What a Mom's Gotta Do

After Christian woke up from his afternoon nap, I took him straight outside.  I am trying to make an effort for more outside time, and less T.V./couch time.  This can be pretty tricky, especially when Christian is still waking up.  He started to fuss as we were sitting down next to the river, and asked if he could play on my phone.  I started to refuse, but foresaw the giant fit that was sure to be thrown, and gave in.

He sat in my lap, happily playing a game on the phone, while Tessie danced around us.  I leaned back, and watched hummingbirds speeding by, and the light bouncing off the water.  After a while, I told Christian it was time to let Tessie have a turn on the phone.  He gave it up with very little objection, and Tes took pictures of us and the trees.  Christian and I looked for fairies, he spotted one in the water and said it was an "Incredible Fairy."  We sang songs and blew on grass blades.  He was enjoying the backyard without even realizing it.  I felt triumphant, and beautifully sneaky.  But hey, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. 

Tessie's Photo

A Beautiful Reminder

Today was a gorgeous day.  After months of being indoors, and spending too much time in front of the television, I was eager to get the kids outside.  With Tessie, this is easy.  I tell her to go play outside, and she does.  She runs around the yard, she climbs on her play structure, and she throws stones in the river.  I watch her from the kitchen window while I load the dishes, or from the living room while I'm picking up toys.  It is what is supposed to happen.  With Christian it is a whole other ball game.

My need for Christian to be outside is even stronger than with his sister.  He has spent way too much of his nearly three years in front of the television, and I just want him to be digging in the dirt.  This is much easier said than done.  Last summer, Christian was happy to sit in the grass, or in my lap, and be an observer.  This year, he wants to move.  He wants to run around the yard, explore, go fishing, play in the sandbox, go down the slide, and swing.  And he wants to do it all at once, not unlike most boys his age.  The problem is that he can't.  He isn't physically capable of doing any of those things on his own, I am his means to any end, and it is incredibly frustrating for both of us.

After being outside for ten minutes this morning, he was already getting mad because I wasn't keeping up with his two year old whims, my back was killing me from hunching over to help him walk around, and a resentment was building inside of me that made me feel like a terrible mother.  Nick came outside, and I asked if he would take over while I ran to the bathroom.  Before I was even halfway up the stairs to my bathroom, tears were streaming down my face.  I sat down on the toilet lid, and sobbed.  My body shook with enough hurt and frustration for both my son and myself.  I couldn't stop the sorrow from overflowing, and I had to let it run it's course.  I finally gasped for air, my grief spent, and I wiped the residual tears from my eyes before heading back outside.

Every once in a while the unfairness of this situation and the impact it has on our lives hit me all at once.  I see Christian's friends running around, as carefree as an almost three year old boy should be, and I have to choke down the anger bubbling up inside of me.  I just want to see my son doing the same thing, that's all.

Later on in the day, Christian asked his dad if he could go fishing.  Nick took him down to the river to get set up, and I wandered down to join them after a while.  I found Christian sitting in his sled, holding his Dad's fly rod, and grinning with unbridled pleasure.  He was fishing his heart out, albeit without a hook, and having the time of his life.  He didn't need to be standing, or walking for that matter.  He didn't care that this wasn't how other kids his age fish, this was what he knew and it was absolutely alright with him.  In that moment, I was reminded not to put my expectations of happiness on my son.  What I think should be happening and what is happening might be two very different things, but I can't compare them constantly.  I will only be setting myself up for misery.  I need to be reminded of this occasionally, and see that Christian's life, although hard in some ways, is actually incredibly beautiful.

For the Love of Brussels Sprouts

I have been lucky that my children have always been good eaters, no matter what I give them, they have never complained or refused it.  That is, until recently.  Lately Tessie seems to have completely lost her appetite for dinner.  She will take a couple of bites, or sometimes none at all, and then declare she is full and ask to be excused.  Christian will eat, but it soon turns into a game of "how far can I throw my food before anyone notices."  And as soon as Tes declares that she is done, Christian does too, even if he is still shoving food in his mouth.  It has been a bit of a problem.

Nick had a long day today, and I wanted to make him a really hearty meal.  I was pretty sure that my efforts would be wasted on the kids, but my rule is that I don't make special dinner arrangements for them, they eat what we eat.  Even if they don't really eat, I'm trying to take a stand.  I made balsamic glazed pork chops, roasted brussels sprouts, and baked potatoes and onions.  It looked fabulous, and I couldn't wait to dig in.  I made up the kid's plates, and announced dinner was ready.  Both kids started eating with enthusiasm.  I hardly breathed, least I jinx it.  At one point, Tessie looked up and said "These brussels sprouts are delicious!"  She ate everything on her plate, and had a second helping of potatoes.  Christian didn't do much worse, eating all of his meat, and most of his veggies.

