The Final Post

Well here it is, my final post.  I can't believe that this beautiful year has come to an end.  What is my last beautiful moment you ask?  It's this; reaching the end of this amazing journey, and realizing that it is really only the beginning.  That sounds incredibly cheesy, buy it's true.  At the beginning of this year, July 1st 2012, I was in a very different place than I am now.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I felt like a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad me.  I wasn't giving any part of my life that I cherished, the time and attention it deserved.  And I was wallowing in that place of "badness."  I was unhappy. 

That is why I gave myself this project.  I needed to find a way out of my pit of despair, and back to the happy and optimistic person I really am.  I needed to regain that sense of beauty that I was missing in my life.  I feel, truly, that this project has helped me reach my goal.  I am in such a better place, and have a better understanding of what it takes to fulfill my life's roles in the way that I want.  I am by no means saying that everything is rosy and perfect, life is full of challenges.  I just think I am seeing them in a new light.

The way I am perceiving and processing Christian's disability is, perhaps, the most significant change of all.  There were moments over the course of these last twelve months, especially in the beginning, that I didn't think I could handle it.  Watching Christian struggle to achieve anything, has been the hardest thing I think I will ever do.  But somewhere in the last six months, maybe because I was forcing myself to find something good in all that struggle, I stopped feeling sad for him, and started feeling hopeful.  His strength of heart and character is the definition of beauty to me.

My relationship with my daughter was a mess when I started this project.  I felt like I was projecting all my frustrations onto her, and spending all my time being mad at her.  I think it is a little horrible that I had to make myself look for something beautiful about her, instead of just always being aware of it, but lets face it, being a mom is really hard.  Our kids test us to no end.  I fought my way out of the hole I dug with her, and although she still drives me up the wall on a regular basis, I don't take it personally, I am trying to stay calm, and it is working.  Her behavior has improved so much, and I can't wait to spend my days with her.  I can't believe I created such a beautiful creature.

I think at some point, I also started to let go of the idea that being a good mom, meant being super mom.  I felt inept because I couldn't spend quality time with my kids, keep a clean house, cook healthy meals, limit television time, spend time with my husband, focus on my art, or even shave my legs regularly.  I didn't understand how all of those things could co-exist, and yet I hung my happiness on achieving all of them.  But I have found that letting go of that need, has actually helped me get closer to all of those things.  I am not perfect, but I am also not going crazy.  At least not as much.  I am setting realistic goals, and letting everything else fall where it may. 

The other relationships I felt were suffering, my relationship with my husband, and with myself, I realize are ongoing challenges, but they are both in a very good place.  Without the support of my husband, encouraging me to leave my job last year, and instead seek happiness, is the reason I am in a better place today.  I consider myself lucky everyday, to have such a solid partner in life. 

I say it is just the beginning, because I will never reach the end of my quest to find beauty in every day.  I want to thank all of you who came along with me, and supported me this past year.  I hope that in some small way, I have inspired you to look for the beauty in your life, whether it is while dealing with a three-year-old's tantrum, struggling with your relationships, or in accepting your own imperfections.  I am happy with the result of my year's worth of journal entries and self reflection, it was a year well spent.  This has been nothing less than an amazing, and truly beautiful experience. 

A Perfect Moment

This evening we are having friends over for dinner, and I have been cleaning in preparation.  When Christian woke up from his nap, he was in a pretty crummy mood, and I was worried that his grumpiness was going to last all night.  But then Tessie walked in.  She usually can reach him when I can't, and it was no different today.  She suggested that they play on her bed, and Christian agreed enthusiastically.  I set him next to his sister on her bed, and they were chatting happily as I walked out of the room.

A few minutes later, Nick got home from work, and asked me where the kids were.  Motioning to him to follow me and be quiet.  We peered around the corner at our kids.  They were huddled together, playing a game, and whispering to each other.  In that moment, I felt like our world was perfect, and nothing could ever match it's beauty.

Walking and Riding to the Park

Our Friday morning routine usually consists of aquatic therapy at the town pool. Christian looks forward to it all week. Today, the pool was closed so we decided to meet his therapist at the park instead. We took Christian's walker so he could practice distance walking on the sidewalks. As I was loading the kids up I decided to put Tessie's bike in the car as well.

