My Much Needed Moment

I started today’s entry while I was cooking dinner and had about a paragraph typed when it became apparent my topic was going to change.  This evening my children were what parents affectionately call “difficult” when what we really mean is downright terrible.  Two minutes into dinner found Nick and I at the table alone with the kids in a double time out.  It is quite disconcerting to eat dinner over the lovely sounds of screeching echoing down the hall so after a few moments we got up to ask the kids if they were ready to behave and come back to the table.  Usually at this point in time they sniffle and say yes and life goes on.  Tonight they must have taken extra cranky pills because nothing worked.  Finally Nick called a family meeting in Christian’s room and actually got the kids to calm down.  We all sat back down at the table and finished eating.  I thought maybe that was it.

Next step, bath time.  This is normally an easy, happy part of the day that the kids approach with enthusiasm.  It went in the absolute opposite direction tonight.  Tessie ran to her room and hid under the covers while Christian screamed the whole way up the stairs.  Once in the tub it improved slightly since Tes turned her mood around but Christian more than made up for her, yelling the whole time I was washing him.  Luckily pajamas and tooth brushing went well and I handed them both off to Nick for story time. 

I ducked out into the backyard while Nick worked his Daddy magic and tried to leave my frustrated mommy vibes behind.  I let my chickens out of their temporary pen and watched them wander around the yard.  It started to mist and I tried to round up the girls to get them in the coop for the night.  My ridiculous chickens have still not figured out that their coop is better than the cardboard box they spent the last couple of months in and so I chased them around the yard sticking them in the house one by one. 

Once my flock was secured I stood in the lightly falling rain and closed my eyes.  I could barely hear Nick’s voice through Christian’s window, a deep murmur.  The rain drops were like little pins pricks on my arms and eyelids.  I listened to the chickens settling down for the evening and the rain falling off the roof onto the ground in a steady drumming.  Calm settled over me and I could walk back into Mommy-Land refreshed and ready for more.

 I love being a mom but unfortunately hard times come with the wonderful.  It is important to take a moment to regain sanity and some semblance of the person I am without my children.  Those moments help make me a better mother.  I am lucky to have a partner to step in when I need a moment and tonight my much needed moment was beautiful.

A Perfect Rain

Rainy days are my favorite, they have been since I was little.  The perfect rain is soft and fragrant, it builds slowly and leaves puddles for splashing in and riding bikes through.  Today we got a perfect rain.  I opened the doors and the kids and I stood and watched it.  Pretty soon Tessie gathered enough courage to wander out and test the rain on her fingers and toes as it poured off the roof.  I showed her how to hold the umbrella and she gingerly walked up and down the brick holding it glamorously.  Christian wanted in on the action so I scooped them both up and walked out into the rain.  It was coming down heavily and beat a quick rhythm on the umbrella.  The kids smiling faces were cast in a pink light and I was sure my face reflected their innocent pleasure at the natural marvel of a rain storm.  I held Christian’s arms out so he could feel the cool drops and he squealed with delight.  After a while we wandered in and cozied up on the couch to watch a movie.  The rain lessened and the storm passed leaving behind the vibrant colors of a world recently bathed.  I snuggled my babies close and tried to hold on to the feeling of the beautiful moment we just shared for as long as I could.

My Beautiful Daughter

Tessie and I the day after she was born.

About four years ago Nick and I decided we were ready to start trying for a family.  We had been together for almost six years and married for just over three.  We had traveled to Hawaii, Argentina and Italy together, opened a business and bought a home.  We figured the timing couldn’t get much better.  Much to our surprise there wasn’t much trying involved and before we knew it we were expecting.  As my belly grew so did my connection to the little girl inside.  By the time Taylor Elizabeth, or Tessie as we would all come to call her, was born I felt we already knew each other better than any two people could. 

Tessie was the perfect baby, I mean actually perfect.  She barely cried, nursed like a dream, and slept even better.  I spent long afternoons just staring at her while she slept, falling more in love with every breath she took.  Tes went to work with me at the fly shop and charmed customers with her winning smile.  She went from easy baby to easy toddler, and when we found out we were expecting a second we thought it should go pretty much the same the second time around.