I happily served them both ice cream after dinner, making sure to let them know how pleased I was that they ate all their food.  I can't believe that they decided this was the meal that they had to lick their plates for.  I mean, really?  Brussels sprouts?  I think they are delicious now, but there was no way to get me to eat them as a child.  I've decided not to question it further, and just pretend that it's because of my amazing parenting skills.  Either way, a love of vegetables is very beautiful indeed.

Finger lickin' good

Born to Fly

I just got the kids to bed, and I am exhausted.  Tessie was great today, in fact, most of the day she was simply radiating brilliance.  Christian, on the other hand, was difficult to the full extent of the word.  Every transition to a new activity was like pulling teeth.  I couldn't get him interested in even doing his favorite activities, like wrecking block towers, or sitting outside in the grass.  At dinner he was behaving so badly that we had to send him to his room while Tessie got desert.  Not how I like to end the evening.  There was one moment, thank goodness, in the middle of the day that made the rest almost bearable.

We went to the park after lunch, all four of us.  Christian wanted to go straight to the swings, so that's where we took him.  For ten or fifteen minutes he was grinning from ear to ear, sailing through the air like he was born to fly.  With every push he squealed louder, and I felt lighter.  We couldn't help but feel his exuberance and joy.  There is something about the swings that takes away all of his frustration and anger.  When he is going higher and higher, he is just a two and a half year old boy, with a love of all things physical and dangerous.  When he was hard on me during the rest of the day, I thought back to Christian flying through the air.  The image if my blissfully happy son kept me from completely wanting to kill him several times today, and that is a very beautiful thing. 

The Toothless Beauty

Childhood is filled with many milestones, all of which seem momentous at the time, and some of which are long forgotten by the time we reach adulthood.  One of the biggest milestones any child will reach is loosing their first tooth.  About a week ago, Tessie woke up and announced that she could move one of her teeth back and forth.  I tried not to flip out on front of her, and had her show me the tooth in question, then hurried away to call our dentist.  Luckily for me, seeing as it was 7:30 am, our dentist just happens to be Nick's step-dad, and so early morning phone calls about his granddaughter are welcome.  He assured me that although it was definitely early, most kids loose their first tooth around age six or seven, it was nothing to worry about.  Some kids just loose teeth at a younger age, Nick's sister did, and I shouldn't worry.  Tessie quickly swept me up in her excitement, and after her Grandpa had a good look at the tooth, we all kept close tabs on it's progress.

Today, the tooth was especially wobbly, and I expected it to fall out at any moment.  It hung on all day, but we had a big surprise at dinner.  Nick and I had a sales meeting at the shop tonight, and the kids came along.  We set them up with pizza and a movie, and we worked on the other side of the shop.  The kids were happily munching and watching their movie, when I walked over for my first check in.  Tessie looked up at me and smiled, and I noticed something missing.  Her tooth was gone!  She hadn't noticed yet, and when I asked where her tooth was her eyes grew as wide as saucers.  After a quick check on her plate and the floor I realized where the tooth must have gone.  She swallowed it.

After all the build up and talk of leaving her tooth under pillow, there was no tooth to leave.  I was worried that Tes would be devastated, but she was so excited about the new hole in her mouth, that she didn't even care that there was no tooth to go under her pillow.  On the drive home I kept catching her staring at her reflection in the rear-view mirror, sticking her tongue in the gap between her teeth.  Once home, she finally became concerned that she didn't have anything to barter with the tooth fairy for treats.  She wanted to write a letter to explain her predicament, and asked me to help.  The letter was lengthy, and it took her a long time, but she went to bed happy, with the letter under her pillow.  I hope the tooth fairy doesn't disappoint my toothless little beauty.

Time to Connect

I just got home from a date, not with my husband, but with one of my best girlfriends.  Nick came home from work, and then sent me out for some much needed no-kid time.  My friend and I had nachos and a couple drinks, and didn't stop talking for about three hours.  We are actually neighbors, and so we see each other quite a bit.  But on those occasions, our children are always with us, and since they range in age from two and a half to almost six, we don't get in a lot of quality time ourselves.  Tonight, I kept marveling that we were able to finish conversations, trains of thought, and even just sentences, without being interrupted.  Yes, we talked about our kids, but we also talked about a million other things.  I really needed that time to connect with another woman, one who understood exactly what I was feeling and dealing with every day.  It was incredibly beautiful, and I hope we do it again soon.

So Beautiful

After you have been with someone for ten years, does some of the shine start to fade?  Does routine take over passion, and companionship replace romance?  I'd like to think not, and tonight I was proven right.  Tonight, despite my messy ponytail, the dirty dishes, and the piles of laundry, my husband looked at me with wide eyes, and said "you are so beautiful."

