  Should be simple right?  The first step was getting the form at the DMV.  I waited for a day when the kids were in school, and got ready to wait in line.  Luckily, I only had to wait about twenty minutes, not my worst time at the DMV.  When I finally got to the counter and explained I was applying for a placard, the woman behind the counter pointed to a rack by the door and said "They're over there."  So it turns out I had wasted some time, but worse things have happened.  I hurried over to get Christian's doctor to sign the form, which miraculously, she was able to do right away.  I was on my way back to drop it off, and called to make sure I didn't need anything else.  It turns out that I did; I needed Christian.

The DMV had to take Christian's picture to have on file, since the placard was for him.  Well taking Christian to the DMV sounded like absolutely no fun, so I put if of for weeks.  Today  I decided to suck it up, and get it over with.  I had both kids with me, and so I came prepared.  We had snacks, drinks, toys, and coloring books.  It was quite a process just to get them in the door and situated with all their distractions.  And then, just like that, it was my turn.  I handed in the form, and she asked me to take Christian over to the chair you sit in to have your driver's license picture taken.  He looked so tiny, and his head barely reached the top of the chair, but he sat there all by himself, like such a big boy.  He even looked right at the camera, with a big smile, and said "Cheese-a-muh-weeze-a!"

All I had to do was sign a paper, and we were done.  It took longer to get the kids and all their accoutrements loaded back up, than it did to get our business concluded.  Just before the DMV worker had finished entering all of Christian's information, she double checked to make sure I wanted a permanent placard.  I looked over at my big guy, sitting in a chair all by himself, and said "Sure, but I don't think we will need it much longer."  She just checked the box on the form, and handed me my paperwork, not understanding the significance the moment held for me.  So now Christian doesn't have so far to walk, but like I said, I don't think we will have to worry about it for long.  The day I don't need the placard, will be beautiful indeed. 

Sharing

Our kids are really into playing games on our phones.  I have to give them limited time that they are allowed to play, or they would just stare at a screen all day.  It amazes me that they are so adept at operating an iPhone.  Even Christian knows how to open the game he wants to play, or even close it and watch a movie on the Netflix app instead.  The one benefit that my husband and I both agree on, is that playing games on the small screen seems to have helped Christian’s dexterity in his fingers.  He also sits up very tall, and uses both hands to play, so there is actually some therapeutic benefit to it as well.  Who knew?  There is, however, one major problem with the kids playing games on the phone; getting them to take turns.

We are big believers in sharing.  Yes, it might be easier to let them each play with their own device, but where is the challenge in that?  Instead we have decided to force them to better themselves, by taking turns, and not complaining about it.  Sometimes, complaining can turn into all out screaming about it, but we believe it is worth the lesson in the long run.  This evening, we told the kids they could play while we were making dinner, if they could take turns.  They preceded to wow us.

Christian got the first turn, and had a little bit of a hard time handing the phone to his sister, but did so with no tears or yelling.  After that they did great.  We had to remind them when their turn was up, and there were a couple of mumbled complaints, but all in all it went pretty well.  When I announced dinner was ready, they handed over the phone and came to the table, and I heaped compliments on them.  I was very impressed by their ability to share, score one for the parents.  What a beautiful moment.

The New Game

Today I played a new game with my son.  It is easy to get into a pattern of play with him, but, unfortunately for Christian, this pattern is usually not beneficial to him.  It is sometimes easy to forget that he is a two and a half year old, and he often gets treated more like an infant, because of his physical limitations.  Today we played like he had no limitations, and he surpassed my expectations.  It made me question everything.

We played a very simple game.  Christian knelt against the arm of the couch, and pretended to sleep.  Then he would pop up, yell “I’m awake!” and I would act surprised.  This is a very simple game, I know.  And one many people might think any two year old would play, so why make a big deal of it?  The big deal is that Christian has never played a game with me in which he had so much control over his own body.