A recent trip to the mountains.

Our blissful little existence was interrupted when Christian came unexpectedly three months early.  Our family packed up and moved to Albuquerque to live with my parents while Christian was in the NICU for six weeks.  Tessie was almost eighteen months and immediately had to be a big girl, spending a lot of time away from Nick and I while we were in the hospital with her very little brother.  She amazed us by handling the transition without even a bump in the road.  Living with Tutu and Papa was fun and an adventure for Tes.  When she came to visit her brother we were worried she might be scared or pick up on the emotional turmoil but she acted as if there was nothing out of place.  I will never forget her walking all by herself through the hospital all the way up to his isolette (his little bed unit) and announcing “Hi there brother!” When we brought Christian home to Taos there was no jealousy or rivalry, she loved him and was gentle and careful without needing to be reminded.

We sailed into age two and my little girl remained the easy going piece of cake she had always been, which was fortunate because her brother was more than making up for it.  I felt blessed and lucky that I was given such a little angel.  Then Tessie turned three.

All of a sudden my angel was hitting, yelling, stomping, whining, and being all around rotten.  I found myself becoming so angry and worked up over the smallest of things she would do and almost anything started a fight.  Tessie became an expert at pushing my buttons and winding me up.  Time outs became so common in our house it was amazing they still worked.  I ended many evenings with a knot of guilt in my stomach, wanting to run back into Tessie’s room and hug her until I was absolutely sure she knew how much I loved her. 

In the last few months I have made my relationship with Tessie one of the top priorities on my life list.  This blog is one of the many tools I have to remind myself to calm down, look at the big picture, and be happy for the good instead of always focusing on the bad.  Tes and I have had less confrontations, more sweet moments, and I generally want to strangle her a lot less.  I’m sure part of this is due to her getting a better handle on her new big girl emotions, but I think it is also that I remembered that being a Mom is my first and most important job, and above all my favorite job.

Tessie napping in my bed today.

Today we had a great day.  We had a few moments this morning of boundary testing but I know that will never end.  We had several talks today about telling the truth and being considerate of others.  I have to remind myself sometimes that Tes is only three and a half because she can be so insightful and wise.  She was reading a note today (mind you she was making up what it said) and she said “My mom is the best mom in the whole world and we love her so much because she loves us so much.”  I stopped what I was doing and just held her.  Just now I snuck upstairs to peek at her sleeping in my bed.  She was so peaceful and beautiful it’s hard to imagine why I ever get mad at her.  I watched her sleeping just like I did when she was a tiny baby and, once again, fell even more in love.  I know the years ahead raising her will be challenging but I also know there will be many more times like the ones I had with her today.  And I know that I am lucky to have such a beautiful daughter, in every sense of the word.

Toy Time

One of the hardest parts of Christian’s developmental delay for me to deal with is the fact that he has been unable to play on his own.  Because he has low muscle tone in his trunk he is still not sitting up all alone.  This leads to me carrying him everywhere.  At our parties and gatherings there are always tons of children underfoot.  The kids in our group of friends have all grown up with a built in group of buddies.  For Christian this has never quite been the case because he simply couldn’t play with them. 

It’s also been an issue when we are home alone.  Since he is only able to play when I am sitting with him in my lap and handing him things my choice is to either ignore everything I need to get done so he can play or prop him up in the corner of the couch and put a movie on so I can do the dishes.  Well since I don’t have a maid, sadly, my son has spent a lot of time on the couch.

Recently I have been making Christian sitting independently my main priority.  We have a family goal of getting him to sit and be able to play all on his own by his second birthday which is in less than a month.  It’s amazing to me that I took for granted that my daughter achieved this same goal at the age of five months.  Since I am back at home with the kids now I have a lot more time to spend working with Christian.  He has improved tremendously in the past couple of months and has been able to sit while propped on his hands like a tripod for longer and longer periods of time.  Although this has been so rewarding, he still falls over when he tries to reach for something or even if his attention shifts.