When we got to the park, I unloaded both the kids, and their respective equipment.  They set off down the pathway, side by side.  I felt a suddenly overwhelming wave of emotion.  For the first time ever, I followed my children into the park, having nothing to do with either of their mobilities.  They were chatting together as they strolled along, and it was absolutely beautiful.

Cool Kids

When I picked the kids up from school today, Tessie immediately put on her sunglasses, and so Christian wanted a pair too.  Amazingly enough, Tes had a second pair of sunglasses in the car, and so I help Christian get them on.  The two of them were quite a pair, sitting side by side in their car seats, with matching pink glasses.  I pulled out of the parking lot, smiling to myself at how ridiculously cute they were.  As we left, I turned back to grin at both of them.  "We're so cool!" Christian said, pleased with himself.  "You sure are, buddy!" I agreed.  "You're cool too Mommy!" he said, and since I was also wearing sunglasses, I assumed that was his reason behind the compliment.  But hey, I don't think my son will be calling me cool for much longer, so I am gonna take any little beautiful compliment from him that comes my way.

A Day Off

Since going back to work at our Fly Shop two days a week, I have found my time at work to be a bit of a day off.  Even though I'm working, it is so much slower paced than it can be at home with the kids.  It is also a relief to talk to adults a couple days a week.  I usually keep busy enough, that my role of mom all but fades away.  But today I got a message from the school that took me right back.  Christian's teacher sent me a picture of him during nap time.  He had wiggled his way off his mat, and was half way on the floor, sound asleep.  I instantly wanted to go pick him up, and snuggle with my baby.  So much for time off, but I'm a mom, and that always trumps anything else, even some preciously beautiful time away.

Lunch Date

After a very smelly, and not very pleasant trip to the dump this morning, the kids and I drove into town to meet up with Nick for lunch.  We don't go out to eat very often, and so the kids are always excited when we do.  On the way to pick up Nick they were discussing what they wanted to order for lunch.  Tessie decided she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and scrambled eggs, and so Christian promptly decided he wanted the same thing.  Of course.  he then listed the drinks everyone would be having.  He wanted milk, Tessie could have juice, "And you can have beer, Mom." he added.  Thanks buddy.

When we got to the restaurant and got the kids settled at our table, Nick and I both sat back and stared at them.  They were both grinning from ear to ear, talking away, not always to each other, and being basically the best kids in the universe.  In that moment I felt totally and completely happy.  I was overwhelmed with love for my family, these three people that I was fortunate enough to spend my life with.  I held onto that feeling with everything I had.  Moments that perfect deserve to be cherished, and recognized for the rare beauties they are.

Life With a Pixie

While Christian was napping today, Tessie and I decided to go gather eggs from the chickens, and pick a wildflower bouquet.  She pulled on her adorable polka dot boots, and we headed out.  I never get tired of watching Tessie interact with nature.  She is impossibly imaginative, and no matter what she is doing, you can see her mind working.  As I gathered eggs, she held the egg basket carefully, and gracefully.  Her flaxen hair floated around her face, and I felt like I could have been looking at a fair maiden in some historic novel.  As we walked around our yard, looking for wildflowers, she whispered under her breath, and I could only imagine what magical world she was walking through.  She selected each flower intentionally, and placed them in the basket gingerly, walking through the grass like she had wings.  I can't believe how lucky I am to share my life with such a pure, beautiful little pixie.

Swimming on Sunday

Today was one of those perfect days, that although very full, was also just blissfully perfect.  Our plans for the day included gardening, a birthday party at the park, swimming with our neighbors, and a movie in the theater.  Although it seemed daunting, everything slowed down in the middle of the day when it was time to swim.  Christian went down for a nap, and Tes, Nick, and I all jumped in our neighbor's pool.  That's right, our neighbors have a pool.

I was a beautiful day, and the water was perfect.  Tessie splashed around with her friends, alternating swimming around on a pool noodle and shooting us with a water canon.  It felt wonderful to stretch out and swim.  We all repeatedly made the comment that we felt ridiculously spoiled, but not even a little guilty about it.

It was finally time to get out, and get ready to head to the movies.  As soon as Tes got out she started shivering, but she still had a huge smile on her face.  The only way the moment could have been more perfect is if Christian had been awake to swim with us.  Well there's always tomorrow.  What a beautiful way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Swing With Me

Birthday party season is in full swing, and this evening we attended a party for one of Christian's buddies from school.  We are also friends with his parents, and so it was a fun party for the whole family.  I have a hard time with birthday parties sometimes.  All the kids are running around having a great time, and Christian is with me.  He is usually having fun, but I can't help but get bummed out that he isn't chasing the other boys around.

