The Final Post

Well here it is, my final post.  I can't believe that this beautiful year has come to an end.  What is my last beautiful moment you ask?  It's this; reaching the end of this amazing journey, and realizing that it is really only the beginning.  That sounds incredibly cheesy, buy it's true.  At the beginning of this year, July 1st 2012, I was in a very different place than I am now.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I felt like a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad me.  I wasn't giving any part of my life that I cherished, the time and attention it deserved.  And I was wallowing in that place of "badness."  I was unhappy. 

That is why I gave myself this project.  I needed to find a way out of my pit of despair, and back to the happy and optimistic person I really am.  I needed to regain that sense of beauty that I was missing in my life.  I feel, truly, that this project has helped me reach my goal.  I am in such a better place, and have a better understanding of what it takes to fulfill my life's roles in the way that I want.  I am by no means saying that everything is rosy and perfect, life is full of challenges.  I just think I am seeing them in a new light.

The way I am perceiving and processing Christian's disability is, perhaps, the most significant change of all.  There were moments over the course of these last twelve months, especially in the beginning, that I didn't think I could handle it.  Watching Christian struggle to achieve anything, has been the hardest thing I think I will ever do.  But somewhere in the last six months, maybe because I was forcing myself to find something good in all that struggle, I stopped feeling sad for him, and started feeling hopeful.  His strength of heart and character is the definition of beauty to me.

My relationship with my daughter was a mess when I started this project.  I felt like I was projecting all my frustrations onto her, and spending all my time being mad at her.  I think it is a little horrible that I had to make myself look for something beautiful about her, instead of just always being aware of it, but lets face it, being a mom is really hard.  Our kids test us to no end.  I fought my way out of the hole I dug with her, and although she still drives me up the wall on a regular basis, I don't take it personally, I am trying to stay calm, and it is working.  Her behavior has improved so much, and I can't wait to spend my days with her.  I can't believe I created such a beautiful creature.

I think at some point, I also started to let go of the idea that being a good mom, meant being super mom.  I felt inept because I couldn't spend quality time with my kids, keep a clean house, cook healthy meals, limit television time, spend time with my husband, focus on my art, or even shave my legs regularly.  I didn't understand how all of those things could co-exist, and yet I hung my happiness on achieving all of them.  But I have found that letting go of that need, has actually helped me get closer to all of those things.  I am not perfect, but I am also not going crazy.  At least not as much.  I am setting realistic goals, and letting everything else fall where it may. 

The other relationships I felt were suffering, my relationship with my husband, and with myself, I realize are ongoing challenges, but they are both in a very good place.  Without the support of my husband, encouraging me to leave my job last year, and instead seek happiness, is the reason I am in a better place today.  I consider myself lucky everyday, to have such a solid partner in life. 

I say it is just the beginning, because I will never reach the end of my quest to find beauty in every day.  I want to thank all of you who came along with me, and supported me this past year.  I hope that in some small way, I have inspired you to look for the beauty in your life, whether it is while dealing with a three-year-old's tantrum, struggling with your relationships, or in accepting your own imperfections.  I am happy with the result of my year's worth of journal entries and self reflection, it was a year well spent.  This has been nothing less than an amazing, and truly beautiful experience.