Today we had a major break through.  Christian sat in his room at a little bench and played, I mean really played, independently for a good thirty minutes.  He would fall over occasionally and I helped him sit back up but for the most part he was on his own.  I watched him organize his little collection of animals and make them dance and talk to each other.  He and Tessie even played together a little and had a very short lived picnic.  Christian ended up hoarding all the food and so Tes moved on to princesses, but it was nice while it lasted. 

Christian looked overjoyed to be playing with his toys all by himself and I just adored watching him.  I will say that towards the end of all of this mushy celebration he took a big fall and whacked his head with an audible thud on the tile which resulted in much needed snuggle time and guilt on my part for not having surrounded my non-sitter with cushions, but what can I say, these things happen.  We ended on a high note, however, and Christian did some excellent sitting again while I read him a book before nap time.  I can honestly say that, to date, I have never witnessed a more beautiful sight than that of Christian playing with his toys like the big boy he really is.

Small Victories

When running errands with small children one-stop-shopping isn’t just convenient, it’s a necessity.  So today, when faced with post office, bank and groceries, I decided to try all three at once.  There have been many, or at least a few, times in the past that this same scenario played out successfully.  The kids behaved, I got my shopping done and we went home.  Simple.  Not today. 

Before I go on let me explain what I look like when I shop.  I usually, and this was the case today, put Christian in a baby carrier facing forward and put Tessie in a cart.  Christian always wants to carry something, and although this is a good idea in theory, in practice he drops his toy every few yards and I have to squat to pick it up.  Today he was holding a cracker and I just prayed he would hold on.  We also had our large package with us to mail which I put in the cart.  So far so good. 

As soon as we entered the store I saw the post office “express” had closed for lunch and so that was off the list.  Next stop, the bank.  Luckily there was only one person in front of us and so I thought we would be on our way quickly.  No such luck.  While we were waiting Tessie was playing with my wallet and kept dropping it on the floor.  Every time she dropped it I had to squat with Christian to pick it up.  After the third squat I confiscated the wallet and set it in the back of the cart.  This of course sent Tessie into a big crocodile tear fit.  By now the line was getting rather long behind us and the people at tellers in front of us showed no signs of getting close to finishing their business.  I tried in hushed tones to get Tes to calm down, to no avail.  A woman behind me asked in a very sad voice “What’s wrong?”  I explained, with a smile, that Tessie was just working on her Oscar performance and tried not to make eye contact with any of the people in line behind us.  Tessie was finally distracted enough to stop crying.  Unfortunately this was because she now had to go potty.  And then it was our turn to go to a teller.  Well the line was very long and I had already been standing there for so long that I advised Tes to try to hold it, and we moved up to the teller.  While she was recounting my deposits Christian dropped his cracker.  Although I have given back dropped food many times there are some disgusting lines that I do not cross.  Of course this didn’t fly at all with Christian and he started to wail.  Tessie was chanting “I gotta go potty!” over and over and the teller was counting so slowly I thought she might have fallen asleep.  Finally she finished and we zoomed off to find the bathroom.

At this particular grocery store the bathroom is at the top of a very narrow, very tall staircase.  I pulled Tes out of the cart, tucked the package and my wallet under my arm, and convinced her she could walk up the stairs by herself.  After the long hike up and the very fun squat in the stall with Christian in the pack while balancing Tes on the toilet routine she announced she was too scared to walk back down.  Rather than debate for ten minutes at the top of the stairs I scooped her up and waddled down with Tes under one arm, the package under the other and Christian (who was very unhappy with the whole situation) bobbing up and down in the middle.  When we got to the bottom our cart was gone and I had to go back to the front of the store to get a new one.  I got Tes (and the albatross of a package) back into the cart and moved on to phase three of this delightful trip, the groceries.

We only had a few necessities to pick up, a late addition to that list being wine, and it went rather smoothly.  Only a few minor upsets later we were almost through the check out.  Now where, in all of this absurd craziness, was there a hint of beauty?  Well, it turns out that we took so long running all our “simple” errands that the post office “express” had re-opened!  I had never been so happy to mail a package in my life.  And even though the woman who helped wasn’t all that helpful, and my kids were once again crying (and continued to cry the entire drive home) I was smiling.  And victories, even small ones, are beautiful.