Our friends have a swing set, and I thought that would be a great way for him to interact with the other kids, but unfortunately, they didn't have a bucket swing, so I knew it wouldn't work for Christian.  But my realization was a little too late, and Christian had already decided he wanted to swing.  Full melt down mode commenced, and I frantically searched for a way out.  Then I saw the hammock.

I convinced Christian to calm down, and tried to get him excited about the other swing I found.  Within moments, he was squealing happily, bundled up in the hammock.  As I was expecting, Tessie appeared at my arm, wanting a turn.  But instead of getting out, Christian asked Tes to get in with him.  That was a little too risky of a situation for her, and she declined.  But Christian begged, and with a little convincing from me, she was in the hammock too.  It didn't take long for both kids to be having the time of their lives.  After a while, Nick came to relieve me, and since he provided a much crazier ride than I did, I was totally off hammock duty.  I couldn't walk away though, they were just too much.

Tessie, although coming out of her shell a little, was getting nervous when Nick swung a little too high or off kilter, and Christian just screamed for more.  My kids are a really good match for each other.  They both encourage the other to move beyond their comfort zone, and act as a support system when they do.  It is truly a beautiful thing to watch.  Especially when it is accompanied by insane giggling. 

My Garden Monster

My dreams of an abundant garden this year have, thus far, fallen a bit short.  Between being a mom, and, well pretty much just being a mom, I got off to a much later start than planned.  And so, here we are, nearing the end of June, and my tomatoes have been getting sadder and sadder, sitting in their pots.  Until today.  I finally finished my tomato bed today, and with Tessie by my side, we set out to put our suffering plants in the ground at last.

Tessie was in a flowing summer dress, which she saw no need to change out of, but did see fit to put on her boots, hat, and gloves.  She looked like something straight out of a Victorian garden magazine.  I just love her.  She stood patiently by, while I explained every step of what we were going to do.  When I said that I was going to crush up egg shells to put in each hole, she volunteered to do the crushing with gusto.  And she did.  She crushed shells, gingerly placed them in each hole I dug, and helped me place each tomato plant.  Then she spread straw over the bed like a blanket.

As I watered the now full bed, she watched me with the look of a proud mother cat, watching her kittens play.  I could hardly keep from laughing out loud.  As we walked in the house she said, "Now Mommy, make sure you water our tomatoes and take good care of them so they grow healthy and strong."  I sure have created a monster, but man, she is a beautiful monster, that's for sure.

No Going Back

The unthinkable happened today.  We were cut off from technology for almost an entire day.  Last night, a fiber optic cable that delivers Internet and cell service to our county was cut, and so our entire area went without modern technology for most of the day.  The Internet didn't work, all cell carriers were down, and some businesses couldn't even run a credit card.  I hurried in to work, worried that I would find a chaotic mess.  Luckily, it was business as usual.  My main concern, that our credit card machine wouldn't work, turned out to be an unnecessary worry, as it ran through the phone line.  Although we had very little business, apparently people were in a bit of a crisis, we functioned just fine.  There were a couple issues I ran into.  I couldn't check any of our guiding schedules or book an upcoming trip, since all of our data is now online.  I was a little worried, but it turned out that I didn't even get any calls, since apparently no one owns a house phone anymore.  By the time the service was turned back on, I was getting used to the slower pace that a world without technology provides.  But just like everyone else, as soon as Wifi returned, I was on facebook quicker than you could say "Status Update."  As beautiful as a world without social media is, I am afraid there is just no going back.

New Entry

My mom is a gardening genius, as far as I'm concerned.  She can make anything grow anywhere, and her garden always looks exquisite.  I did not inherit her green thumb, and I am trying my hardest not to kill everything in my yard.  As a late birthday present, my mom came up for a few days to help me work on the garden in our entryway.  We had a crazy day of running all over town to the garden center and the hardware store, and even fit a barbeque in with our neighbors.  We ended up getting such a late start, that we finished planting and watering last night in the dark.  But it was all worth it this morning, when I left my house to go to work.  Our entry, although far from complete, looked amazing.  Most of the weeds were pulled, and there was a resplendent red rose bush in the center of the new entry garden.  What a beautiful way to start my day.