For Christian to sit in a kneeling position prolongedly, is a big deal.  For him to push up from leaning on the couch in this position, to kneeling while holding all his weight on two straight arms, is a very big deal.  He did that over, and over again, all while smiling and laughing.  And he did it without ever noticing that he was working as hard as I have ever seen him work at anything.  In fact, the part of the game that he had the most trouble with, was closing his eyes while he was pretending to sleep, because he was having so much fun.

I had an incredible time playing with my son on the couch today.  It filled me with joy, and also made me question everything I have previously thought about him.  I think I push him, but do I really?  Do I have a preconceived notion of what he is capable of?  Am I holding him back by helping him at a pace he is ready to move past?  These are important, but dangerous questions.  There is a fine line between motivating Christian, and setting him up for failure.  But I don’t want to sell him short, either.  Today I saw a glimpse of strength that I didn’t know was there.  I think the important thing is not to focus on if I have been holing him back from that strength, but on how to find more of it.  No matter what, my son is incredible, and his beauty will never cease to amaze me.

The Sausage Night

When I met my husband, I wasn’t a big meat eater.  Don’t get me wrong, I was far from a vegetarian.  I still ate plenty of chicken, and as far as I’m concerned, anyone who doesn’t eat bacon is just plain crazy.  But I basically ate no red meat.  This started in high school, when I befriended our steer.  I come from a long line of cattle ranchers, and every year we raised a steer to slaughter for meat.  But when I turned sixteen I, of course, fell in love with the steer, and simply could not eat him.  Fast forward a few years, to the early stages of my relationship with my future husband.  I didn’t even eat beef, and he hunted. 

At first, I stuck hard to my guns.  I never cared what other people ate, but I wasn’t going to betray the memory of my beautiful steer.  But then one day, he convinced me to try some elk jerky he made.  Well that ended my long strike, I was definitely a carnivore again.  Before long I was ordering bloody steaks, and eating any game Nick brought home, although it took me years to try rabbit.  For years, everyone has joked that Nick converted the vegetarian.  No one ever paid attention to the fact that I was never a vegetarian to begin with.  But tonight, I was truly amazed at how far I have come.

Tonight, Nick and I made elk sausage, which we always do when he or his dad gets an elk.  The difference tonight, was that we made links, which we have never done.  The kids were fascinated, and begged to watch before reading books for bedtime.  As the meat squeezed out of the grinder and into the pork casings, Tessie squealed with laughter, and Christian joined in.  They thought it was wildly entertaining. 

Once we got them to bed, I joined Nick, to try and speed up the process.  It took a few tries, but I finally got the hang of it, and I must say that my sausage links were absolutely perfect.  When we finally finished the last link, we lay them out on the kitchen counter to dry.  I stood there and stared at the state of my kitchen.  Never, in a million years, would the girl who clung to that steer, begging her parents not to eat him, have believed this sight.  But here I was, staring at my counters covered in drying meat, proud as could be that my husband and I made all this beautiful food.

Napping Together

Nap time today was a little late.  Christian and Tes were playing in their room with Nick's dad, and when I went in to put them down they were both in very silly moods.  I was able to convince Tes to go to the potty, but even though Christian was already in bed, he was far from falling asleep.  He was laying in bed, pretending to snore, with a very goofy look on his face.  I pulled his blanket up and told him it was nap time now, not play time.  "Don't wake me up mom, I'm sleeping." he replied, smiling.  Pretend napping and real napping are usually mutually exclusive, and I closed the door with little hope that Christian would fall asleep.

Tes was finished on the potty and, just as I was about to take her upstairs for her nap, she announced that she wanted to nap with her brother.  My first instinct was to say no, and we got in a little argument about it.  The kids never nap in the same room, and I knew that in the mood they were in, they would just giggle and laugh, and not sleep.  Then I would be dealing with cranky kids when I was trying to cook dinner, and my whole evening would be a mess.  (I don't know where Tessie gets her flair for the dramatic from.)  When I said as much to Tes, but she promised she would be quiet, and begged to nap with her brother.  That's when it hit me; I'm lucky they want to be in the same room.  I'm lucky they want to spend every waking second together.  Why was I picking this battle?