Daddy and Daughter

This morning Tessie woke up a little earlier than normal.  She has a very hard time waking up and usually spends some time in her room alone before she wanders out, bleary eyed, and mumbling good morning.  It is like looking in a mirror.  We are a matching pair in the morning, Mom clutching to coffee, daughter clutching to Mom. 

This morning she wanted to get dressed right away and wanted me to go pick out her outfit.  This is a set-up because nothing I pick out will be deemed appropriate by my little fashionista.  I attempt it anyway and bring her a blue ruffly shirt and and equally ruffly pink shirt.  “Nooooooo.  I want a dreeeeeeessssss.”  So far my efforts to convince Tes that whining is not an appropriate means of communication have fallen on deaf ears.  I say that if she doesn’t like what I picked out then she can go pick something herself.  Tessie describes the dress she wants in her closet and throws in a very nice please so I take one last stab at it and of course, I do not pick the right dress.  At this point Tessie starts to majorly melt down and I have had enough of the personal shopper bit.  I let her know I will not put up with this behavior and I leave the room.  Her very dramatic cries follow me up the stairs to my bathroom and continue as I take a deep breath and count to ten.  When I reach seven I hear the back door open and close and the crying stop.  Since I know I shouldn’t let her wander off, no matter how mad I am, I walk downstairs to check on her. 

I find Tes curled up in a blanket in Nick’s lap on our “lawn couch.”  Her head is resting on his chest and I can tell he is talking quietly to her.  Although I want to walk outside and join them I stay inside and watch since they haven’t seen me yet.  Nick points up to the cedar tree that shades the backyard and I’m guessing he is pointing out a bird to Tessie.  Low and behold, she smiles!  They laugh and then she points to something above the house, maybe a plane or a cloud.  Her little arm curls around his neck and she grins her goofy grin so I can tell he said something silly.  The moment is so intimate and special that I almost feel like I’m spying on them.

Finally, they get up and Nick carries her back to the house.  I open the backdoor for them and am greeted by my once again happy girl.  As I pick her up for a hug I marvel at my husband who can make anything better, and feel lucky that I got to witness this beautiful moment between Daddy and Daughter.

Silence

Silence is an interesting thing.  It can feel empty, or incredibly full.  We describe silences as heavy, ominous, deafening and peaceful.  Some people crave silence and others avoid it to all ends.  I have spent very little time with silence over the last 3 1/2 years.  My home is usually filled with laughter, tears, cartoons and “eye-spy.”  I have given little thought to silence and what it means to me. 

Today was one of the very few times since becoming a mother that I was alone.  My children were in school and I was at home, by myself, for two hours.  Since Tessie was born I have spent hardly any time at all away from my kids.  In fact, there have only been three occasions that it was on purpose.  Once was a night I spent in Albuquerque while Tessie was home with Nick (although I did technically have Christian with me, I was pregnant at the time.)  The second was a night both kids spent with their Nana (during which I spent a good amount of time in tears.)  And the third was a recent trip I took to Chicago to visit a dear friend.  I left the kids at home with their dad.  There were a handful of times when Christian was in the hospital for his first 6 weeks that I stayed in Albuquerque alone and Nick brought Tessie up to Taos but I don’t like to count those times since they were out of circumstance, not choice. During all of these occasions although I was not with my children, I was not alone.  Today I was, and I experienced silence.

I have always been an avoider of silence, I put on a CD or play the piano.  I call someone to chat or watch a movie.  In recent years even my silent times are filled with the heavy breathing of sleeping babies and the hurried sounds of me cleaning every surface I can before they wake up. 

Today I gave myself some time to let the silence in.  I welcomed the quiet and sat, doing nothing for a while.  I found myself listening for my children and smiled.  I listened instead to my own breathing, the beating of my own heart.  I slowed down.  I gave myself ten minutes to just sink wholly into silence.  When my tens minutes were up I stood, put on a CD and got to work cleaning and taking advantage of my time without children.  But I noticed a calm that was not there before.  I am glad I let myself get to know silence.  It was beautiful.