A Hard Day's Work

Nick and I have undertaken the task this year of thinning all the overgrown trees and dead limbs on our property. With conditions being so dry, and fire danger high, we are incredibly conscious of the danger of what is basically so much kindling around out house. Nick has been working incredibly hard to cut down and thin trees, while I have assisted in dragging them to a giant pile in our yard. We were intending to chip all the wood once it was piled, but our good intentions have not come to fruition. And what used to be fire danger spread all over our property, has turned into a big dry pile of fire danger consolidated in the front yard.

Several efforts to hire someone to haul it away didn't pan out, and we decided to take matters into our own hands. We borrowed our neighbor's huge trailer, Nick hooked it up to his jeep, and we began the laborious task of loading all the brush onto the trailer. 

Nick started around 8:30 this morning, and I joined him as soon as I had the kids fed and happily hanging out with my mom. It was beyond hard work. We piled the branches as high as we could, about ten feet high, and then strapped them down. Then Nick climbed on top of the precarious pile and jumped up and down to try and compact the branches. Then we repeated the process so we could fit as much as possible on one load. It ended up taking two loads, and most of the day, to get rid of everything. But when it was gone we looked at our empty front yard and breathed a huge sigh of relief. We hopefully made our home a little safer, and that is a beautiful thing.

My New Friend

Tessie has ballet every Monday, for forty five minutes. I usually drop her off, and then run some quick errands, before picking her up and heading home. Today, Christian and I stayed at the ballet studio and waited for her.

Tes walked into the studio, and we looked for seats. The summer program has a much smaller enrollment than the regular year, and so there are also a lot less people waiting in the lobby. I put Christian in a chair next to a boy whose younger sister danced with Tes, and I sat in the chair next to him.  Christian quickly became enamored of the older boy, who was going into middle school. They were both playing games on their mothers' phones, and Christian couldn't believe they were both playing angry birds. "Look mom," he said proudly.  "We're the same!" The young man was so kind and polite, he smiled at Christian and said "You're right, we are " 

The two boys bonded over games and movies. I was tickled pink. Christian hasn't spent much time around older kids, and I had never seen him so instantly attached to someone. He looked like such a big boy sitting next to his new buddy, and talking to him with absolutely no involvement on my part. 

When Tessie came out of class and I picked Christian up to leave, he protested loudly. "I need my new friend!" he wailed as we walked away. My heart melted as the young man came over to try to cheer Christian up with a high five and a promise to see him again soon. I mean, what kind of eleven year old boy is this sweet? Christian didn't stop talking about his new friend all night. I think this might be the begging of a beautiful friendship. 

Lions, Oh My!

We are extremely lucky to live in the middle of the forest. Our little neighborhood is a small pocket, surrounded by wilderness.  In the year and a half that we have lived here we have seen wild turkeys, elk, rabbits, a fox, a golden eagle, numerous birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and even pesky skunks and racoons.  I consider myself lucky to call these critters my neighbors.  But something happened tonight that put all of them to shame.  Tonight I saw my first mountain lion.  And he just happened to be walking across my front yard.

I have always wanted to see a mountain lion in the wild, but in that kind of way that you might want to witness a tornado.  Yes, it would be amazing and beautiful, but it's also terrifying and life threatening.  I never actually expected to see one, and not so up-close-and-personal.  I was just starting to cook dinner.  The kids were taking turns playing games on my phone in the living room, and I was peacefully chopping garlic in the kitchen.  From my kitchen I have a wide open view of my entire front yard, and as I was glancing up at the kids, something caught my eye.  For a brief moment, I thought it was my dog, but I quickly jolted to reality, when I realized there was a very large, very real lion, meandering across my driveway.

For a moment I was paralyzed.  I mean, there was an actual lion in my yard.  Then I ran to the window, heart pounding out of my chest, for a closer look.  Just as he disappeared behind a tree, I came to my senses enough to grab my phone from the kids to take a picture.  He reappeared in an open area of my yard, and although he was taking his sweet time, I almost missed him because my hands were shaking so hard.  But by some miracle, I managed to snap a few photos of the magnificent creature.  Thank goodness, I retained enough mental clarity to realize this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Tes, and I lifted her up to get a look, just as he was disappearing at the edge of our property.  "Wow..." she breathed as he slunk out of sight.

