Dirt Under My Nails

Tessie and our new chicks.

Three months ago Tessie, Christian and I picked out four baby chicks from a local feed store.  We were very excited, although a bit unprepared.  We brought them home and set up a little temporary home for them on the dining room table in a box.  I should mention about now that my husband was, so far, unaware of this new addition to the family and as the hour of his arrival drew closer I found myself getting a little worried that I made this decision a bit hastily.  Nick and I are always on the same page.  We make sure that the other is aware of and okay with any big decision we make.  Poultry in our dining room was a pretty big decision. 

Luckily Nick handled the surprise gracefully.  “Don’t worry honey, I will take care of everything.  You won’t have to do anything but eat eggs!” I promised him.  I had every
intention of keeping my promise and I think Nick knew that too, but I tend to bite off more than I can chew.  So
inevitably my wonderful husband helped me build their coop and finished it for me for Mother’s Day.  But still my poor chickens lived inside the house in a cardboard box for two months.  I finally started putting them in the coop at night but they spent their days in a small portable pen because we had still not built them a run.  Today I decided to take care of it myself.

Laying out the frame.

I was very fortunate that my neighbors had a ton of scrap wood and chicken wire that they let me pick through, so my supplies were mostly taken care of.  The kids were in school for a full day today, so apart from a dentist appointment in the middle of the day, I would have the whole day to build the run.  Last night I told Nick I would have the run done when he got home and he gave me an “okay honey” smile. 

  I worked all morning making cuts with our chop-saw and digging the trench to bury the wire.  I showered, went to my dentist appointment, and then got back to my project.  As I
started back to work the skies darkened and thunder rumbled.  Drops started falling and I kept at it.  It rained for nearly an hour but eventually the skies cleared and covered in dirt and sweat I raised the last side of the run. 


I raced to pick up the kids, later than I ever have before, and raced back home to cook dinner.  When Nick got home I showed off my work, proud as can be.  I could tell he was surprised with what I had done all on my own.  I still have to put the top on and finish tacking down some wire tomorrow, but I feel like I have a huge accomplishment under my belt.

Half-way there.

Constructing a chicken run might not seem like the greatest of feats.  It is only twelve by four feet, but it represents more to me.  When I put my chickens in their run this evening I stood and watched them for a long time.  My muscles ached and I had dirt under my nails, in my hair, everywhere.  Watching the hens scratching in the dirt and exploring their new environment I was truly content.  Hard work is so worthwhile, and to see the finished product is so rewarding.  Today my moment of beauty was standing there, aching and exhausted, surveying my work.  I’m still smiling.

My hens in their new run.

Everyone Loves a Parade

It's too loud!

Christian watching the girls hug.

Look what I got!

As a child, parades were one of my absolute favorite things.  In the small town where I grew up, parades were a really big deal.  They seemed so magical and special to me then, and the feeling has stayed with me my whole life. 

Today was the annual Fiestas de Taos parade here in Taos.  For almost the last ten years we have been watching the parade from the front porch of our shop.  It used to be that it was all there was to do because the road is closed and the parade goes right past our shop.  But as the years have passed and babies have showed up it has turned into a fun tradition.  Today we had a lot of friends, family and tons of kids lined up along the front of the shop to watch.

I don’t know how much of the parade I actually saw today because I was basically staring at the kids the whole time.  As soon as the sound of sirens drifted down the road the kids all straightened up in their little chairs and craned their necks to see the police cars that signaled the start of the parade.  My friend’s two year old son shouted “It coming!” 

In the last couple of years Tes hasn’t been that into the parade, I think she was more excited about the party.  Last year was Christian’s first parade and I think I mostly kept him inside.  This year they were both really into it.  Christian sat in a little camp chair and watched with a very serious look the whole time, only getting really animated when the fire trucks drove past, and Tessie ran around with her her girlfriends, collecting candy and waving to the Fiesta Princesses. 

It was so fun to visit with friends and watch our children enthralled with the festivity of a parade.  Watching Tessie’s eyes sparkling with joy and the laughter just bubbling out of her I couldn’t help but feel like I was in the presence of true beauty.

A Small Moment of Wonder

I had a lot of beautiful moments today to choose from and had a hard time deciding what to write about.  Between Tes taking a mud bath while I was watering the yard, the kids telling secrets in the bath tub and Nick and Christian laying in bed playing a toy horn together, I was overflowing with beauty.  However, I must say that my absolute favorite moment of the day happened at the end of a baby shower.

Today I threw a shower in my home for a very dear friend, Leilani, who is due in early september.  Although I started the day stressed as I raced to finish cleaning my house and setting up the tables and chairs outside, once the guests arrived I fell into party mode and had a great time.  Tessie, of course, had a blast at the party.  She made four costume changes and twirled around the guests.  Bed time was late last night and so I was concerned that her behavior wouldn’t hold up, but she was a perfect little lady.  She was a great hostess to the other little girls at the party and had exquisite manners all day. 