How he thinks this, I do not know.  I am constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and lets face it, I need to shave my legs more often.  The house is a wreck, the kids are screaming, and I'm an emotional disaster.  How would you handle that?  Well that's why I am feeling lucky tonight.  Despite everything I thought I would be, and everything I think I'm not, my husband sees me for who I actually am.  Everyday I question my choices.  The choices I make as a mom, a wife, and a woman.  Somehow, Nick sees past all that.  We have been together since I was twenty, and we have grown into the people we are today, together.  I guess it makes sense that he is able to recognize my crazy for what it is, and still see me for who I am, but it's hard to believe.  The fact that he can, is absolutely and undeniably beautiful.

A Tiny Moment

I am very pleased by seemingly small things.  The smell of rain in the cedars, the sound of my children talking in their sleep, a sip of wine after a hard day.  These are those seemingly small things.  I say seemingly, because if something pleases you, brings you pleasure, and improves your day in any way, is it really that small?  I had no big moments today, but I had lots of small ones.  Thank goodness, because they were surrounded by moments of grumpy, whining, or all-out-yelling-at-me kids. 

The one small moment that really stood out was after I made Tessie's bed.  I have been looking everywhere for a comforter or some kind of bed spread for her new big girl bed.  Every night, I have been spreading several of her baby blankets out over her, and by morning, none of those blankets are covering her.  Yesterday I finally found and bought her a new quilt at a second hand store.  I loved it right away, it's a vintage floral pattern, circa 1970.  I somehow managed to get all the stains out, and it looks brand new.  After I made up Tessie's bed I called her into her room to come see it.  She walked in with her eyes closed, which was ridiculously cute, and then opened them with a big show of flinging her arms back.  She gasped and said "I love it!" then climbed onto her bed and ran her fingers gingerly over all the flowers.  This was a very small part of my day, a tiny moment among hundreds of others, but it filled me with happiness, and that made it beautiful.

Hot

I have been slowly working on getting my vegetable garden ready, and I've been doing it in the unpredictable spring weather of Northern New Mexico. Some days have been sunny, although still cool, some have been so windy I thought Tes might blow away, and last week I finished putting my fence up in the snow.

Today, while Christian was napping, Tes and I headed outside to start painting the fence. It was a nice morning, but the day before had been a little cool, so I threw on jeans and a light sweater. Within fifteen minutes I was pretty warm, and in another ten I was hot. I hadn't been hot in so long that I actually enjoyed it. Standing in the sun was almost unbearable, but I pushed up my sleeves and kept working. I wasn't about to take the still heat for granted, not after so much cold and wind. When I worked my way into the shade I let out a sigh of relief, but it didn't take long to get back into the heat. After a long, cold winter, being hot was absolutely beautiful.

Alone Time

My kids weren't feeling very well today, nothing major, but under the weather enough to make it a tough day.  Luckily, I got them down for an early bedtime, and they fell into deep sleeps right away.  Nick is at a work function this evening, in the fishing world that means he is at the bar, and so I have the whole house to myself.  I picked up the living and dining rooms, started a fire, and put a load of dishes on.  Now the house is quiet and clean, and I feel like I can breathe for the first time all day.  There is something so special about having a little time alone.  I don't get it very often, and so I cherish it when I do.  I am already in my cozy pajamas, and I am about to pour myself a glass of wine, curl up in front of the fire, and read.  This might not seem like much to you, but to me, well I couldn't think of a single more beautiful thing I would like to do right now.

Two Is Enough

Although I love my children immensely, I have been known to complain, from time to time, that being the mother of two young children is unbearably hard.  I didn't think things could be more chaotic, or my house more of a disaster.  Today I took care of four children between the ages of one and four, and I have a whole new perspective. 

A very close friend of mine asked if I would mind watching her kids this morning, and I agreed right away.  Our children get along wonderfully, and have grown up together.  I assumed I would be worn out by the time reinforcements showed up, by I had no idea.  My kids were still asleep when their friends got dropped off, so for about a half hour it was a piece of cake.  Then Tes and Christian woke up.  I didn't sit down for the next three and a half hours.  I was running back and forth between the four kids, catching the one year old before he fell down the stairs, sitting Christian back up and handing him his dropped milk, reminding the two four year old girls to calm down before they hurt themselves, then soothing them two seconds later after they accidentally hit each other in the head, then running into the kitchen to stop the one year old again from slamming his fingers in a drawer. 

I should note, the kids were actually all on great behavior, and I was still fried.  They had a blast together, laughing, giggling, and leaving a trail of toys spread all over the house in their wake.  After two hours, I was pretty settled on convincing Nick to get a vasectomy.  My girlfriend arrived with lunch just in the nick of time.  We spent the rest of the day together, watching our kids and visiting.  I would watch her kids again in a heartbeat, but I think I will go in with a little more preparation.  If anything, I have a new appreciation for parents of four kids.  I think that for me, two is a beautiful number.