I warned Tes that we had to be quiet, and we tip-toed back into the kid's room.  Of course, Christian was still awake.  I tucked them both back in, and gave them the warning that they had to sleep, no talking.  They both repeated it back to me, and I left the room.  As soon as I shut the door, I heard them giggling on the other side, and whispering to each other.  I fought my need to open the door and shush them, and decided to just let them enjoy each other.  In no time at all these moments would be gone.

So I made peace with the fact that I would have a hard evening, in exchange for some sibling bonding time, and went back to cleaning the living room.  After a while, I realized that I hadn't heard any sounds coming from the bedroom.  I pressed my ear against the door, and didn't hear a peep.  They were both asleep!  Either that, or they had strangled each other, but I wasn't going to risk it by checking.  They both slept for over an hour, and for once, so did I.  I guess, without meaning to, I made the right parenting choice, and it was a beautiful one indeed. 

Proper Motivation

I can think of nothing I would like more, than to see my son move on his own.  This is the primary focus of his therapy sessions.  We have been working on crawling for a long time.  It took Christian ages just to be comfortable on his tummy.  Then we had to work on his arm strength.  He can now lay on his tummy, while pushing up on his forearms for quite sometime.  We have also been working on him shifting his weight from one arm to the other, by having him reach to point at books.  The trick is always to find the proper motivation.

Today Christian was working on army crawling with his physical therapist, and we finally found the perfect motivation.  At first he was crawling across his mats to a toy drum set, and doing a pretty great job.  Right now, the extent of his crawling is scooting very slowly on his tummy, while someone behind him moves one leg at a time forward.  He makes very slow progress, but he is improving. 

We got the idea to film him, and then let him crawl to my phone to press play and watch the movie.  That did it.  He pushed up farther than I have ever seen, and pulled himself forward faster than he ever has.  I was amazed.  He was just happy to get to the phone, and watch himself.  “I’m crawling momma!” he said happily as he watched it playback.  I can’t wait until he is really zooming around, but for now, a little scooting is pretty beautiful.

My Multitasker

Two years ago, for Christmas, Tessie received a play kitchen and a lot of play food to go with it.  She has enjoyed playing with it, and it has always lived in her room.  Several months ago, Christian discovered the kitchen, and has become more and more enthralled ever since.

At first, it was a problem when Christian wanted to play in the kitchen because we had to stand behind him and hold him up.  He got frustrated and mad when he couldn't reach all the shelves, or when he dropped food.  But still, he continued to ask to play in the kitchen.  Finally, we had a stroke of genius.  We attached a small booster seat we had, to one of Tessie's little chairs.  All of a sudden it was a whole new ball game.  Christian could sit at the kitchen and "cook" to his heart's content.

Lately, he has been asking to cook more and more, and will sit at his kitchen for ages, happily making lunch for everyone.  It has started to aide in his therapy as well.  We place a basket full of kitchen items to one side, so he has to bend over to pick something from the basket, then sit back up tall.  Then he will reach to open a cabinet or the toy microwave.  His reach and core strength is improving every day.

Today Christian told me he wanted to cook, like usual.  I got him in his chair, and set up his area.  He was happily playing for quite sometime, when I heard him start to struggle.  I walked into the bedroom just in time to see him reaching with all his might, trying to get something at the bottom of his kitchen basket.  I was just about to offer to help, when he started to right himself.  When he was finally sitting straight and tall, he had a huge smile, a spoon in one hand, a pear in the other, and an onion ring in his mouth.  He was so proud of himself for solving the problem of how to pull out multiple items, that he didn't stop smiling for hours.  Not only is the kitchen helping Christian get stronger every day, it has turned him into a beautiful little multitasker.