A little while later, as I was trying to regain my composure, Tessie walked up to me in the kitchen.  "Mommy, we are so lucky to live here." she said.  "I have seen so many wild animals!" and she listed all the animals she had seen since we moved in.  Through my terror, I was able to appreciate that she was right.  What kid gets to see all these wild animals, in their own backyard, and have the presence of mind to appreciate it.  I looked at my daughter in sheer amazement, and tried to absorb her calm.  She still wont be allowed outside for awhile, you know, on account that she may be eaten, but it was a beautiful sentiment.

My Little Artist

Even though I had a father's day art project planned for Tessie for weeks, we didn't get to it until today.  Last minute, as always.  Tes was very excited to get started, and waited with bated breath as I set up all the paints and brushes.  When I finally let her get started, she entered a zone, and I could no longer get through to her.  She started by meticulously choosing colors, and painting them in very particular patterns.  Then she started blending colors, and had so much fun, that before long she had blended all the colors on the canvas.  She worked with an intense concentration, paint smeared all the way up her arms, with a clear vision in mind.  I had a wonderful moment of feeling like I was looking in a mirror.  When she was happy with the paint, she wanted to add some petals that she had saved and pressed.  She laid them out with such care, and did a fabulous job.  I covered the whole thing with Modge Podge, and we hid it so Nick wouldn't see it it.  My daughter hasn't fallen that far from the tree, and that is a beautiful thing. 

Counter Space

This is kind of a follow up post to one a few nights ago.  I had another friend volunteer, of her own free will, to help me clean my house today.  Did I mention that I have really good friends?  We worked our butts off, and managed to keep four kids fairly entertained all day.  So my moment is very simple.  All of that work has paid off right now, as I am sitting in my kitchen.  I just looked around, and I see more counter space than I think I have since I moved in.  That is not just nice, it's a miracle.  And for this tired Momma, it is amazingly beautiful!

Mommy Zen

This evening, when I picked the kids up from school, all was going well until I put the kids in the car.  Christian saw this as an opportunity for a freak out.  He started to scream, and arched his back to try and wiggle his way out of his car seat.  I must say, forcing your child into their car seat doesn't exactly make you feel like a warm, nurturing parent.  Once he was in the seat, he continued to wail away, and I made my way around the car to make sure Tessie was buckled in tight.  I ignored the craziness on Christian's side of the car, and got in my own seat to drive us home.

I know enough to know when it is beyond my efforts to calm down a screaming child, and this was definitely one of those times.  Tessie, however, has not learned that lesson.  The poor thing was trying her hardest to get through to her brother.  She was talking to him in the sweetest, calmest voice, telling him that it wasn't nice to scream, and he was hurting her ears.  Although I warned her that he wasn't going to listen, she continued to try, and I saw the exact moment when her feelings fell victim to her brother's relentless screaming.  Then the perfect storm hit.

Both kids were wailing at their highest decibel.  The scene unfolding in my rear view mirror was unbelievable.  In the past, I have been known to handle these situations poorly, and have even joined them in their meltdowns.  Many times.  But not today.  Maybe I have reached a new level of Mommy Zen.  Maybe I have grown into a more mature adult, better able to handle high levels of stress.  Or maybe I have just already been to this rodeo.  Instead of loosing my cool, the first thought that popped into my head, was that I had to document this momentous occasion.  I snapped a picture blindly, holding my phone backwards, and lucked out with the most amazing image of what having kids really looks like.  Don't get me wrong, I am in no way being negative.  Because in that moment, I truly embraced what parenting is all about.  This ridiculous, insane, and horribly high pitched moment, made me love my kids all the more.  When I looked back at their red, weeping faces, all I could see was how beautiful they are.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.

The Illustrator

I was working in the shop today, selling flies and fishing rods, and feeling like an adult again, when two adorable children walked in with their dad.  As usually happens in this kind of a situation, I was immediately reminded of my children, and started to miss them.  The little boy and girl, who were a little older than my son and daughter, were visiting from out of town with their parents, and getting geared up for their first fishing trip.  I got them set up with gear, and as I was writing up their parents' fishing licenses at the counter, the little boy picked up a copy of the book I illustrated.