Proud

Tonight I got dressed up.  I'm talking a dress, heels, and even lipstick.  That's right, lipstick.  What prompted this get up?  I was showing support for my husband.  Nick is the president of our local Trout Unlimited chapter, a conservation organization that focuses it's efforts on rivers and trout.  Tonight was their annual banquet, and I went to support Nick and help sell shirts.  I love watching Nick in his element, he walked through the crowd, smiling and shaking hands, and I swelled with pride. 

During his speech I sat in the front row.  It was quite a treat for me to see him speak, since I am usually home with the kids during his events.  He is a natural speaker, and radiates charisma.  I was moved by hearing about all the hard work that he, and the organization, have done over the last year.  At the end of the night, although my feet were sore, my heart was full.  I feel lucky to be married to someone who I can admire for his accomplishments, and I stood by his side proudly as I said goodnight to clients and business acquaintances.  Watching him in the midst of people who look up to him and value his opinion on not only fishing matters, but major environmental political matters as well, was a beautiful way to spend the evening. 

The Nap

As a mother, sometimes I feel like I walk around in a perpetual state of exhaustion.  I yawn while drinking my coffee, while paying for groceries, in line at the bank, and I think I must even yawn in my sleep.  I am always going, always doing something.  Even on the rare occasion when I'm doing nothing, I am thinking of all the things I should be doing.  Raising two children who are less than a year and a half apart, seems like running a marathon everyday.  At least, I think so.  I don't have time to run, so I'm just guessing here.  There are days, when even after a full night's sleep, I feel like a zombie.

Today was one of those days.  Luckily for me, there was very little on the agenda today other than snuggling.  We had some friend's stop by for lunch, and by the time they left, I could barely keep my eyes open.  Nick was home for the afternoon, which was a special treat.  He took one look at my heavy lidded eyes, and said the most magical words a mother will ever hear; "I can watch the kids, why don't you go take a nap?"

I was up the stairs like I'd been fired from a cannon.  I crawled into my bed, and buried my head into my pillow.  I usually can't nap in the middle of the day, I get distracted by the noises of my children and the lists in my head, and end up just laying there until I give up on the whole idea.  If I do manage to fall asleep, I wake up groggy and disorientated, and the rest of my day is effectively ruined.  Neither of those things happened today.  I crashed almost immediately, and slept like a rock for two hours.  I awoke to the sounds of the kids and Nick downstairs, and slowly pulled myself back to the land of the living. 

The rest of the afternoon was a typical juxtaposition of fun, happy kids, and rotten little beasts who I didn't recognize as my own children.  While I was cooking dinner, and simultaneously trying to keep the squirts from melting down, I kept looking at Nick and smiling.  He gave me a wonderful, and very well timed gift this afternoon.  Who knows if his children would have lived until dinner without it.  All I know is that I got some much needed rest, and it was beautiful.

Just Like You Daddy

Nick and Christian were just sitting on the couch, waiting for Tessie to finish brushing her teeth so they could read books before bed.  While they were waiting, Nick asked Christian what he had done toady.  His response was "I went to the pool and went fishing and caught a really big fish.  Just like you, Daddy."  This is amazing to me on so many levels, but mostly because he loves his Daddy so much, that he made up a whole day, just to be like him.  Now that is what I call beauty.

Tranistions

Today I met the physical therapist from Taos Municipal Schools.  He will be working with Christian this fall when he transitions into the public school system. The purpose of the visit was for him to get to know Christian a little, and see what he is doing in terms of movement.  It was strange for me to be talking to someone about Christian's abilities, and what we are working on, instead of the other way around.  Christian has been working with his current physical therapist since we brought him home from the hospital at six weeks.  She is practically a member of our family, and Christian loves her unconditionally.  It is hard for me to imagine anyone else working with my son, when she is the reason he has accomplished so much, and is doing so well. 

It is also hard to start working with a new therapist, because he automatically assumes Christian is doing more than he is.  He asked about three times if Christian was crawling, like he just couldn't imagine that he wasn't.  It was a little heartbreaking to continuously repeat the skills Christian doesn't have, and I quickly tried to steer the conversation towards what he can do, although I also know it is important for him to understand exactly where Christian is in his development.  Overall though, it was a good visit, and Christian warmed up to the new therapist.

Change is always hard.  This is a big change.  It feels like a very big door is closing, and I'm not sure what we are stepping into.  Watching Christian today, I felt a little more at ease, knowing that it is possible for him to work with someone new.  I had always imagined that his current therapist would be the one who helped him crawl, pull up to a stand, and take his first steps.  It is strange to think of someone else doing those things.  Today I realized that the important part is not who he meets those goals with, but that he will meet them.  That will be the most beautiful transition of all. 