As everyone started to trickle home, Tessie, Christian, the few remaining guests and I wandered down to the river to dip in our toes.  I loved watching Leilani, whom I met long before children, swing Tes through the water, her own growing baby anchoring her midstream.  We came back inside and said goodbye to the last of the guests and I got to spend some quality time with my friend. 

Christian was happily sitting on the couch having a snack but Tessie wanted to be part of our conversation.  She danced in front of us and talked about princesses and fairies.  Then the baby, who had been shy all day, started to make some big moves.  I called Tes over and watched her cautiously set her hand on her “Auntie Lani’s” belly.  Her eyes grew big and she looked at me.  “Did you feel the baby?”  She nodded and smiled.  Then the moment of wonder was over and she was back to dancing around the living room.

This small moment of quiet amazement as I watched my daughter marveling at a new life was magical.  She made a connection with that baby that was beyond what anyone else could understand at that moment.  Tonight as we were headed to the bath I asked her what she thought about feeling the baby.  “It was so cool!  I think the baby was dancing.”  I smiled.  How beautiful.

My Morning Snuggle

About six months ago we took Christian’s crib out of his room and replaced it with a queen mattress that we use as an impromptu guest bed.  The thinking was that it would encourage Christian to start moving more, ideally rolling over.  It has worked to a point.  He is still not rolling over on his own but when I go get him in the morning he is often facing the opposite direction of that which he was put to bed.  The only time this little project comes back to bite us is when he sleeps on a regular toddler mattress.  When we have company, his bed, still being our guest bed, is commandeered by said visitor and Christian and Tessie have a sleep-over in her room.  Since Christian is used to having a lot more room to move around he often wanders off the toddler mattress we place on the floor.  My mom is up visiting and so last night the kids had one of these sleepovers.   

As I have previously mentioned, the slightest noise made by my children will wake me from the deepest sleep.  This morning I sat straight up in bed and was halfway down the stairs before I even realized I had heard Christian.  I paused outside Tessie’s door and again heard Christian quietly cry for Mommy.  I glanced at the clock before opening the door and saw the time.  5:26 am.  Seriously?  Sighing, I made my way in quietly so as not to wake Tes and then saw poor Christian.  Only his head was still on the mattress and he had pushed all the pillows that had surrounded the mattress so that he was basically lying on the bare tile floor.  I quickly scooped him up and took him out to the living room.

Despite the fact that I was mortified that my poor baby had been sleeping on the floor, I was exhausted and desperately wanted him to fall back asleep.  I headed straight for the rocker and after wrapping him in a cozy blanket we rocked together.  Christian was quiet, but wide awake for some time, looking around and then up at me.  Finally, his eyes started to get heavy and I saw my chance for another hour of sleep approaching.  This is where it got good.

As Christian’s breathing slowed, and his body melted in to mine, I leaned my head back on the rocker and closed my eyes.  His little body was a wonderful, familiar weight on my chest, his hand softly touching my neck and his cheek, wet with drool, pressed against my shoulder.  I soaked it up and relished it.  I don’t have many moments of pure snuggle with my little guy any more.  Even though he can’t get there himself, he is always wanting to be on the go.  I know that my moments like this are numbered and so I held him tight and breathed him in.  Just as I opened my eyes to sneak a peek at my gorgeous boy, he giggled in his sleep and grinned a sleepy, dreaming smile.  I melted.

I never did get back to sleep this morning.  I tried to lay down on the couch with Christian but he woke up asking for milk and a movie.  Although I hadn’t had any coffee and normally I would have been a big sour puss, I just smiled at him and fulfilled all his wishes.  He will be grown up in a flash and I will miss these precious moments.  This morning at the crack of dawn I got to hold my son, peaceful and happy in my arms.  No matter what else followed in my day, I started it with a moment of true beauty.

Water Sprites

Tonight while dinner was in the oven I took a walk around our yard and returned to the backyard to find that Tessie had had an accident.  Oh joy.  I stripped her down in the grass and was about to go get her some clean clothes when her Daddy suggested a dip in the river.  She, of course, thought this was a great idea.  After I had cleaned up I walked out to find Tes sitting naked in the river, delighted. 

Tonight was the kind of evening that just glows.  That perfect kind of light that makes everything softer.  The river sparkled, the grass was golden and Tessie looked like a water sprite, magical as could be.

She was having so much fun that I had to go get Christian, who was inside watching a movie.  As soon as I asked if he wanted to go to the river he was grinning from ear to ear.  I stripped him down and handed him off to Nick.  Christian wasn’t nearly as excited about a full submersion as his sister but he had fun dangling his toes in and getting a quick dip every now and again. 