The Eagle

Today I had a long to-do list.  I was a pretty good way through it, thanks in part to a lot of help from my husband, when it was time for the run to the dump.  The car was loaded, one child was napping, the other was quietly watching movies, I had the grocery list in my pocket, and I was ready to go.  I got less than a mile from my house when I realized I had no idea where my dump punch card was. 

I did a mental check of my car, then decided to pull over to double check.  Our house is in a small neighborhood, surrounded by national forest.  By the time I pulled over, I was already away from any other houses, and next to a large field.  I glanced into the compartment where I usually keep my punch card, saw it wasn’t there, then something caught my eye.

My attention was drawn to a large group of birds, mostly magpies and crows, just to the side of my car.  There, in the midst of the other birds, was a huge golden eagle, looking right at me.  I had never seen an eagle in the wild this close before.  He was absolutely gorgeous.  He started at me for several moments, during which I was completely frozen, then he opened his very impressive wing span, and sprung into the air. 

I often forget things.  This is definitely not the first time I have turned around to head home.  This is, however, the first time that forgetting something has given me such a special gift.  Seeing that eagle take off was amazing, and something I will never forget.  It turns out that my forgetfulness today was the key to discovering something truly beautiful.

The Do-It-Yourself Day

A few days ago, in the middle of a laundry marathon, my washing machine gave out.  I was lead into the laundry room by a slight burning smell, and discovered the washing machine had come to a full halt, and was full of water.  It being the evening before New Year’s Eve, the broken washer had to wait.  Now that the holiday was past, it was time to address the broken appliance.

I called a repair man this morning, and chatted about the cost of a visit, and a possible repair.  We said we would talk it over, and maybe call back.  After much deliberation, and talk of expense, we decided to give it a go ourselves. 

Our guess was that the water pump needed to be replaced, because the water wasn’t draining.  We searched online and found the right part, and then proceeded to take our washer apart.  We successfully drained it, and got the hoses to the pump unhooked, when Nick spotted something poking out from under the washer.  He pulled out a very shredded belt, and solved the mystery of the broken washer.

After a long and rather difficult trip to find a replacement belt, Nick returned home, and we proceeded to attach our new belt.  Just as we were about to reattach the hoses, I noticed something funny about our pump.  There seemed to be a pink mass inside the pump.  Nick reached his pinky in, and pulled out a very wet, pink sock.  So it turns out I solved the mystery after all.

We reattached the hoses, threw in a small load, and gave it a test run.  Perfect.  Our mountains of dirty clothes could finally subside.  Theoretically, that is.  We saved ourselves a lot of money, learned some new skills, and proved what a great team we are.  All in all, I'd say our do-it-yourself day turned out beautifully.

One of the Guys

Today was the perfect day for some driveway sledding.  We had some friends over, and all the kids were excited to play in the snow.  Unfortunately, as often happens with large groups of young children, it took a long time to get out the door.  The process of gathering snow gear, layering kids, and putting on boots and jackets, took forever.  Christian sat on the couch and watched the whole process.

At first, he was patient and satisfied to simply observe the dressing frenzy.  But after about ten minutes of being ignored while I searched for lost boots and mittens, he began to get restless.  Luckily for me, one of Tessie's buddies came to the rescue.

This little boy is five and a half, and Christian adores him.  He has always been very sweet and gentle with Christian, bringing him toys, and making him drawings.  Today he climbed up on the couch, sat next to Christian, and gave him a lesson in big boy silliness.

I looked over to see the two boys laughing hysterically, and hitting themselves in the bellies.  When I asked what they were doing they said they were "punching their guts!" this was immediately followed by giggles from Christian, and lots of punching their tummies. They moved on to smashing their brains, which Christian found even more hilarious.

Christian is definitely a guy's guy, even at this age. He think farts and burps are comedic, loves getting messy, and would probably be wresting his sister constantly if he were able.  Seeing him just being one of the guys, gross games aside, was pretty beautiful.