Forms

Today was a crazy day.  I spent the whole day running back and forth around town, filling out forms and filing taxes.  I ran errands for the shop, got Tessie to ballet on time, and remembered to pick up something for dinner.   It all got done, but I'm exhausted.   One of the highlights of the day was filling out a giant stack of forms for the school system (sense the sarcasm here.)

Christian is transitioning out of the early intervention program he has been a part of since we brought him home from the hospital, and will be continuing his therapies through the public school system.  This transition is filled with a lot of anxiety and a little fear for me, since it will be such a big change, and will most likely mean a reduction in the amount of services he will be receiving.  The forms today didn't help much, and at times they were downright tedious.  Often the questions were intended for much older children, and I wasn't sure how to answer them.  I did find a little silver lining in all the bureaucracy, however.

There was a section that asked about Christian's strengths and weaknesses, and I talked about how smart and imaginative he is, as well as how he struggles with frustration.  One of the questions asked "Has your child expressed what job they would like to have as an adult?  Does your child have skills already that will help them in a job for the future?"  I laughed out loud.  This was definitely one of the questions geared towards an older child.  But I knew the answer, and I filled it in.  "He wants to be a superhero."  Let them think I'm silly, but it's true.  And I think he will make the most beautiful superhero ever.

Good Behavior

My mom came into town tonight for a quick overnighter. We have had a crazy weekend, and I wasn't in any kind of mood to cook, so we decided to go out. I was a little worried that meltdowns were in the forecast, since the kids had had a late night, followed by a busy day, but I was happily surprised.

We had an absolutely wonderful dinner. The kids were on their best restaurant behavior, maybe ever, and we had a great visit with my mom. Christian was especially charming, making us laugh throughout the entire meal. Both kids were polite, and ordered their dinner with pleases and thank-yous. They were so good, in fact, that they earned a scoop of chocolate ice cream each.

Going out to dinner with the kids is risky. I can almost always count on one of them, if not both if them, having a melt down in the middle of the restaurant. Not only did we have an event free meal, but I got to talk with my mom about several topics. During dinner. Without being interrupted. Just so you know, that's unheard of. As we walked out of the restaurant, all smiling and full, I couldn't think of a more beautiful place to be.

Sleep Over

It is funny what happens as years go by. Friendships are stregnthened, tested, and sometimes become distanced. When kids come along, this pattern is never more true. Many of our close friends had babies around the same time that we did, but some of our closest didn't, and we naturally saw each other less. The paths we took may have taken us in different directions, but they did nothing to weaken our bonds. Tonight, we spent time with those friends. And it was beautiful.

Not only have we been separated by circumstances, work, and plain old scheduling, but we moved into homes in the two furthest from each other neighborhoods possible in our town. We have been talking about having a sleep over, which is the only practical way for us to hang out, for ages. Tonight, we finally did it.

The kids were so excited about the idea of a sleep over. First they watched a movie, and my girlfriend painted Tessie's nails. Hot pink with sparkles, of course. We put them in their jammies, and they couldn't wait to see the guest house where we would be sleeping. They requested that their auntie read them a book, and they never took their eyes off of her while she read. Now, they are sound asleep, and we are getting in a long overdue visit with our friends. I only regret that we waited so long, for such a beautiful night.

A Hard Day's Work

I spent all day today outside in my new garden.  Since this is our first year gardening, I am starting completely from scratch, and that includes a garden location.  After much deliberation, we finally settled on a big area on the north side of our house.  It's being on the north side is a bit controversial, but it is protected from the wind, and gets plenty of sun.  There were several things standing in the way of getting started.  The biggest, and first on the to-do list, was a large, overgrown tree, right in the middle of the future garden.  The tree was too close to the house for comfort anyway, and so it's fate was sealed.  Although it was hard to cut down a big beautiful tree, Nick got the chainsaw out, and down it went.  Then my work started.

Before I can plant a single thing, I have to build my garden fence.  There are too many little critters in our neck of the woods, and I want to be the one enjoying my lettuce, not them.  Before I could start on the fence, however, I had to get rid of the remains of the tree.  I spent most of the morning hauling giant branches across my yard, and before I started work on the fence, I was already tired.  The fence has to be buried, to keep the afore mentioned critters from tunnelling their way to my carrots and beets.  (I cannot help but picture Benjamin Bunny and Peter Rabbit having tea in my garden at this point.)  So out came the pick and shovel. 