About two years ago I started work on illustrating a book, and it was published last spring.  We ordered about twenty copies, thinking we could sell them at the shop and at my craft shows.  To date, I have only sold a few, and all of them to friends.  When I am in the shop someone will occasionally pick one up, look at it, compliment my illustrations, then put it back down.  It has been rather frustrating. 

Today, the little brother and sister were immediately drawn to the book, and when I told them that I painted the pictures, they got really excited, and asked their mom if they could have it.  I expected her to make an excuse not to buy it, but she seemed almost as excited as they were.  Then the whole family asked me to sign it.  Of course I agreed, and felt extremely flattered.  As they walked out the door with my book in hand, I felt a renewed enthusiasm for my published works, and couldn't wait to tell Nick about my beautiful accomplishment.

Time Out For Mommy

I had a particularly rough evening tonight.  The kids were both in terrible moods, and were making it difficult for me to get anything done.  The entire time I was cooking dinner, they whined, yelled, and fought, and I got closer and closer to loosing it.  Nick called me on his way home from guiding a fly fishing client, and as I answered the phone, Tessie bumped her head on the dining table.  I could see that she wasn't hurt, and so gave her a quick hug, then walked away so I could hear Nick, and find out when my reinforcements would be arriving.  Tessie followed me, howling like a banshee.

I turned around and said, in a kind but firm voice, that I was talking to Daddy and I couldn't hear him if she was yelling.  Nick was in a low service area, and I knew I would lose him at any moment.  Tessie continued to wail, and so I tried walking into the next room.  My weeping offspring was close on my heels.  As I wandered from room to room, and her screaming followed me, I strained to hear my husband, and grew more furious by the minute.  At the exact moment I hung up, Tessie was silent.  I reined in my rage, and served the kids dinner.  Then I made a quick escape.

I poured myself a glass of wine, and headed for the garden.  The heat of the day had cooled into a pleasant warmth, and the sounds of the forest surrounded me.  I took about five minutes to water my plants, watch the evening sky turn pink, and calm down.  By the time I went back inside, I felt I had regained enough sanity to not kill my children.  They were happily eating and watching a movie, and I soon forgot I had ever been mad.  Sometimes, all a mom needs is a beautiful time out. 

A Reason to Celebrate

At bedtime, the kids usually each pick out one book for their dad to read to them before they go to sleep.  Tonight, Christian said he wanted me to pick out his book.  My eye fell on Where The Wild Things Are, and since today would have been Maurice Sendak's 85th birthday, I thought it was the perfect choice.  It is one of the kids' favorite books, and so they were very pleased.  I, being a bit of a nerd, saw it as an opportunity for a literary lesson.  I explained that the book had been written and illustrated by a man named Maurice Sendak.  We talked about the difference between an author and an illustrator, and that, although he had passed away, today would have been Maurice Sendak's birthday.  I could see that Tes was thinking very hard about something.  After a moment, she looked at me and said "But if he died then he doesn't have any more birthdays."  Nick and I smiled, and said that although he wouldn't get any older, today would always be his birthday.  She mulled that over, and then having come to a satisfactory conclusion, said "So even though he isn't here, we can still celebrate him on his birthday.  Right?"  We agreed, and Nick read them the book.  Sometimes I am blown away by how well my four year old can handle such complicated concepts.  She is so beautifully thoughtful, and I am blessed to witness that thoughtfulness.

My Vision

Despite all my good intentions, I have gotten a very late start on my garden this year.  I haven't given up though, and today I got the chance to have a good chunk of time to work alone in the garden.  I picked up the rest of the lumber I needed a few days ago, and so once I returned home from dropping the kids off at their Nana's house, I got to work.  It was a hot day, and so it was slow work.  I had to build five more raised beds, and level the ground for them to sit on.  My garden area is on a slope, and I have terraced my beds.  The overall effect is really pretty, but it is a lot of work for me.  Each bed is built, then dug into the hillside, leveled, and then I fill in the sides.  I had to take many breaks to sit in the shade and chug water, but I finally finished.  I still have to line the beds with wire mesh and fill them in with soil, but seeing them all built and in place was incredibly gratifying.  I can finally see the layout of my garden, and it is beautifully satisfying to see my vision realized.