As the soft light faded I noticed that Tessie’s lips were starting to get a bit blue and so suggested we go dry off and have dinner.  This went over like a lead balloon but we finally managed the team effort of getting the kids dried of and dressed.  We ate dinner outside under the trees and the magic lasted a little longer. 

As all good things do, the moment ended and tears were again shed as we prepared for bedtime.  I clung to the image of my happy children in the river as I wrestled a red faced, crying Christian into his pajamas and had to send Tes to bed with no books for not listening.  Once they were in bed I wandered back outside in the fading evening light and looked at the river again and felt so blessed that I live in such an amazing place, where my little water sprites can take a dip anytime, and the presence of magic isn’t hard to believe in.  I could still picture my bare babes splashing in the creek and, to me, nothing is more beautiful.

A Beautiful Morning

Most mornings I wake up to the sounds of Christian talking happily to himself through the baby monitor next to my bed.  It would be extremely cute if it weren't for the fact that this is usually at 6am.  I roll slowly out of bed and head downstairs to Christian’s room.  After a short snuggle in bed with him we go out to the living room, I get him a cup of milk and some crackers and turn on some cartoons.  After he is all settled in I finally get myself a cup of coffee and sit down next to him for a few minutes.  Tes is a late sleeper and, if I let her, will sleep until 8:00 or even 9:00.  Usually, however, we have things to do and I will try to get her up around 7:00 or 7:30.

None of this may seem as painful to you as it is to me but I used to treasure sleep.  I loved sleeping in, I was good at it.  Nick would bring me my coffee in bed and I didn’t get up until I’d had a full cup.  All that changed the moment I became pregnant with Tes.  Sleep was a thing of the past.  I used to sleep through anything and everything.  I will wake up now if one of the kids breathes to loudly.  It’s amazing how that luxury I took for granted has just disappeared.

This morning a miracle occurred.  Nick got up for work, took a shower, kissed me goodbye and was out the door.  I stretched, rolled over a few times, thought about going back to sleep, but got up instead.  I looked at the clock, it was almost 8am!  I couldn’t believe it.  For those of you without children, this is called sleeping in.  Late.  I went downstairs, poured myself a cup of coffee and meandered over to the couch.  I put my feet up and just sat there sipping happily. 

When I had almost finished my mugful I heard Christian start to stir.  By the time I got to him I was awake, really awake.  I usually stumble into his room and half fall onto his bed.  Tessie woke up a few minutes later and all three of us were rested and happy.  I want to thank my children for giving me the beautiful moment of mommy solitude this morning.  So about tomorrow... 

Labels

Our lives are full of labels.  Every time we fill out a form we have to define ourselves with these labels.  Married, single, male, female, white, Hispanic, and so on.  And then there are the labels that further categorize us.  Rich, poor, gay, straight, democrat, republican, bitch, sweetheart, wife, mother.  We hand these labels out constantly, words that we use to sum up a person, based on nothing more than brief interactions.  We use these labels to describe the people around us.  But how can one or two words describe an entire person?  Today Christian was given a label and I had to remind myself that I know the answer to that question.  A label can’t even come close to describing a person.

I took Christian to see a pediatric neurologist in Albuquerque today.  He was impressed with Christian’s vocabulary and cognitive skills, thought he was charming, and diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy (CP).  This did not come as a surprise, we have basically known Christian would receive this diagnosis for sometime now and it will probably help him receive the services he needs in the long run.  As I was leaving the clinic I asked the doctor if Christian officially had a diagnosis now and the doctor half-laughed and waved his hands over Christian.  “It’s in his chart now, as long as that's OK with you.” he said.  I had to smile at myself, what was I expecting?  A thunder clap?  A voice from above?  Somehow I felt that this diagnosis should carry more weight, feel different.

When Christian was in the NICU and we first learned of his brain injury we were told one of the “worst case scenarios” would be CP.  This sounded terrifying to us, a disability was like a foreign language, and we searched the internet for more information.  This label was the scariest thing we had ever heard and seemed so negative.  Would this mean Christian would never lead a normal life?  We treated this possibility with grief and fear.  We have since developed a much different view.

We now look at Christian as just Christian.  He is not his disability, this is just a small piece of information about him.  He will face many challenges in his life but none of them have to be negative if we don't approach them thus.  And so this new label doesn’t change anything.  And even though I knew that going in, I still found myself grappling  with an internal emotional storm on my way home.  What did this label mean to me?

Driving back home from Albuquerque I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw my son, happy as could be.  He was laughing to himself, singing songs, and quietly playing in his car seat, oblivious to my turmoil in the front seat.  Nothing had changed for Christian.  He hadn’t suddenly become a new person just because he was given a new label.  He wasn’t even aware this label existed.  This was my moment today.  My little reminder that no matter what, I have an amazing son who I love more than words could ever describe.  He is perfect in every way.  And as many labels as he is given in his lifetime there is only one that will come close to summing him up.  Beautiful.