For the next few hours I hacked away at the dirt, carving a trench around the perimeter of my soon-to-be-beautiful garden.  It was hard work, to say the least.  Though I didn't want to stop, thirst demanded I break occasionally, and it was disheartening to see how little progress I was making.  But I carried on.  Finally, it was time to throw in the towel (or trowel, rather,) and go pick up the kids.  I had one length of the trench dug.  No rails set, no wire buried.  Just the trench.  But I still felt exhilarated.  I stripped my sap and mud covered clothes off, and got in a hot shower, sore down to my bones.  It was the greatest shower I can remember having in ages.  There is nothing like a hard days work in the dirt, followed by a long hot shower, to make you feel like you have accomplished something.  I have a lot more work to do tomorrow, and I'm ready for it.  I think I will sleep beautifully tonight.

Fear

About two weeks ago, Nick became extremely alarmed about a growth on his cheek.  We thought it was just a mole at first, but after a lot of online research, the word melanoma entered our lives.  I love technology.  I am, in fact, an avid user of technology.  But I do think that there is at least one area of our lives in which there is too much technology.  That area is the medical world, specifically self diagnosis. 

I am in no way saying that I thought Nick got sucked into the self diagnosis spiral, there were very real comparisons that scared me beyond reason.  The night the scare came into our lives, Nick stared at his phone for hours, searching every online medical site available.  I lay next to him in bed, becoming increasingly panicked as the hours passed.  But I forced myself to stay silent other than to offer an occasional positive comment.  "I'm sure it's just a mole, even if it's something I'm sure it's nothing really bad, and catching it early is a good thing."  I fell asleep long before Nick.  I kept up my false pretenses for over a week while Nick was waiting to meet with a dermatologist.  Today, he finally had his appointment.

I had myself convinced that I thought it was okay, I buried any worry, and replaced it with optimism.  That is my job as a mom, after all.  But today, I was genuinely scared.  As I waited to hear from my husband, the fear and worry slowly took over, until I was actually envisioning life as a single mom.  Yeah, I may be a little crazy.  Finally, I got a text from Nick that read "I'm gonna live!"  He was still in his appointment, and we didn't get to speak for a while, but it turned out that Nick just had a cyst, not a cancerous mole.  I started to cry before I even finished reading his text. 

Fear is a powerful thing.  Fear, combined with too much information on the Internet, is dangerous.  When I applied all that to my husband, it was too much.  I couldn't picture Nick being sick with something I couldn't fix, it was beyond what I could handle.  Tonight I felt like we had missed a bullet, whether or not there was ever a gun pointed at us.  When it comes to your partner, no scare is a small scare.  And that made the good news more than just good, it was beautiful.

Simple Pleasures

Right now I'm sitting on my couch in my jammies, a glass of wine in my hand, and my husband on the couch next to me. The dishes are running, the kids are asleep, and Grey's Anatomy is on the TV. That's it. Simple, end if the day pleasures. And it couldn't be any more beautiful.

A Dip in the Tub

It is amazing how time can seem to stretch on forever during a crisis.  Even if that crisis only actually lasts for a few seconds.  This is never more true than when something happens to one of your children.  Tonight, during bath time, I experienced one of these moments.  It eerily echoed a moment from a few years ago, and yet it couldn't have been more different.  Let me explain.

Tessie hit most of her physical milestones at the later end of the spectrum, all except sitting.  The average child sits up at six months.  Tes was sitting well at five months, although she didn't crawl until ten months.  We felt so sure of her sitting skills, that at about five and a half months, I started bathing her without a bath seat.  Then one night, while I was bathing her, I watched as she tipped forward, her legs went out behind her, and then she was fully submersed, face down in the tub.  It felt like she was floating that way for an eternity.  I can still picture it, as clearly as if it happened yesterday.  In reality, it was only a couple of seconds before I scooped her up and out of the tub.  I must have screamed, because Nick ran into the bathroom immediately.  I was clutching her to me, soaking wet, and sobbing to the point of incoherence.  Tes coughed a little, and was barely crying.  I think she was more upset by me than by her dip in the tub.  Nick took her from me, and told me to calm down.  It took all night, with him repeatedly telling me I was not the world's worst mother, to get my heart rate back to normal.

Christian wasn't sitting well enough to get out of the bath seat until a little over a month ago, although that already seems distant.  He has been doing so well, that I almost feel confident enough to walk away from the tub.  Almost.  Tonight I was sitting beside the tub, letting the kids splash around before I scrubbed them.  Suddenly, Christian started to lean to one side.  I watched in slow motion as he slipped under the water, his eyes wide in surprise.  Again, it felt like I was glued to the floor for hours, watching my child floating in front of me.  I reached in and stood Christian up, and calmly asked if he was okay, told him to cough, and smiled back when he gave me a goofy grin.  "Whoa," he said "that was crazy!"