The Angel of Laundry

I have never been very good at housekeeping. I want to be, I really do. And I try. But it has never been my forte. Having children simply exasperated a problem that was always there. There is one area in particular in which I really struggle. That area is laundry. Now some of you may be nodding, thinking you too share this same nemesis. But sadly, I think I probably have you beat. I've reached new heights in my mountains of laundry. I'm drowning. 

It has gotten really bad lately, I got a little bit more behind than usual, and I can't seem to find my way back. There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel, and then an angel appeared on my doorstep. 

That angel was a dear friend if mine, who I haven't seen in ages. We had a wonderful visit, and at some point I mentioned the mountains of laundry waiting for me upstairs. Before I knew it, we were upstairs, and she was directing me, in a very orderly fashion, and my mountain began to resemble a hill. She even got Tessie involved, and we smiled at Tessie's little pile of neatly folded shirts. 

She eventually had to leave, and I thanked her profusely for her help. She shrugged it off in a "what are friends for" kind of way, and we hugged each other goodbye. There are still a lot of clothes to be washed and put away, but thanks to the much needed help of a wonderful friend, I am that much closer to a beautiful end. Now for the kitchen...

The Fun

I can't stop thinking about one small moment from my day.  Christian was napping, and Tes and I were outside.  I was gardening and Tes was playing on the swings.  I would come push her until she screamed with delight, then let her "swing it out" which is what she says when she wants me to stop pushing and let the swing get slower.  I would walk over to the garden and work for a little bit, until I was summoned to push her again.  During one of these cycles, I was pushing Tessie and she said, "Sometimes, I'm having so much fun that the fun just comes through me and I scream Woo Hoo!"  I wanted to pull her off the swings and hug her.  In that moment, Tes completely summed up childhood joy.  What a wise, beautiful soul she has.

When Plans Go Awry

We had made plans this evening with two other families to have dinner and then go to the carnival.  Although I was extremely tired, I was excited to take the kids to the carnival, since they had such a good time last year.  I was looking forward to Christian getting to experience more this year.  He was pretty bummed about having to sit out some of the rides last year, and I couldn't wait to see his face when he rode in the cars like a big boy. 

But when we got to dinner, my energy, which was low to begin with, began to fade completely.  By the time Nick arrived, I was about ready to fall asleep.  And that is why I wasn't very upset to see a storm quickly closing in on the town.  We were sitting outside on the patio, and made a beeline for a table inside as the blowing dust hit, and rain drops started to fall.  We could no longer see the Ferris Wheel that had been clearly in our view moments before.  A quick consensus was met, to postpone the trip to the carnival. 

As I explained the change in plans to Tessie, I tried not to look too thrilled.  We came straight home after dinner, and now that the kids are bathed and in bed, I am ready to crawl under the sheets myself.  Sometimes, when plans go awry, it turns out beautifully after all.

Preschool Boy

After a two week break, the kids returned to school today for the summer session.  It was more than just a regular school day, since both of them moved into new classes.  Christian moved up from the toddler daycare into the preschool, and Tessie moved into the pre-k.  Both of their moves up seemed extremely significant to me, and signaled the transition into big kid land.  Christian would now have a real school day routine, and this would be Tessie's last year before kindergarten.  I started getting emotional, and actually had to wipe a tear from my eye.

Both kids were so excited to start school in their respective new classes, they have been talking about it for days.  As the three of us stood outside the school, and I took pictures of them, I felt overwhelmed by the speed at which time is rolling by.  I vividly remember the first day I brought them to daycare.  Tessie marched in boldly, but Christian clung to me, and we both cried as I walked away.  Today my children stood in front of me, radiating joy and excitement, eager for the day to start.  Christian smiled at me and said "I'm a preschool boy!"  My heart melted.  This will all be gone in a flash, and so I lingered with them before driving to work, trying to make the beautiful morning last as long as I possibly could.

Driving

We had a fun day today. The kids and I played outside for a long time, running around, swinging, and smacking on the back porch. The afternoon was even better. We surprised the kids with a trip to the movie theatre, something we hadn't done in a while, and they were super excited. The movie was great, and the kids were even better. I must say that they behaved like angels during the entire movie. But then it was time to leave.

Tessie and I took a quick trip to the restroom, and the boys waited in the lobby. On our way back to meet them I could hear Christian crying, and I thought he was saying "I need Mommy." But I soon realized he was saying "I need money to play the game!"  It turns out he really wanted to play a race car game, but since we were going home to have dinner, Nick  had said no. It didn't fly. 