Seconds later, Christian was sitting back down, laughing and playing with his sister.  I couldn't help but compare this instance with the one I experienced as a new mother.  Not only was I proud of my son for being so tough, but I felt pretty tough myself.  Everything is different with the second baby.  Even a dip in the tub seems less like a near drowning, and more like, well, a dip in the tub.  Experience is a beautiful thing.

Follow Me, Mom

This afternoon I dropped Tessie off at ballet class, then met up with Christian's physical therapist in town. For an hour he walked in his "car" better than I have ever seen him walk. He even turned intentionally on his own. We walked up and down halls, played hide-and-go-seek, and even braved the spring winds outside. The wind proved too strong, and so we spent most of our time back inside. I felt such pride watching Christian cruising around on his own, with very little assistance.

It is hard not to get discouraged at times, his progress is very slow, and sometimes it feels like we have been walking up the wrong side of the escalator. Yesterday I took the kids to a birthday party, and left feeling incredibly sad. The party was for a boy four months older than Christian. The other kids, ranging mostly in age from two to six, were all running around and having a blast, but Christian was sitting with me on a swing, no kids his age anywhere near us. I ache at moments like that, wanting so badly to wave a magic wand and make it all better. I have to fight to keep a smile on my face, and not let Christian know there is a reason to be anything but happy.

Then we have moments like this afternoon in his walker, cruising around and having a blast. If I think of what he was doing a year and a half ago, then it's not so hard to imagine that in a couple of years, going to a birthday party will be a lot different for Christian. He will no longer be sitting in my lap, maybe I will even have lost track of him, and find him playing tag with the other kids.

These fantasies were all dancing across my vision as I watched Christian waking today. I clung to them like a life line, pulling myself out of the sadness I had been drowning in the day before. Christian walked ahead of me, radiating confidence and pride. Just as a wave of that pride rolled over me, he turned his head and called out "Follow me mom." He has never been far enough away from me to lead before. I can only hope that it is a sign of beautiful things to come.

The Plan

Christian did not go down easy for his nap today, and I did not want to risk waking him up.  So as soon as I closed the door to his room, Tes and I tip toed outside.  I took my tape measure, a pad of graph paper, and some yarn.  It was time to plot out the new garden.  Tessie and the chickens followed me around the backyard as I measured and roped off the garden area.  Lucy eventually joined in the parade, and between the seven of us, we managed to make a relatively easy job, well, not easy.  Tessie took over measuring for me, and scared the hens repeatedly by zipping the tape measure up too close to them, but all in all, everyone seemed to be having fun.

Once I had all my measurements, and I was happy with my plan, I sat down to draw it out.  Tessie abandoned her measuring job and wandered over to see what I was doing.  Inevitably, I had to run back in the house to get her her own graph paper and pen.  The two of us sat side by side, and drew out where to place our garden beds. Tessie was bent over her paper, focused on her task.  A light breeze was blowing her hair across her face occasionally, and she would reach up absently to brush it aside.  This project, our garden, is as much hers as it is mine, and watching her plan every little step with me, is truly beautiful.

Hard at work

Tessie's Plan

Something From Nothing

I have a very short tale to tell tonight.  I know that I just recently wrote about starting our vegetable seeds, but tonight's post is related.  I was watering the seedlings this evening, when I noticed little green shoots protruding from several different pots.  I couldn't believe it, and immediately called Tessie over to look.  We both leaned close, held our breath, and stared at the tiny plants, bursting through the soil.  Tes was beside herself with excitement, and couldn't wait to show her dad when he got home.  I know that this was what I should have expected to happen, but to be perfectly honest with you, it surprised me that I actually managed to make something grow from practically nothing.  Maybe my dream of a garden stands a chance after all.  What a beautiful surprise!

Family Game Night

I have always loved board games.  We used to play board games all the time growing up, and Nick and I played a ton before we had kids.  We still have a box in the garage full of board games like Scrabble and Monopoly, and they have been patiently waiting for us all these years.  We have been waiting for our kids to be ready for Family Game Night, and yesterday we decided Tes was ready.  I stopped by the store on my way home, and picked up Candy Land, the essential first game for every child.  Tessie was so excited to see the game, and we promised that we would all play after dinner.  However, we ended up having a last minute dinner with our neighbors, and so the game was put off. 

Tonight, we kept our promise, and set up the game.  Tessie literally jumped up and down for most of the game.  She couldn't believe it when she got to skip ahead to almost the very end of the board, and shouted "I'm winning, I'm winning!" with a triumphant look on her face.  Then the game turned.  She had to move backwards, and Christian shot ahead.  Her face started to fall, and I was worried she might get upset.  Christian won the game, and Tessie looked very confused.  She told us that next time she would pick cards that let her win, and we had to explain that in games there are rules, and you have to follow them.  We told her that sometimes she will win, and sometimes she won't, but it is still fun to play.  I don't know how much of that lesson she really absorbed, but it is a hard one to get.  No matter what, our very first Family Game Night was a lot of fun, and I see many more beautiful games in our future. 

Long Overdue

Today was my day to go to the dump.  Exciting, I know.  I don't look forward to dump runs, primarily because I carry all the bags in the back of my car.  That would be my nice, new car.  At least, it used to be nice and new.  As I pulled into the dump, a truck in front of me pulled up to a dumpster, and the driver got out.  Then I was in for a happy surprise.  The driver of the truck was  a good friend of mine, who I haven't seen in months.  We greeted each other with big smiles and hugs, and caught up with each other's lives, while we stood in the middle of the dump.  I had to laugh at the absurdity of our meeting place, given the fact that we have been trying to get together for so long.  Dump or not, it was a beautiful visit, and one that was long overdue.

A Beautiful Retelling

We have a very regular bedtime routine in our house.  Every night, after dinner, I give the kids a bath, get them in their pajamas, help them brush their teeth, and deliver them to their dad.  Nick usually reads the kids two books.  The rule is that they each get to pick one, although Tessie often picks one out for her brother.  Tonight played out in the usual way, but book time made me happier than usual. 

Tes picked out a dinosaur book for her brother, a good choice, and a Barbie Mermaid book for herself.  The Barbie book encouraged rolled eyes from both Mom and Dad, but Nick settled down on the couch between the kids, and dutifully took the book from Tes.  Then he started to read it, and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.  He started off telling the story of the mermaid "Fred" although he was quickly corrected by Tessie.  From there, he continued to take artistic license with the telling of the story.  The story was much more entertaining than the actual text, the kids thought it was hilarious, and I very much appreciated the new telling of Barbie the Mermaid, in fact, it turned out to be pretty beautiful.

Vegetables!

For months, Tessie and I have been talking about our vegetable garden.  We have been planning, researching, and imagining the possibilities.  For me, a vegetable garden represents so much.  It is a piece of my childhood, a way to get closer to nature, the best way to get organic veggies, and one of the greatest gifts I can think of to give my children.  I have been dreaming of what it will mean for them to grow and harvest their own food.  Today, we started the journey.

We had already been collecting seeds, but it was time to get them in some soil.  This is the part where I offer up a confession.  I know nothing about gardening.  For all my dreams of a gorgeous, prolific garden, I have absolutely no idea where to begin.  This is made so much worse by the fact that my mother is a genius in the garden.  She had the most amazing vegetable garden when we were kids, and now, even in the desert, her flower garden looks like a New Mexican Eden.  I have trouble keeping my house plants alive.  But in spite of this, I am determined to feed my family with food I have grown them.  That, and I promised my daughter...

So we stopped in at a local nursery for supplies.  Tessie was jumping up and down with excitement, and Christian thought if she was excited, he should be too.  We got a little advice, some seedling soil, and a few more packets of seeds, then headed home to get to work.  Christian had no interest in digging in the dirt, so Tes and I were on our own.  After a call or two to my mom for some advice, we got to it.  Tessie filled our little pots with soil, stuck our labels in, and, very carefully, placed the seeds in the pots.  The process was long, and she lost interest temporarily in the middle, but she came back around as I carried our future tomato, cabbage, broccoli, lettuces, arugula, and spinach to sit in front of a sunny window.  She watered, and hopefully didn't drown, each pot, then stood back proudly to examine her work.  After she had run back several times to see if they were sprouting yet, I explained we would have to wait about a week.  "And then we will have vegetables!" she declared.  I laughed and gave her a hug.  Our little garden is off to a beautiful start.

In Love

Today was a rather typical day in Mom Land. Unfortunately it leaned more heavily on the rough side of typical, than the pleasant. It was early afternoon, I was in the middle of a mountain of laundry, and Christian had just woken up from his nap. In an effort to stay away from the bad moods that had permeated the morning, I put a movie on upstairs for the kids, while I got Tessie's ballet stuff together. As it turned out, ballet was cancelled, but that's another story.

Christian was sitting next to Tes on the floor, something I am trusting more and more, and I felt enough confidence in his strength, to step out of the room for a moment. As I walked away, I told Tessie to keep an eye on her brother, so he wouldn't fall. I didn't think she could really do much if he did fall, but I knew it would make Tes feel good to have the responsibility.

I walked back into the room, holding Tessie's leotard and tights, and froze in my tracks. The kids were sitting next to each other, their heads leaned in close together, and Tessie had her arm around her brother, keeping him safe. They didn't budge when I approached. The morning had been filled with tantrums and frustrations, and as it turned out, the afternoon would too, but at that moment all was forgiven and forgotten. I was in love with how much they were in love, and it was perfectly beautiful.