We go the kids outside and into the car, and managed  to calm Christian down enough to buckle him in. As is often the case, Tessie was the one who got him back in a great mood. And she did it by teaching him to drive. She showed him how to hold his hands on the steering wheel, and how to turn it.  Before long, he was laughing and driving along with his sister. With three drivers to get us there, it was a beautiful drive home.
 

The Morning After

This morning I woke up, and breathed a sigh of relief.  The wedding had come and gone, and I had succeeded in helping my friend have a wonderful day.  Nick had to leave for work early, and so after breakfast, I packed up our hotel room while the kids watched TV.  When the car was finally loaded, it was time to say goodbye to the newlyweds.  They were beaming, and wrapped in the happy glow that comes when you have promised to love someone forever.  We hugged and kissed, and promised to talk soon, and then I loaded my little crew into the car, and headed home.  As we drove away, I looked back at my newly married friends.  They were leaning into each other, their hands interwoven, and their sleepy faces smiling.  I remember the morning after my wedding vividly, as if it were yesterday instead of nearly a decade ago.  I'm sure we had the same happy glow, and I know it's still there.  In that moment, they didn't know what the next decade would bring, but I had a pretty good idea.  If they are lucky, as I have been, then they have many wonderful days ahead of them, starting with this beautiful morning after.

Dance Party

Well the wedding went off without a hitch.  It was beautiful, moving, and fun, just the way a wedding should be.  The bride was stunning, the groom was moved to tears, and the flower girl was perfect.  If I do say so myself.  We cheered when they were announced as Mr. and Mrs. and posed for pictures until our cheeks hurt from smiling.  Dinner was served, I gave my toast, tears were shed, and the cake was cut.  Then it was time for dancing.

This was the part the kids had been looking forward to all day; the dance party, as Christian referred to it.  I twirled around with first Tes, and then Christian in my arms.  They squealed with delight, and I loved every minute of it.  Nick and I even got to dance to our wedding song, At Last, with our kiddos pressed between us.  It was one big ooey gooey love fest, and it was awesome.

After a while, Tessie wandered off to twirl in front of the photographer, and Christian wanted to dance on the floor.  I put him down with a little hesitation.  Usually, when Christian dances on the floor it isn't very enjoyable for me because I have to stoop over and hold him up by his arm pits.  My back starts to scream after about thirty seconds.  As I stood him up I decided to try to support him by holding his hands, something he doesn't really like, and so we don't normally do it, even though it is a lot easier on my back.  But something amazing happened.  Christian stood up straight, supporting all his weight on his own, and held onto my hands simply for balance.  I was so shocked at first, that I forgot we were standing on a dance floor.  Then I came back to myself and burst into tears.  Christian beamed up at me, and we danced, hand in hand, for the first time ever. 

Nick wandered over, and stared at us in disbelief.  Other people who knew our situation cheered Christian on, and he became the hit of the dance floor.  After a while, he began to bounce up and down, still supporting his own weight.  The tears were freely flowing down my face by that point, as I gazed at my son, filled with pride and love.  We danced, and danced, until it was time to put the kids to bed.  As we said our goodnights, Christian smiled at me and said "That dance party was so fun!"  As far as I was concerned, it was the most beautiful dance party I had ever been to in my life.

Practice Makes Perfect

The day before the wedding finally arrived.  All morning we hurried around, figuring out last minute seating arrangements, and order of events.  The bridal party and families of the soon to be husband and wife arrived, and we got ready for the rehearsal.  Tessie is going to be a flower girl, and so she followed me out onto the lawn to participate in the rehearsal.  After figuring out our placement and doing a quick run through of the procession, it was time to run through the ceremony itself.  Tessie stood by my side and watched her "Auntie" very closely while she held hands with her fiancé.  Suddenly, Tes turned to me with a very concerned look on her face.  "Mom," she asked in an intense whisper, "when are they going to kiss?"  I smiled and assured her it would happen soon.  After asking twice more, I could tell she was getting restless, when finally the moment came.  As the couple practiced the oh-so-important first kiss, Tessie clapped and cheered with a huge smile on her face.  As far as she was concerned that was the most important part of the entire wedding.  They practiced the kiss twice more, and each time, Tessie was delighted.  If you have to practice something over and over, I suppose it could be something less beautiful than a kiss.